"I thank God that I baptized none of you, but Crispus and Gaius" 1Cr 1:14
and we won't even get into the thief on the cross.
That's called a "baptism of desire."
Good work ripping that out of context, and then attributing a ridiculous meaning to it. Try reading what the Apostle says about baptism in Romans and Galatians. "For you are all the children of God, by faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as have been baptized in Christ have put on Christ." (Gal. 3:26-7).
I thank God that I baptized none of you but Crispus and Gaius. "Why are you elate at having baptized, when I for my part even give thanks that I have not done so!" Thus saying, by a kind of divine art he does away with their swelling pride upon this point; not with the efficacy of the baptism, (God forbid,) but with the folly of those who were puffed up at having been baptizers: first, by showing that the Gift is not theirs; and, secondly, by thanking God therefore. For Baptism truly is a great thing: but its greatness is not the work of the person baptizing, but of Him who is invoked in the Baptism: since to baptize is nothing as regards man's labor, but is much less than preaching the Gospel. Yea, again I say, great indeed is Baptism, and without baptism it is impossible to obtain the kingdom. Still a man of no singular excellence is able to baptize, but to preach the Gospel there is need of great labor.He states also the reason, why he giveth thanks that he had baptized no one. What then is this reason? Lest anyone should say that ye were baptized into my own name. Why, did he mean that they said this in those other cases? Not at all; but, "I fear," saith he, "lest the disease should proceed even to that. For if, when insignificant persons and of little worth baptize, a heresy ariseth, had I, the first announcer of Baptism, baptized many, it was likely that they forming a party, would not were unsound in this respect" and subjoining, I baptized also the house of Stephanas, he again drags down their pride, saying besides, I know not whether I baptized any other. For by this he signifies that neither did he seek much to enjoy the honor accruing hereby from the multitude, nor did he set about this work for glory's sake.
St. John Chrysostom