My wife is Boston Irish and these apply to many in her side of the family, and a few on mine:
You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has to be HazMat certified.
You install shag carpet because its easier to hang on to. Embalming fluid would be an improvement.
Your last Breathalyzer reading was No Effing Way.
Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.
Your friends often substitute Good night with Hey, you cant sleep here.
When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.
Your name is police code for Public Intoxication.
Youre fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed Want To Leave the Bum, But Cant was written by your liver.
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.
TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.
You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasnt helped cut down on cavities, but who cares?
You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.
You have a split personalityevery time you meet someone with booze you want to split it with them.
You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed your own wife.
You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.
You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa versa.
You spill so much booze at home your dog slurs his barks.
Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.
Youre always shaking hands, even when theres no one else around.
Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.
When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a fifth.
Your favorite bar is four blocks away six blocks coming back.
The Red Cross uses your blood to sterilize their instruments.
Youre half scotch, and your ancestors arent from Scotland.
You know how to handle your liquor with both hands.
You can tell what bar youre in by the bottoms of their tables.
A liter of scotch isn't enough to invite a friend over for a drink.
You know most the of people in a bar and cant remember one of their names.
Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.
Youve filed assault charges against a coffee table.
When youre out in the street, you are literally out in the street.
You think of drinking beer as sobering up,
You can say Whiskey, please in 34 languages, but cant understand Last call in English.
You know better than going near an open flame while youre bleeding.
Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.
Youve been cut off during communion.
You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.
Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means getting used to the cheap stuff again.
Your bartender never has to ask, Do you want another?
You're favorite method of dieting is the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
You fell down two flights of stairs and didnt spill a drop.
When you wake up hungover youre afraid youll die. Half an hour later youre afraid youll live.
You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.
little warm up for Saint Paddy's day. Time to get the green threads out of the closet, ...
Oh yes, better hurry down to the local package store before all the Guinness and Bushmills is gone.
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Two Irish guys were walking past a bar....
Hey, it could happen!