"So where to go for a dyed-in-the-wool protestant who loves the tradition and the sacraments?"
The Orthodox Church is your answer.
Greek Orthodoxy, American Orthodoxy, even Russian Orthodoxy, but Orthodoxy.
They have all of the sacraments and all of the tradition.
It is the complete Church you are looking for, if you just cannot stand the thought of submission to Rome.
There is none other, if you refuse to accept the Pope, that has all the traditions and all the sacraments, in full apostolic succession, that Orthodoxy.
So, if that is what you truly seek, then get thee to an Orthodox Church.