Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[timm22]

These people should stop fooling themselves, get divorces, and live the responsibility-free, morality-free, loyalty-free, and honesty-free "free love" lives they always wanted to live.

In many cases, that would require giving up the fancy sports car, summer home, vacations in Paris, and social access that their significant other provides for them.

[Patriotic Bostonian]

These women are sluts plain and simple! I am 63 and my grandmother told me in the mid 60's that "this country is going to hell in a handbasket" and boy was she right.

[kstewskis]

Certainly, enough woman are garbage that you'd be wise to be very careful and to examine your reasons for being with women. But, enough men are garbage for women to be wary, also. Maybe the problem lies in our choices or our actions? Maybe we trust too much in our own ability to make a marriage work, rather than on God's ability. Not to mention His reasons for marriage, rather than ours.

Thank you, viaveritasvita. This was beautifully said. How I wish I could wrap your words up and send them to someone I know.

[Pukin Dog]

No I am not asexual. ;-)

I date often enough. You may not agree, but I see nothing in my bible that is against sex, only married sex outside of a marriage, not that I am taking many women to bed; much to the contrary, but I dont consider sex between consenting adults to be sinful.

My position is somewhat unique, because I have spent a lot of my life away at sea on aircraft carriers. I have seen every form of lying, abuse, neglect and abandonment that a woman can do to a man. I have personally talked men out of killing cheating spouses who refuse to let them see their children. I have hugged men who after risking their lives over the black ocean come into our ready room to relax only to be handed a dear john letter.

I have had to give information to the Red Cross to allow other officer's paychecks to be garnished to pay for children that they denied fathering, but because they were away at sea, they could not defend themselves in a courtroom. I have seen it all, and I want no part of it.

I know that not all women are garbage, but I also know that money can turn many women into garbage before you can say 'alimony'. I get very overheated on this issue, and it makes me seem like I dont like women, but that is not true. I just know what they can do under a particular set of circumstances. It really is not their fault, I believe that men have failed women big time.

But the times, being what they are, I will never, ever consider marriage. I am considering getting a vasectomy, but have not yet gather the strength to do that to 'my boys'. I will eventually because it is too dangerous out there.

[Pukin Dog]

Would you feel better if I told you I was short and bald? I'm not; but would you feel better? ;-)

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I looked better in my Navy flight suit than George Bush did.

Would you feel better if I told you I was short and bald? I'm not; but would you feel better? ;-)

Okay, now you've done it. You are going to have to support your hypothesis with some objective data.

Cough it up babe.

[kstewskis]

LOL.

Even if it were true (you bald + short)...the way I see it, Mel Gibson is short. But that doesn't stop him from being extremely attractive.

And many women find bald men attractive. (he is beginning to thin out on the hairline too...)

So you'd have to try harder than that. ;oD

[tortoise]

60%??!!?? Gimme a break!

Ummm... This number does not surprise me in the slightest. It doesn't really matter where you live; this seems about right as an average.

Anybody who doesn't see this as at least plausible for the general population is either leading a sheltered life or in denial. Heck, this kind of crap is going on with more regularity than most people would prefer in what are otherwise strongly conservative towns.

[Pukin Dog]

I would, but it is nessesary for me to keep my identity secret on the internet, because I am still involved in a few projects with the Navy.

In other words, I could show you, but I would have to kill you.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

In other words, I could show you, but I would have to kill you.

well that's comforting..........

[kstewskis]

My position is somewhat unique, because I have spent a lot of my life away at sea on aircraft carriers. I have seen every form of lying, abuse, neglect and abandonment that a woman can do to a man. I have personally talked men out of killing cheating spouses who refuse to let them see their children. I have hugged men who after risking their lives over the black ocean come into our ready room to relax only to be handed a dear john letter.

You know, PD, I can't fault you a bit for your observations and feelings.

Was talking to a dear friend yesterday about her son, who's served in the Army 13 years now. Got married (faithfully) at age 30, four years ago. To an active reservist. And, his superior. He's been away at least a year in Korea during that time, now training out of town, getting ready for Iraq for a year tour.

His soon to be ex promoted him (to 7th level Sergeant I believe)...then the next day hit him up for a divorce. They had "issues" but nothing so volatile that it warranted something so irreconcilable. He was pretty much blindsided.

What's a guy supposed to think? And how can those honest women out here (yes, we're out here), who are not after $$$ (we're not lazy...we can make our own), even compete with with woment's crap like that?

The whole thing is sickening.

[Pukin Dog]

I'm told I have 'inner beauty'?

[Pukin Dog]

What's a guy supposed to think?

That it aint worth the risk, thats what.

I wish it were different, but the truth is, as soon as I meet a girl that I really like, I run like hell, just in case.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

LOL

[Pukin Dog]

*wink*

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

but the truth is, as soon as I meet a girl that I really like, I run like hell, just in case.

I know you..........

[Jhoffa_]

I notice the "we" and note that the author is a woman.

I also have to say, with divorce rates like they are.. aside from religious reasosn (which are very important, no two ways about it..) I think you have to have your head examined to get married now days.

You're entering into a contract that will cost you dearly with, at best, an even up chance of success.

Fail and you lose your kids, money, house, etc..

I honestly wonder why men bother to get married anymore.

[Pukin Dog]

LOL ;-) Ah, but there are many of us. You can find us on golf courses and airfields across america. Places where women are scarse, unless bringing a beer our way.

[viaveritasvita]

>>"I see nothing in my bible that is against sex, only married sex outside of a marriage, not that I am taking many women to bed; much to the contrary, but I dont consider sex between consenting adults to be sinful."<<

Hmmm. It seems you got the definition of adultery correct, but...what is your definition of fornication?? My dictionary calls it sex between unmarried persons. And also, interestingly: "Figuratively, esp. Scripturally, idolatry." What do you think that means, Puke (a strange screen name, by the way. What's the story on that???)

>>"My position is somewhat unique...."<<

My position is totally dull and ordinary! I'm just a woman who's seen it all, too.

>>"I have seen every form of lying, abuse, neglect and abandonment that a woman can do to a man...men who after risking their lives over the black ocean come into our ready room to relax only to be handed a dear john letter."<<

I've seen it and experienced some of it, too -- the lying, abuse, etc. that men and women can do to each other. Have you not seen men who come back to good women who've waited faithfully or do they all come back to a dear john (a truly cowardly and despicable thing!)?

>>"...I also know that money can turn many women into garbage before you can say 'alimony'. I get very overheated on this issue, and it makes me seem like I dont like women, but that is not true. I just know what they can do under a particular set of circumstances. It really is not their fault, I believe that men have failed women big time."<<

It's true that money can turn women into greedy cruel gold diggers. It's equally true that sex can turn men into greedy cruel predators. Circumstances can change people into anything. But, if you've seen it all, then you've seen a few men and women who resist these circumstances. The question may be: Which kind are you? Which kind am I? My belief is that society has failed both men and women.

Don't get me wrong; I agree with you, in part. I want no part of it either. But...I think what I'm saying, too, is that I want no part of the good. In other words, I'm cutting off all chances at the real thing in order to protect myself. I'm closing my heart. Kind of like what Lewis was saying. And it is very very sad. I just don't know what else to do. On one level, I'm glad for you that you're not asexual, but don't kid yourself, sex outside of marriage is a sin against a Holy God. Trust me, I wish it weren't so.

>>"I will eventually because it is too dangerous out there."<<

Don't do it to the boys!!! It'll STILL be too dangerous to your heart (not to mention your wallet -- hehehe)!

[Pukin Dog]

Okay, get ready to get really mad at me.

More men would get married, if women forced us too. If the only way to have sex with women was through marriage, then by gum, I guess I would just have to do it, would'nt I?

You got me cold on the fornication deal. I can only say to God "She started it", and hope for forgiveness. I promise, I'm not knocking anyone over with a feather; I could use more action than I get. If you click on my name, or go here you can learn more about the origin behind the name Pukin Dog. It has a very honorable history behind it.