Studies shatter myth about abuse

USAToday ^ | June 22, 2003 | Karen S. Peterson

[BudgieRamone]

WASHINGTON

[SauronOfMordor]

Rita Smith of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is not convinced that men are afraid of abusive women. "That fear is a critical factor in any domestic violence situation. And the abuse is part of an ongoing pattern to control someone else's behavior."

An abuser is an abuser. A woman's psychological abuse can be as bad as physical abuse.

A woman can throw the first punch, then dare the man to hit her back, with him knowing that if he touches her, she has an excuse to have him arrested, divorce him for "abuse", take his assets, and a good chunk of his future income.

Men are stronger than women, on average, but that doesn't mean that a man isn't vulnerable to being hit with a lamp, knifed, or shot

[SauronOfMordor]

Many researchers' findings in earlier, government-financed studies emphasize the man's role. ,,, crucial in the creative statistics game.

The dirty little secret of "research" is that hardly any gets done except under somebody's grant. In the "social sciences", if the anticipated result is not what the grant issuer would be happy with, the grant won't be issued. And if the actual result makes the grant issuer unhappy, the grantee knows he won't get another one

[SauronOfMordor]

NO MAN SHOULD EVER HIT A WOMAN... unless she hits him first".

ANother way of putting it:

1. A men should never hit a lady
2. A woman who initiates physical violence is not a lady

[Kozak]

I've always been amazed at the fact that when a woman threatens violence or hits a man, it's okay. Watch TV talk shows, commercials, SitComs, movies. If "the man has it comming", it's funny or cute when he gets smacked or hit with a thrown object ( watched the movie "Just Married" last night, the guy was assaulted by 2 women). However no matter what he women says or does a guy is NEVER justified in reacting physically. Gives women the mistaken idea in real life that they get a free shot. Personally, I wouldn't hit a woman back, I'd just NEVER be in the position where it would happen again. NEVER. But not everyone feels that way.....

[SauronOfMordor]

Watch TV talk shows, commercials, SitComs, movies.

Yeah, I notice that too. In commercials and sitcoms, a common response to a man saying something a woman dislikes, is for the woman to take a pie or some food object and shove it into his face, or pour her drink over his head etc. It's become part of the culture to see that as OK for a woman to do.

[netmilsmom]

Maybe you should have hit him. Or maybe you can tell me where he lives and I'll send my two nephews (both 25) and my former marine hubby to see him. The slime.
Glad you made it through ok. You could have been hurt so much more.

[Cathryn Crawford]

Here in my home state of Floriduh we use our constitution to regulate pig pens. Coincidently, we also used the state constitution to mandate maximum class size.

Which is insane, among other things...

[M0sby]

Have you met my dad???? ;-)
He also said, "Any woman who hits me better make it a good shot, 'cause I get the next one."

(He is a really good man BTW)

[singsong]

It is of interest to me that many of these laws serve primarily to increase the number of non-productive agency employees dealing with 'created" violations.
I would also say "encouraged" violations. I know school children encouraged to run from home by the school counselor because their parents were too "strict" - in the sense of not allowing them to do everything the kids wanted! With such a nice "safety net" it's no wander many people can't cope and can't find any other way than the "Hollywood solution".

[TheWriterInTexas]

You're not alone, DOAIJV. I spent 5 years with a verbally abusive boyfriend. He was so jealous of my close family, my skills, my friends, anything that took the center of attention off of him, that he constantly cut me down. Since this was my first "real" relationship (we met in High School), I didn't know any better. Since the blows weren't physical, I didn't see it as abusive. Then, one day, I had enough and kicked him out of my life completely.

I'm actually thankful for the experience. It showed me early on what I DIDN'T want in a man. If I hadn't learned then what was important in a future husband, I wouldn't have been so incredibly blessed with a fabulous husband that I love to distraction, two wonderful kids, and a life of inner peace (despite too many "rollercoasters" in recent years). We're coming up on 10 years of marriage, and I am still his "everything."

Not surprisingly, the ex-boyfriend still hasn't married.

[TheWriterInTexas]

Rant on, Budgie! It's about time the true picture was revealed.

Two of my brothers dated abusive women. They would hit them, kick them, physically assault them, and then cry like babies if my brothers made any defensive moves (not hitting back, but even pushing them away was considered "abuse"). Thankfully, they both moved onto greener pastures and these nutjobs were sent packing.

That's not to say some men are lower than snakes - some are, I have first hand experience. But this demonization of men in total has got to stop!

[Post Toasties]

Rita Smith of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is not convinced that men are afraid of abusive women. "That fear is a critical factor in any domestic violence situation. And the abuse is part of an ongoing pattern to control someone else's behavior."

Rita Smith is full of it. Not causing fear is no excuse, does not make it any less violence nor any less reprehensible. Not that I'm such a great guy, but I've never hit a woman or girl in my life, not even any of my three sisters & I'd be severely disappointed in any woman who had so little self control that she repeatedly resorted to physical violence.

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

I know that every good relationship has to have some aspects of dependency, but I guess there needs to be some sort of balance to the arrangement such that each person can at least visualize the possibility of living without the other should the other become physically or emotionally untrustworthy or abusive.

That would be the healthy thing, I agree.

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

I know just what you mean.

Your post reminded me of an incident when my boyfriend bought me a very nice watch at a jewelry store, much to my surprise. My mistake was answering honestly when someone we worked with asked me where I got it. I could tell by the look on his face that I was going to pay for that, and I did. (To this day, I have no idea why he thought it was bad for me to credit him with the gift. Maybe he didn't want anyone to know he cared for me enough to buy me a watch, because everyone already knew we lived together.)

The co-worker later said to me, when I revealed to him what our life was like, "Really? I had no idea he was like that!" Our line of work was such that we shared a residence with two other people - this guy was one of them - and it took them a very long time to figure out what was happening.

Abusers can really fool people sometimes.

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

I'm glad you and your wife found each other. (My luck improved when I got older, too.)

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

Thank you. You are very kind.

Interestingly, he lives not far from where I currently live; I haven't seen him in probably sixteen years - but a few years back he tried to track me down, and he went so far as to use other people in our field of work to try to find me. He was trying to get me to work with him again. It's as though he has no grasp on the fact that the relationship was bad.

[DaughterOfAnIwoJimaVet]

I'm actually thankful for the experience. It showed me early on what I DIDN'T want in a man.

I can relate to that.

I also know the verbal abuse can be just as bad. It's often a precursor to physical abuse, as well. (I learned later on, from a friend of the family, that my boyfriend's dad had been verbally and physically abusive to him when he was growing up. I wonder what kind of relationship your ex had with his parents.)

I'm glad things worked out for you. Hopefully your ex-boyfriend will get a counselor one of these days and get a grip on his problem.

[TheWriterInTexas]

In truth, his parents were very loving and gentle people who couldn't understand how he turned out that way. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems he had the opposite problem (too much patient love, not enough discipline). Like a spoiled brat, they let him throw temper tantrums well into adulthood.

Sorry to say, I've seen the opposite, too. Brutal parents that raise brutal kids.

I lose sleep at night sometimes wondering if I'm giving my own kiddos the right mix of love and discipline. My Mom assures me that if I'm worried about raising them right, I'm probably raising them right.

Thanks for the exchange, DOAIJV. I hope the future holds only bright things for you.

[MEGoody]

"Longing for the good old days when men were men, and thumped those that stepped out of line, including wives and children."

If my husband every 'thumped' me, he'd better not go to sleep. A needle with good strong thread would immobilize him, and a baseball bat makes a might fine meat tenderizer.