Corrupting grandkid is fun and easy

SaltLakeTribune.com ^ | July 17, 2003

[Sweet_Sunflower29]

Yesterday marked an important milestone in my career as a grandfather. For the first time since her birth, I got to spend some quality time with my granddaughter alone.

It was great. Four hours and the cops never showed up once. Nobody called Child Welfare, Poison Control, or even the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Apparently, I have changed a lot since fatherhood.

Back then tending kids was easy. The three essential day-care items were cookies, a room with a lock on it, and plenty of duct tape, also known as "a roll of Texas baby-sitter." When they inquired whether I would be willing to tend Hallie for an afternoon, my wife and daughter probably figured that age (and probation) had slowed me down. It only made me sneakier.

Minding kids changes from father to grandfather. Most notable is the addition of another level of authority between you and the kid: his or her parents. Oh, the pride of ownership is still there, but technically someone else is the kid's boss.

This is good because any mistakes can be sent home with the child. Hey, if a district court judge can't keep you from teaching a small child how to use dynamite on gophers, what chance do Mom and Dad have?

Finally, the thing a grandfather knows that a father doesn't is that time is on your side. The corruption of a sweet, impressionable child does not have to be rushed.

They brought Hallie over before lunch looking like an angel. Her hair was brushed, her dress freshly laundered, her eyes clear of the effects of processed sugar.

Also delivered was a long pointless list of instructions on matters such as nap times, proper nutrition, and things to watch out for, including spiders, snakes, drain cleaner, loaded firearms and, who knows, probably Zulus. Hell, I didn't read it.

They brought diapers, which is all a baby-sitting grandfather really needs. In a pinch -- say if she gets fish guts all over her -- a 2-year-old girl can wear one of grandpa's T-shirts but not a pair of his boxer shorts.

As soon as authority left, I taught my granddaughter how to be a stone cold killer. We spent an hour spanking "bees," by her definition any and all bugs. We wiped out entire species.

When it was time for lunch, we chose rocky road ice cream and Nilla Wafers over grapes and grilled cheese sandwiches. But given authority's keen nose, we skipped a beer run.

After lunch, we were wired enough to invent a scary ride for the cat on the automatic garage door. Bob Valdez liked it until he spotted an open window.

After that, we made a high-speed mobile with Grandma's jewelry and a ceiling fan.

When things started to slow down, I asked if Hallie wanted to watch "Worlds Most Violent Bank Robberies" until it was time for her nap and she distinctly said, "Yes."

After the nap, I changed her diaper with barbecue tongs, and taught her to say "No way" if anyone should ever ask if we threw the diaper into the neighbor's yard.

Maybe I have changed. Parenting is so much easier the second time around.

[Sweet_Sunflower29]

This is cute; I had to post it.

[Support Free Republic]

CHEAP THRILLS - $1 (the first one's free!)
	If every FR member gave a buck a month, we wouldn't need fundraisers. Donate Here By Secure Server Or mail checks to FreeRepublic , LLC PO BOX 9771 FRESNO, CA 93794 or you can use PayPal at Jimrob@psnw.com
STOP BY AND BUMP THE FUNDRAISER THREAD- It is in the breaking news sidebar!

[bedolido]

Thanks. I have 8 grand-kids. 4 girls and 4 boys. It is so true when they say grand-kids are much more fun then your own kids.

[LisaAnne]

Thanks for posting this!
I needed a good laugh today.

[ItsOurTimeNow]

and plenty of duct tape, also known as "a roll of Texas baby-sitter."

Pure, laugh-out-loud, hilarity. I love it!

[Publius6961]

Only 5 replies??

This is a double whammy... ultra un-PC and it pis... errr irritates the humorless.

What better attraction could it have?
I gotta bump it a few times.

[TheSpottedOwl]

Duct tape=a roll of Texas babysitter....hillarious!!!

[Hatteras]

Some of us Dad's have a much easier time babysitting when Mom's away too.

"Right honey, salad, uh huh... and slice some apples and kiwi to go with their boneless and skinless baked chicken? No problem.... yeah, love you too...click. ALRIGHT KIDS! SWEETIEPIE, YOU GET THE MACARONI & CHEESE AND YOU, BUDDY, DIG OUT THE ICE CREAM & CHOCOLATE SYRUP! WOOOHOOOOO!!!"

[FourPeas]

plenty of duct tape

LOL! Duct tape leaves fingerprints.

[FourPeas]

So this is why time spent with grandpas is so special. I knew there was a reason there was a special attraction there. I think it's time I write my a letter thanking him.

[Publius6961]

BUMP!

[Sweet_Sunflower29]

Some of us Dad's have a much easier time babysitting when Mom's away too.

BWAHAHAHAHA!

I suppose that might explain that strange 'orphan-esque' type quality which I have always noticed to be engulfing my children after spending the long, unsupervised, adventuresome hours with my husband!

:*)

[Sweet_Sunflower29]

Come over here and read this, it is cute.

[Ranxerox]

I seem to remember reading that Grandparents and Grandchildren are natural conspirators.

Unfortunately for us parents, experience has bourne this out.

[GodBlessRonaldReagan]

Uncles can do this too! I've spent many enjoyable hours introducing my nephews (8 and 11) to the Three Stooges, King of the Hill and Universal horror movies.

[Xenalyte]

Funny stuff!

[Chancellor Palpatine]

bump

[zlala]

Robert Kirby is usually pretty funny. Thanks for the post.

[Allegra]

ROFL!!

I like to corrupt other people's kids by teaching them how to use a Whoopee Cushion and stuff. (You must only inflate it about halfway for maximum rude sound effect...)

[Chancellor Palpatine]

When things started to slow down, I asked if Hallie wanted to watch "Worlds Most Violent Bank Robberies" until it was time for her nap and she distinctly said, "Yes."

Wives never understand this stuff.