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How can people live like that?

Well, I can't speak to why men do, but I have a good idea why women do - because for a little while in my early twenties, I did.

I was financially and professionally dependent on my partner. He was a sharp-tongued man with movie-star looks, and for a year and a half, he slowly turned me into a shell of my former self - I had no self-confidence once he was through with me. No self-confidence, no way (I thought) to make money that didn't involve working with him, isolated from my family for a year and a half, living half-way across the country from them...then one day, in my most vulnerable moment, he surprised me by giving me a bloody nose and choking me.

At that point, I was no longer the person I was when I met him. I lived like that for another year and a half until a friend and co-worker practically kidnapped me to get me out of there. After that, he cried on my doorstep for another good year and a half, begging me to come back.

So it's complicated.

I'm glad you got out though. : )

No self-confidence, no way (I thought) to make money that didn't involve working with him, isolated from my family for a year and a half, living half-way across the country from them...then one day, in my most vulnerable moment, he surprised me by giving me a bloody nose and choking me.

I'm sorry you went through that sort of treatment from someone you had trusted.

Thanks for the post; you aren't alone. I wouldn't say this sort of pattern is *common* but it isn't rare either. I saw almost exactly what you describe happen to my sister; finally my parents and I had to intervene to get her out of that sick relationship.

[He was wonderful to her in public and gushingly warm to us, but then vicious when they were alone. So in the beginning we would say to her "what a great guy you've found..." and she would be thinking inside that she must therefore deserve that treatment. He was constantly - and I must say ingeniously - setting these little traps for my sister: she would do the natural thing in some situation he had arranged and because of some fact he had "forgotten" to tell her, she would be publicly humiliated. And again, in front of everyone he would be sympathetic and laugh it off, while twisting the knife later in private. Gradually we kept seeing less of her, always with some excuse. And so on. After a year of that, she had no emotional resources to resist when physical abuse began. After we got her away from him he carried on a pattern of long - distance harrassment for years. What a monster.]

Since my eyes were opened I've encountered at least two other relationships unfolding on this pattern, though at enough of a distance that there wasn't much I could do to help.

You're not alone, DOAIJV. I spent 5 years with a verbally abusive boyfriend. He was so jealous of my close family, my skills, my friends, anything that took the center of attention off of him, that he constantly cut me down. Since this was my first "real" relationship (we met in High School), I didn't know any better. Since the blows weren't physical, I didn't see it as abusive. Then, one day, I had enough and kicked him out of my life completely.

I'm actually thankful for the experience. It showed me early on what I DIDN'T want in a man. If I hadn't learned then what was important in a future husband, I wouldn't have been so incredibly blessed with a fabulous husband that I love to distraction, two wonderful kids, and a life of inner peace (despite too many "rollercoasters" in recent years). We're coming up on 10 years of marriage, and I am still his "everything."

Not surprisingly, the ex-boyfriend still hasn't married.