****Announcing the Illegal Alien Trails Theme Park!****

Two drunks | 13 July 2003 | Luis Martinez and JackelopeBreeder

[JackelopeBreeder]

Buenos nachos, y’all. My alter ego Luis Martinez and I have been knocking down shots all night in honor of the anniversary of some event important to Luis. I don’t savvy Spanish too good but it seems to have something to do with Luis’ misspent youth and a certain young lady named…and I just got smacked upside the head while Luis took over the backspace key.

Now, this theme park is not for us gringos except maybe as observers. Luis dreamed this up as a way to make the long trek north more interesting for its participants. Do you have any idea just how tedious and boring it is to trudge through various featureless arroyos on your way to that magic pick-up point? There really should be some way to add some entertainment value to that trip. After all, this is America, the land of opportunity and Hollywood. (Luis typing again…this drunk wetback is getting assimilated way too damn fast.)

Anyway, we have done some market research on what seems to please the clentele the most, but we’re throwing this out to the vast crowd of Freepers for further suggestions on how to make this enterprise a success. Before submitting your suggestions, please read the descriptions of our prior market research. (Kindly note that all research was conducted within very close proximity to the JackelopeBreeder hacienda which is not zoned for commercial/industrial usage.)

Experiment #1 was simple. Luis and I took two GMRS radios (walkie-talkies to you non-techies) down to the arroyo and tied one to a tree with its volume and squelch turned up to a fairly audible level. When a group of clientele passed before the night vision scope we began talking like Border Patrol agents. According to our observations, this resulted in an immediate elevation in adrenaline levels and a reversion to primitive fight-or-flight decision making. Usually flight, though there were a couple of cases of complete catatonia.

Experiment #2 was a bit more complex and required a few minutes additional preparation as it involved New Years Eve party-poppers and monofilament fishing line as trip wires or remote triggers. The clientele complained that this resulted in soiled underware. (Luis and I have since invested heavily in the company making Depends – no, I don’t think this qualifies as insider trading so get in while you can.)

Experiment #3 required a trip to Tucson for ni-chrome wire – the sort of igniters used with model rockets (buy Estes stock, too, while you’re at it). The igniters were attached to votive candles. Now imagine yourself sneaking through an arroyo at night. You come around a bend and suddenly a couple of candles mysteriously light all by themselves – on a makeshift stone altar holding a human skull and splashed with what looks like blood. This experiment resulted in a number of future Olympic hopefuls and Luis and I are trying to find a way to bill the Mexican government for services rendered.

Experiment #4 required assistance from two local volunteers due to logistical requirements. Once again, imagine yourself creeping through an arroyo at night, but this time you bump into an unexplained cloud of fog or smoke. The cloud is suddenly backlit with red lights, horrible shadows are moving in the cloud, and the last time you heard sounds like this is when you took girlfriend to see Jurassic Park. This experiment was a partial failure as the smoke obscured observation and none of the clientele stayed for an interview. (Technical note: minimum 100-watt boombox with detachable speakers required.)

And so fellow Freepers, Luis and I ask for you input in order to make this theme park a success. As the old saying goes, variety is the spice of life and we don’t want our clientele to become bored. Remember this is supposed to be entertainment – the customer should survive the experience and help advertise among his or her friends at home so they look forward to making the trip.

[JackelopeBreeder]

Ping!

There has got to be a way to make an honest buck outta this.

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[Jay D. Dyson]

Experiment #3 required a trip to Tucson for ni-chrome wire – the sort of igniters used with model rockets (buy Estes stock, too, while you’re at it). The igniters were attached to votive candles. Now imagine yourself sneaking through an arroyo at night. You come around a bend and suddenly a couple of candles mysteriously light all by themselves – on a makeshift stone altar holding a human skull and splashed with what looks like blood. This experiment resulted in a number of future Olympic hopefuls and Luis and I are trying to find a way to bill the Mexican government for services rendered.

ROTFLMCAO! That is just too cool! Love it! Thanks for the laugh. :)

-Jay

[sarcasm]

Glad that you still have a sense of humor.

[Jay D. Dyson]

Experiment #4 required assistance from two local volunteers due to logistical requirements. Once again, imagine yourself creeping through an arroyo at night, but this time you bump into an unexplained cloud of fog or smoke. The cloud is suddenly backlit with red lights, horrible shadows are moving in the cloud, and the last time you heard sounds like this is when you took girlfriend to see Jurassic Park.

This got me to thinking that there could be a more elegant and fitting experience for your clientele.

Since they're illegal aliens, wouldn't it be more fitting for them to encounter another sort of alien in their nighttime journey?

Something like...THIS:

It would certainly make for an interesting reaction, no?

-Jay

[oceanperch]

Yeah you could make a buck.

Charge a good fee and let folks join in with the traffic coming through your yard.

The realism of being a poor illegal vagrant for a few days.

Call is Border Slickers and have tidbits of entertainment along the way.

Would make for a good tv show Survival of Alians on the Border Crossings. Except you can only use rubber bullets to keep them a bay.

[JackelopeBreeder]

Close but no cigar. The shadows were provided by a scale model of the Predator.

[Richard-SIA]

You can spice up #1 with some Hollywood special effects.
Ad a spotlight playing in the guest general direction, and rapidly trip some of the squibs used to simulate bullet impacts for the movies while playing the sound of machine gun fire.

Fresh mounds of dirt along the trail, with crude crosses affixed, might help set the mood for the attractions to follow.

A few shallow Punji pits might make the excursion more interesting, sharp stakes optional.

Bilingual bright yellow "WARNING, Mine Field" flags are fun and decorative!
Easy to remove after the nights festivities, they are usually mounted on thin wires.
A few blood soaked craters, with the odd burnt boot in evidence, can add realism.
If you can handle setting off a few small acetylene charges they can be VERY convincing.

Explore details of the Mex. "Cubracabra" (Sp.?) myth, you might be able to exploit it for use with the more ignorant and superstitious guest.

Bits of shredded and bloody clothing among simulated cougar tracks should add to the guest experience, surely they appreciate nature as much as any eco-nut?

Dead vermin (rats, coyotes, etc.) without visible wounds, and empty containers labeled "POISON" left at watering points might help them to lose weight without the bother and expense of joining a gym, the human body is mostly water and dehydration will make them leaner in a hurry.
This could have the added advantage of forcing the seditionist who set up the water points to temporarily remove them for cleaning, unnecessarily of course!

Can't wait to see what others dream up, thank you for making our illegal invaders trip so memorable.

[Jay D. Dyson]

Close but no cigar. The shadows were provided by a scale model of the Predator.

I like it. I like it a lot. :)

-Jay

[exnavy]

LOL

[SCalGal]

ROTFLMAO I love it!

[mhking]

"Hold muh beer 'n watch this!" PING....

If you want on or off this list, please let me know!

[Grampa Dave]

You could have the illegals trigger a holographic image of $inator Kennedy doing the macarena or the waitress sandwich with $inator Dodd.

That might scare the hell out of them, and start many running back to the safety of Mexico.

[spodefly]

This is a good idea, and will hopefully counteract the kiosks set up by various 'sell-out' politicians. You didn't see the kiosks? There is the one where Tom Daschle is handing out drivers licenses. Gephardt has one that is handing out a list of employers hiring illegals. Nancy Pelosi has the kiosk that is handing out lemonade and a how-to guide on getting medical care and directions to medical facilities, particularly maternal and pre-natal care for the many pregnant 'clients' ... even the republicans are in on the act, handing out literature (in Spanish, of course) on "The Evolving Constitution" and how some laws are not really 'laws'.

I hope you're more successful that they are.

[Grampa Dave]

This as a holographic image with a stereo tape of her shrieking and yelling would be truly a scary event.

[Sweet_Sunflower29]

This is somewhat....disturbing.


I love it, keep it up!

/grin>

[Marine Inspector]

LMAO

[Riley]

Speaking of Jurassic park, perhaps you could have some contraption that would pound the ground, making ground-vibrating thuds without producing any significant mechanical noise of its own apart from that. Couple this with a sound system that produces that low, heavy growl of a T-Rex sniffing around for actors to eat. I'd keep the effect subtle, like whatever it is out there in the dark hasn't found you yet.

That'd startle me if I were on the receiving end! The object isn't to frighten them back across the border. The object is for them to call all of their relatives in the Old Country with tales of the terrifying thing that lives in the desert- enter its turf it at your peril!

Don't do it every night- skip a few days between visits.

This could be expanded into a mini-campaign, with the judicious planting of rumors and HUGE footprint trails. Have a pickup truck and the ability to do a simple casting? Drive up to the convenience store where the casual labor crowd gathers with an IMMENSE sharp claw in the back. Dump a little blood on it, first, so that it obviously isn't a fossil. Go in for a pack of smokes or a cup of coffee. Take your time and wait for the crowd to gather around the car. When you come back out, if anyone asks questions, tell them you have no idea what it is, some kind of claw. You found it out in the desert, along with some big footprints. You were out there trying to find out what was biting your cattle in half at night. Have a nice day. >:-)