Why we cheat - ( Women )

New York Post ^ | July 13, 2003 | Susan Edelman

[UnklGene]

WHY WE CHEAT

By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.

July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.

"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."

Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.

And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.

In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.

"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.

"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."

Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.

Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.

"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.

But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.

"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.

Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."

Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."

Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.

Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.

"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."

But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.

"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.

"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."

[Skywalk]

Then you are an honorable woman.

I'll be the first to admit there is a double standard with men and women and cheating. Because of the stronger male impulse to "spread his seed" it is sometimes the case that men are more easily forgiven. Also, because a man can have sex without emotional investment, it is often seen as less of a crime against his wife, whereas wives getting involved emotionally with a man is seen as more devastating(from an objective view. But men obviously hate sexual infidelity from their women)

In any case, I don't really get what's up with people. Just yesterday a very pretty woman was being quite friendly with me while adjusting my new glasses for me. I suppose for others it would have been logical to see how far it would go, but I love my girlfriend and frankly nothing changes--it's all just a new game. So why play when you can lose so much?

Some would say "well the other person won't know" but I would, I would. And that's enough to keep me in line.

[Old Professer]

From the lyrics of Neil Diamond, "Fantasy, pure fantasy..."

[Kay Ludlow]

The rewards you receive from any endeavor is usually measured by the amount of effort you put into it. You tend to reap what you sow.

You're right there! A good relationship is a lot of work. If you start out with enough in common to have real companionship, you can work at making the rest work out. Mariages based on lust tend not to last, because that's something that can't be sustained daily over the long haul. Companionship, though, means having someone to talk to about what's on your mind, who's interested in what you're saying, and who's opinion about what you say that you respect. Companionship is important to a long and happy life, and is he foundation of a good marriage. Didn't God say Adam needed companionship? That's what's often missing from relationships today. People marry for status, sex, the wedding, money, then are disappointed that they don't have anyone to talk to. With companionship, you can talk about things that are troubling you, giving you the opportunity to work them out. Kay (faithful for 25 years to my best friend, on the way to 75!)

[ValerieUSA]

I don't have a rock on my finger. I've been a widow for nearly 6 years. I am attractive, young-looking and stacked.... in other words, I'm a Mr Wrong magnet.

[patton]

If I were in your position, I would look for a widower with kids.

Not to "minister", but if my wife were to up and die on me, I would want to find a widow with kids - a lady in that position would recognize that the partnership has value.

And, truth be told, I would be the world's worst single parent.

[Hildy]

I don't understand...I would never cheat on my husband because if he were to find out he would be so hurt...and why would I ever want to hurt the man I love so much.

[kstewskis]

I am attractive, young-looking and stacked.... in other words, I'm a Mr Wrong magnet.

Oh LOL!! I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh, you poor thing! (I think?).

Don't you hate it, when you're in a conversation with a married man...and then they say "Gee, I wished my wife thought like you..."

My first reaction is...Oh sh**. I'm outta here.

[Old Professer]

That's like saying you want to go swimming but you don't want to get wet.

[glory]

"no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts))

Simply repulsive!

[glory]

Not true here. Have had our ups and downs, but in 7+ years of marriage, I have not cheated on hubby and have no plans too. I can't believe people live their lives so recklessly and then claim themselves as victims when marriages don't work out.

[connectthedots]

There is nothing more attractive than a woman with character and Cristian values to go with it and at the same time appreciates that God created women to be all woman. That is the kind of woman I am looking for. your deceased husband must have felt blessed to have you as his wife.

[glory]

Visit a homeschooling convention sometime - it would cheer you up tremendously**

AMEN!

[ValerieUSA]

I have had to raise my four sons alone the past several years... now the older two are in the military, and it is just me and two teens left at home - which is still a handful. I don't relish the thought of raising more kids at this point. I am tired. I just want adult companionship... not adulterous.

[glory]

Oh no, I recently saw a couple(they were at least in their late 30's--what I could see of their smooching faces) making out at 10 am in a pickup truck. The first thing that ran through my mind is this is an affair situation for sure.
Our neighbor recently told us of a sordid swing environment that used to go on in our area to at one time. When these houses were new in the late 70's to early 80's apparently a few of the families were swapping. Jealousy eventually broke up ALL of the marriages involved-we are talking at least 4 couples here. YEEUCK!

[patton]

Ah. My kids are younger - 2, 8, and fourteen.

Different perspective.

[Old Professer]

If you can last long enough, it's not the passion but the memories that sustain you.

[BRL]

Living on memories is not the way to go in my book. Living for the present and the future is the only way to go. The past is a big fat chain that weighs a person down.

[Incorrigible]

[Old Professer]

My friend, when the leaves have fallen and the golden glow has faded, it helps to have a steadfast compnion to help with the raking.

[glory]

Now, this is simply not true. A lot of other things can contribute to why a spouse is not as amorous when we are talking a short-term lack of interest. Physical and emotional changes, life-changing events(births, deaths, job changes, etc), overworking oneself, etc can all contribute to lack of desire or at least lack of energy to act upon desire.
If I believed what you say, I'd be looking over my shoulder ever moment since my husband has had such a slump before and when he came out of it, with loving support and encouragment(that giving thing we are talking about in marriage), it was better then ever and back to regular frequency. It's just another bump in marriage that one must overcome, but apparently *SOME* women today can't handle the usual hurdles you face in marriage without crawling into another's bed. One word-INSECURITY!!