Posted on 07/13/2003 11:34:31 AM PDT by UnklGene
WHY WE CHEAT
By SUSAN EDELMAN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORBIDDEN PLEASURES: Some researchers believe changes in gender roles are prompting more married women to sleep around.
July 13, 2003 -- More women are cheating on their husbands - and doing it without remorse, sex researchers say. A stunning 90 percent of adulterous wives told one Manhattan researcher they suffered "no guilt," but rather felt "entitled" to the pleasure and excitement of their secret trysts, said Susan Shapiro Barash, a gender-studies professor and author.
"Women feel entitled because they're not getting what they need in the marriage. That's why women today have affairs," said Barash, who interviewed 120 wandering women for her recent book on female infidelity, "A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs that Make or Break their Marriages."
Based on her research, Barash contends that more than 60 percent of all married women will engage in at least one affair.
And many such women - despite socioeconomic differences - can empathize with someone like Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, Barash said.
In a breakup that rocked political and high-society circles, Kennedy Cuomo, 43, split two weeks ago from her husband of 13 years, Andrew Cuomo, over her alleged affair with randy restaurateur Bruce Colley, who is also married with children.
"These women would recognize her need - her desire to have more in her life than she had in her marriage," said Barash, who interviewed everyone from bus dispatchers, cops and stay-at-home moms to high-powered financiers, doctors and lawyers for her study.
"For the women who choose it, it's with great effort, so they really juggle the affair and somehow fit it in."
Barash found her sexually active subjects by posting ads in YWCAs and asking women who responded to refer friends who were having affairs.
Some therapists don't agree with Barash. They say many wandering women experience shame and regret - and seek help for adulterous urges.
"I have not witnessed a growing experience of 'entitlement.' Their conscience is bothering them," said Kristen Harrington, a marriage counselor who treats couples for infidelity in upstate Kingston.
But other experts agreed that more women today are determined to dally and less sorry about straying.
"I don't see women feeling a lot of guilt," said Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, whose book, "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," was published this year.
Like other daughters of sexually unfaithful fathers, Glass said, Kerry Kennedy Cuomo, the daughter of Robert Kennedy, could prefer that role rather than emulate mothers who serve as "martyrs" and "doormats."
Women with careers and financial resources can take more risks, she added: "If their partners find out, they can take care of themselves."
Glass also found surprising changes in men who mess around.
Traditionally, men's affairs were purely sexual, often involving a male in power enjoying "a little on the side" with a female subordinate.
"Now, men and women are working together as equals, with a lot of intellectual energy and common interests," Glass said. "It's a combination of emotional and sexual bonds. And it's more dangerous because it creates an alternative to the marriage, rather than just a supplement."
But equality hasn't erased the differences in why men and women cheat, other experts argue.
"Men have affairs to boost their self-esteem and because it's available. Their feelings are closely tied to their sexuality and potency," said Brooklyn psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner.
"Women don't just want a night of joy and pleasure," she said. "No matter what the feminists say, women want love. They want emotional attachment and bonding."
The decisions that drunk fighter pilots make in a bar in the middle of the night, should not be questioned by civilians.
Your experience squares with mine, except that I'm homeschooling, so I have kids at home ALL the time, and I wear dresses with cleaning products (and worse things) on them!
I trust my husband, too - for one thing, he was faithful when things were BAD between us - but still, he's out there every day among women who couldn't care less that he's married. (Although even with his income, they might be turned off by a guy who'd be paying child support for 7 kids :-)
And if I were to ever leave him (which I won't, because even at the worst, the kids need their Dad) it sure wouldn't be for another man! I think that's just too stupid - they're all human, every single one, none is perfect! A new name, a tiny apartment, a fishtank, and a job somewhere SILENT - the morgue springs to mind ...
That's great. And it is possible.
One of my co-workers is getting married in August. Both are very strong Christians, and have remained chaste during their entire relationship (about a year and a half). He's been chaste for almost 15 years (since his divorce)...she, for almost 6 (since hers).
Now she's bugging me to go with her to one of those "castle boutique" stores because she wants to shop for and wear something "nice but sexy" for the honeymoon. Her future hubby will be justly rewarded for postponing sex until marriage!
your friends are most certainly not fine upstanding individuals. They have cheating hearts and they will never find an honest man because they themselves are cheaters. They would not even believe it if they did have an honest man because they are cheaters.
They may be what I call fine "bowling buddies" but they are not people that anyone can depend on, hence they are losers in the area of real relationships.
This has been an interesting thread. I believe that there are good men and women out there. There are a lot of valueless people out there too. Nice people without any values. People that cannot stand up to trials because there is no grounding in their life. Nice people ... when circumstances are going their way. Quitters when things are not going their way.
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I cannot believe that anyone would run away from a relationship as soon as they start to actually have feeling for the person. If I understood Pukin dog correctly, he wants to have sex with women and as soon as he actually feels emotionally attracted to that woman he runs?
P.D. your problem is not fickle women. I think you have other problems that you readily blame on cheating women. I know many many good women (most of them are married). I hope to get married again to one of them.
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Veritas....
I loved your passage from C.S. Lewis about cutting yourself off from relationships. The idea is that only perfect relationships can be found in heaven, but "hurtless" ones are destined to be made in hell.
I was very sorry to hear you followup and say that you are not going to purue any relationships yourself.
It doesn't have to be 'nice, but sexy'. 'Blatantly erotic' is certainly acceptable within a Christian marriage as well.
Oh yeah, I know, lol. She made that comment when there were others in listening distance. She and I "talk" enough (in private) to know just what she meant, HAR!
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