Posted on 07/04/2003 3:07:11 PM PDT by unspun
Part 1
Valerie Pegues heard Concerned Women for America President Sandy Rios present the hope of the Gospel to lesbian activist Tammy Bruce on Concerned Women Today last April. That prompted Valerie to contact us. She desired to tell the story of her deliverance from lesbianism in which, interestingly, Christian radio played a part. This lifestyle consumed her for 16 years, until she met Jesus Christ and experienced total deliverance through Him. Pamela Wong, director of publications for CWA, interviewed Val, and here is Part 1 of her story. Read the conclusion in the July 17 edition of Culture & Family Report.
Did you grow up in a close family?
We were the typical middle-class family where Mom worked days and cared for us during the evening. My dad worked swing shift and we saw him on the weekends. Saturday was his day to take care of his business and Sunday was family day.
Throughout the week, my siblings and I went our separate ways. We had different friends and interests. On Saturdays we all had to complete our house chores before we were able to carry on with our own agendas. I was the tomboy of the family and could easily be found at the end of the block playing fast-pitch baseball or at our neighborhood park playing basketball. I had two brothers and two sisters and none of them was interested in sports. So, we didn’t spend much time outside of the home with one another.
Although my Dad was not home much, I would have to say my fondest memories are the Friday night pizzas he would bring home after work, Sunday drives to visit relatives, and of course my mom’s homemade Sunday dinners.
Did you have boyfriends?
Yes, but not many. While I was in high school, I dated a teenaged boy a year older than me for three years. That relationship ended when he went to college.
I didn’t have any thoughts about being intimate with girls. I just loved being around my friends. We were good girls with decent morals and we loved to get crazy just like any other teenaged girls. We even formulated a group called “Satan’s Angels." Can you believe that? Wore the letters boldly across our breast. Although we didn’t get into any mischief, I would’ve never worn something like that had I known what I know now.
I knew nothing of homosexuality or any sexuality at that time in my life. My mom always warned the girls about getting pregnant, so I was deathly afraid of being intimate with boys. Any unusual feeling that I had for a girl was rationalized in my mind as just really liking her. But never an inkling to pursue a homosexual relationship.
What kind of unusual feelings do you mean?
Oh, I can recall a girl in grammar school who I thought was really cute. I walked home with her on occasion and I really can’t explain the feelings I had. But again, I had no concept of homosexuality, so I couldn’t identify it at that time as having any special feelings for someone of the same sex.
What about in college?
College was my first experience of a world out of control! My first year, I managed to keep a handle on my responsibilities even though there were lots of temptations. But, by the second year I was so confused with all of the freedoms that I had. Although my experience with homosexuality didn’t begin here, I believe that the vulnerability of it ever occurring did. The sky was the limit, and that is very dangerous for anyone who is disconnected from some type of foundation in life.
I had heard rumors of other women being lesbians, but I had no opinion about it. I think finding out that my brother was gay while I was in college made me tolerant of it.
I did have my first experience with marijuana. I started dating a young man that I had met in high school and my grades began to drop. Instead of discussing my struggles with my parents, I decided that I would join the military to get the structure and discipline that I felt I needed. There couldn’t possibly be any drugs in the military…right? So at age 20, I joined the U.S. Air Force. It was one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve ever had.
Is this when the lesbian relationships began?
Yes, I was in technical school right out of basic training. One of my classmates managed to get A’s on all of her exams despite her late-night partying. I had to find out her study techniques, so we began studying together and eventually started to talk about more personal things. She began to mention a bisexual friend until I wondered if she was as well.
One day, she suddenly asked me, “What would you do if I kissed you?" I really didn’t think about it. All I remember was that I believed that it was something that I could walk away from. It wouldn’t hurt to try it. I never believed that a simple kiss would have me in bondage for 16 years. It was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me, a simple kiss.
What do you mean?
It was just one of those spontaneous decisions that led to what seemed like eternal consequences. The physical intimacy confused me because it felt good. I couldn’t understand how I could feel good kissing a person of the same sex. I felt condemned because, although I didn’t have Christ in my life, instinctively I knew that what I had done was wrong [Romans 2:12-15].
What happened at the next base?
I felt that I could leave this experience behind me. Well, I couldn’t. I struggled with identifying myself as a lesbian. I was paranoid that people viewed me that way even though I didn’t know them. It was just an awful, ongoing struggle to forgive myself and get on with a normal life. I had not been exposed to the message of grace and God’s forgiveness through Jesus Christ. The message I remembered as a child was about going to hell if I did something really bad. In my mind, this was bad.
I befriended an older woman who appeared to be very “religious.” She read her Bible all of the time and went to Catholic mass every Saturday. I thought this was admirable. I wanted to know God and thought I could start by attending mass with her. I later shared my experience with her to get a Biblical perspective of what I had done. She assured me that I was not going to hell. She shared that God still loves us even though we don’t always obey Him and that I need not worry so much. Although I found that comforting, it turned out that she was also living a lesbian lifestyle and we soon ended up dating.
Is lesbianism prevalent in the military?
I would say that the gay/lesbian population in the military is probably a reflection of the civilian community. Gays and lesbians supported one another because they considered themselves “family.” I wouldn’t say that there were a large number at my bases. Even if you were suspected to be gay, it wasn’t really talked about.
Did you see men at this time?
Yes. I was always attracted to men and felt that some day I would be married with children. But, I had trouble bonding with men physically and emotionally. Women became my alternative. I had often heard from other lesbians that they felt much more comfortable with women because they satisfied them emotionally and physically—because women know women best. I fell into that rationale as well. But, now I know the truth. God made us different. That is why men understand men and women understand women. It’s as simple as that. It’s no excuse to have an intimate relationship with the same sex. If a lesbian would be as open with a man as she is with a woman, her experience with a man could be just as satisfying. But, from my observations of friends in the past, they have given up on men for those reasons as well as lack of trust, abuse and other things.
What happened next?
Well, homosexuality became my lifestyle. It was a subtle progression that took about five years. Even though I would go from base to base vowing never to get involved again, I found myself falling into the same sin over and over again. I even got as desperate as using an alias when I got to a new base to try and disassociate myself from my past. But, I’ve learned that sin is everywhere. I had to learn how to confront and conquer it. I just didn’t know how.
I became involved in another relationship when I was based in Germany. This one cost me my career in the Air Force. I had become so depressed because of the emotional abuse from her that I went to Frankfurt for the weekend and got wasted with a group of Rastafarians [members of a Jamaican cult]. I had smoked hash on occasion while in Germany, but didn’t consider myself an abuser. This particular weekend, I was celebrating my birthday without my friend and it was tough. The following Monday morning, I was called in for a random squadron urinalysis. Within three months my career was over. In 1987, I moved back to California devastated, broken, ashamed and extremely depressed. I was fortunate to have a friend that I met at a previous duty station let me stay with her until I got myself together.
Did your family know that you were living a lesbian lifestyle?
My parents did not know. I did share it with my gay brother years before. But on New Year’s Day 1990, I decided I would tell my parents. I believed that I was not going to change. Although I didn’t want to be, I had come to accept that I was a lesbian. I failed at trying to change my lifestyle. Satan had me right where he wanted me, in a comfort zone. Exposure to gay parades and beach parties in San Francisco and Los Angeles had, I thought, liberated me. But, I didn’t think this would be complete without “coming out” to my family. I told my mom first.
How did your mom react?
It didn’t bother her a bit. I felt that she would accept it because she was so close to my brother, even though he was gay. But, she said she had thought I was gay since I was a little girl because I had been such a tomboy. It was then that I began to realize why she treated me different than the other girls in the family. My relationship had always been strained with my mother. My many attempts to please her never seemed adequate. I never felt feminine enough for her. My two sisters spent more time with her while I did what made me the happiest, play sports. As I listened to Tammy Bruce’s interview with Sandy Rios on Concerned Women Today, she mentioned that some women turned to this lifestyle because they were detached from their mothers. For the first time, I had to consider whether that was a factor in me choosing to live in this lifestyle.
Did you ever think, “This was the way I was made. I can’t change”?
My brother use to tell me that he felt he was born that way. But I was never convinced for myself. I gave much thought to it as I struggled to be free from it. I believe that some gays and lesbians who practice this behavior believe this only because they have not been able to conquer it. Those who say they are happy might be. But, after you have practiced a behavior for several years, you can learn to be happy. I knew that I had made choices in my life. This lifestyle was about a behavior that became an addiction.
Did your dad ever learn that you were a lesbian?
No. My mom didn’t want me to tell him, and he passed away within six months after I told her. It was his death that took me on another search for the truth. My dad and I were very close when I was a little girl. As I grew up, I just felt more comfortable relating to him than I did my mom. So his death was devastating, especially since it occurred while I was out celebrating my 30th birthday.
I left California for Chicago, to spend time with my mother after my father’s death. Again, I had an opportunity to start fresh. This time I was not interested in any relationships. I was still mourning the death of my father and I just wanted to help my mother get through this tough time. I needed something, but I knew of nothing that could satisfy the emptiness that I was experiencing at that time. Neither did I know that I had come home to a brother who was dying of AIDS.
Be sure to read Part II of this interview, in which Valerie shares how she comes to faith in Christ and overcomes lesbianism, in the July 17 edition of Culture & Family Report. (There will be no issue next week.)
You may e-mail Valerie at spiritflld1@attbi.com.
Many women think its just to difficult to nurture a relationship with a man, so they get into lesbian relationships. Well damnit, God made men & women differently on purpose and sometimes its tough to build a solid relationship....but thats what we are supposed to do damnit...don't bail out and turn dyke just because it takes a little work.
I found that statement odd. We all have to handle it, weither we go to college or just get a job and move out of the family home. I await Part II.
This also was an odd remark since she stated she had a typical family invironment, BUT she did not answer YES when asked if hers was a 'close family'!!
I would tend to put family life on the first or second floor.
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