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This Just In: Re-Racking ©
NewsMax.com ^ | Thursday June 19, 2003 | Norman Liebmann

Posted on 06/21/2003 12:51:28 AM PDT by f.Christian

This Just In: Re-Racking ©

Norman Liebmann

THIS JUST IN: Some pro-choice feminists are attending sniper schools so they can deploy outside abortion clinics and pick off any infants that manage to survive partial birth procedures.

THIS JUST IN: Vermont prisons have instituted a program for same-sex conjugal visits, but were disappointed to find out the inmates started without them.

THIS JUST IN: The Washington sniper sent police the message “I am God” and then demanded payment of ten million dollars. Apparently he’s another one of those people whose idea of religiosity begins and ends with taking up a collection.

THIS JUST IN: A new cocktail popular in New York boites is the Hillary Clinton Martini. It consists of two parts embalming fluid to one part Feminique.

THIS JUST IN: Affirmative Action has enabled an Ivy League University to enroll twice the usual number of minority students in its School of African Studies. The bad news is now there are an unprecedented number of unemployed college graduates with degrees in Ivory Poaching.

THIS JUST IN: Impatient lovers will soon be able to buy Viagra in two new strengths - Over The Counter and the faster-acting Right On Top Of The Counter.

THIS JUST IN: The Arkansas Supreme Court is split on the separation of outhouse and state.

THIS JUST IN: Statistics show for every illegal alien that sneaks into America there’s a grape in Mexico screaming to be picked.

THIS JUST IN: Attention Bill Clinton: Silicon Valley technologists are working on a zipper that can be opened by voice activation.

THIS JUST IN: A linguist reports that the length of conversation between Arabs is determined by the length of time they can hold their noses. The same factor determines the length of their honeymoons.

THIS JUST IN: Hillary Clinton did not confide in Barbara Walters that she stopped worrying about Bill’s philandering after he promised to undergo surgery to have his prostate removed and replaced with a LoJack.

THIS JUST IN: A crowd gathered when they thought they saw Michael Jackson, but it turned out to be some other moon walking, skin-bleaching, nostril narrowing, balcony baby-dangling, son of a bitch. (I suppose it’s a mistake anyone might make.)

THIS JUST IN: Any Indian who is serving time in San Quentin can apply for a license to convert his Cell Block to a maximum security casino.

THIS JUST IN: Tourists visiting San Francisco say they will not ride the cable cars there until the homeless reason out the difference between a public conveyance and a public convenience.

THIS JUST IN: Inscribe Monday, June 9, 2003 in your diary. It’s the date Rush Limbaugh finally got around to calling Bill Clinton a traitor.

THIS JUST IN: A prominent archeologist has determined that there has been a Palestinian civilization in existence in the Middle East as far back as Tuesday.

THIS JUST IN: IQ tests reveal that the Dixie Chicks fall into the intellectual gap somewhere between people who are brain dead and guppies.

THIS JUST IN: To win Muslim votes, Democrats will institute a new outreach program called Take a Fanatic to Lunch Week.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton will have to do jury duty – but only if they can find anyone in the government with the balls to haul Clinton into a courtroom.

THIS JUST IN: Times must be tough in the inner city. 7/Eleven stores may start selling Cocaine Helper.

THIS JUST IN: The New York Times will inoculate all their employees who might have been bitten by Jayson Blair, due to a recent medical study that reports plagiarism is contagious.

THIS JUST IN: The Palestinians have lowered the age for suicide bombers. Their parents are having them fitted with exploding diapers.

THIS JUST IN: Members of the Border Patrol say most illegal aliens are members of the same family because they all answer to the name Hands Up.

THIS JUST IN: San Francisco is breaking new ground in accommodating the gays and the homeless with same sex shopping carts.

THIS JUST IN: It is reported golfer Casey Martin convinced the Supreme Court to force the PGA to allow him to play a tournament from a golf cart, He produced a note from his big toe specialist at the Department of Stubs and Sprains at the Institute of Trivial Diseases – and his mother.

THIS JUST IN: The homosexual community will force florists to refer to the flower pansy as the “P” word.

THIS JUST IN: A network is contemplating a talk show with Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson – a series of discussions with a president who used to be white and an entertainer who used to be black.

THIS JUST IN: A transsexual who went from a man to a woman, changed his mind and had the doctor return him to a man again. The surgical procedure is called “the full Vermonty.”

THIS JUST IN: The Security Council determined that strife cannot exist in any country where the UN has decided not to do anything about it.

THIS JUST IN: Bill Clinton changed his mind about going on staff when he realized the name of the network was Al Jazeera, not Al Bra-zeera.

THIS JUST IN: The mainstream media is offering a new service for Catholics. With every new subscription, a New York Times reporter will precede you into the confessional and read a pre-written denial of your sins.

THIS JUST IN: With Hillary as their Senator and Bill as the prospective Mayor of “the Big Apple,” for New Yorkers, their sandbox runneth over.


TOPICS: Philosophy; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: normanliebmann
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Norman Liebmann is a columnist and former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and created the characters for The Munsters - who are all named after his relatives). Please visit his website ... Firehat.com --- a treasure trove of articles and humor.
1 posted on 06/21/2003 12:51:28 AM PDT by f.Christian
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To: gonzo; Mustang
Norman Liebmann is a former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin); he wrote and produced Chico and the Man; created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives); worked on many great, legendary TV shows such as Baretta and the Dick Van Dyke Show; worked in feature films and theatre; and is a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. He received an Emmy Nomination (Bob Newhart Variety Show) and was awarded Writer of the Year (Radio TV Daily). Please visit his website ... Firehat --- a treasure trove of Clinton and Media bashing.

firehat@adelphia.net

2 posted on 06/21/2003 1:02:08 AM PDT by f.Christian (( I'm going to rechristen evolution, in honor of f.Christian, "shlockology"... HumanaeVitae ))
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To: f.Christian
To: firehat
It has been said that in the early days of his too-brief career as a guitarist, when Jimi Hendrix entered a bar to entertain other guitarists would pack up and leave in embarrassment.
For me, Norm, you have become the Jimi Hendrix of the political word. May you live long, and prosper!
From: The Duke () *
01/10/98 02:37:40 PST






To: The Duke
The Duke - Before I was a writer I was a musician. I and most of the musicians I knew, no matter how accomplished they were, found our instruments unconquerable. Jimi Hendrix was a glorious exception to any such limitation. You do me great honor and I am mindful of it. Thank you.
Best, Norm (firehat)
3 posted on 06/21/2003 3:27:02 PM PDT by f.Christian (( I'm going to rechristen evolution, in honor of f.Christian, "shlockology"... HumanaeVitae ))
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To: f.Christian
Heyyyy.... Your old writing style used to be a LOT different.
4 posted on 06/22/2003 2:50:13 AM PDT by BradyLS
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To: f.Christian
Thanks
I needed that
5 posted on 06/22/2003 3:10:13 AM PDT by DeaconRed
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To: BradyLS
I wish ... norm is the master --- word magician !
6 posted on 06/22/2003 3:13:54 AM PDT by f.Christian (( I'm going to rechristen evolution, in honor of f.Christian, "shlockology"... HumanaeVitae ))
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To: f.Christian
I'd like to see Norm do something along these lines called "Just Once"...as in:

Just Once...

I'd like to see Ari Fleischer say, "Helen, why don't you just shut the hell up."

It would be nice to see Rummy answer a question at a press briefing with, "That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever been asked..."

Could we see a little more Sarah Jessica Parker on "Sex in the City"...ok, maybe not.

7 posted on 06/22/2003 3:18:41 AM PDT by Keith in Iowa (Tag line produced using 100% post-consumer recycled, dropped ethernet packets,)
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To: f.Christian
THE NUMBER OF DEEP RICH LAUGHS FOSTERED BY THIS tops the next 10 contenders put together.

THANKS TONS.
8 posted on 06/22/2003 4:36:24 AM PDT by Quix
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To: Keith in Iowa
There could be a whole list on Helen Thumbarse SHUT UP lines.

9 posted on 06/22/2003 4:39:02 AM PDT by Quix
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To: f.Christian
Great! And thanks for the list!
10 posted on 06/22/2003 8:51:27 AM PDT by BradyLS
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To: BradyLS; All
Yeah ... norm is alka seltzer (( pain )) PLUS (( flu // cold symptons )) --- KAOfirehat !
11 posted on 06/22/2003 11:07:46 AM PDT by f.Christian (( I'm going to rechristen evolution, in honor of f.Christian, "shlockology"... HumanaeVitae ))
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To: f.Christian
Thanks for the ping....gonzo and I go way back in being big time fans and friends of Norm. His web site is treasure trove and remains at the top of my most favorite list. He rules. We love and cherish him, his wit, style and prose. And, he's a heck of a great guy and real deal person!

Mustang sends from "Malpaso News"
12 posted on 06/22/2003 11:30:32 AM PDT by Mustang (Evil Thrives When Good People Do Nothing!)
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To: Mustang
Yeah ...

words of appreciation ---

from our friend I can share his ...

"Thank you for hanging in there with me ... loyal friends" !

Where's gonzo ?
13 posted on 06/22/2003 5:08:11 PM PDT by f.Christian (( I'm going to rechristen evolution, in honor of f.Christian, "shlockology"... HumanaeVitae ))
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To: f.Christian
"...Where's Gonzo...?"

Back in his abode...recovering. Hopefully, he'll be "meaner" than he was before. :-))
14 posted on 06/22/2003 10:45:01 PM PDT by Mustang (Evil Thrives When Good People Do Nothing!)
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To: Mustang
bttt
15 posted on 06/23/2003 3:39:19 PM PDT by f.Christian (( I'm going to rechristen evolution, in honor of f.Christian, "shlockology"... HumanaeVitae ))
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To: f.Christian
THIS JUST IN: A transsexual who went from a man to a woman, changed his mind and had the doctor return him to a man again. The surgical procedure is called “the full Vermonty.”

16 posted on 06/26/2003 2:05:55 PM PDT by f.Christian (( Shock -- revelations (( designed universe )) ... AWE --- you haven't seen anything - yet ))
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To: f.Christian
THIS JUST IN: The homosexual community will force florists to refer to the flower pansy as the “P” word.
17 posted on 06/27/2003 11:04:28 AM PDT by f.Christian (( Shock -- revelations (( designed universe )) ... AWE --- you haven't seen anything - yet ))
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To: f.Christian; OWK
THIS JUST IN: San Francisco is breaking new ground in accommodating the gays and the homeless with same sex shopping carts.

18 posted on 06/28/2003 11:57:43 AM PDT by f.Christian (( Shock -- revelations (( designed universe )) ... AWE --- you haven't seen anything - yet ))
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To: f.Christian
THIS JUST IN: Affirmative Action has enabled an Ivy League University to enroll twice the usual number of minority students in its School of African Studies. The bad news is now there are an unprecedented number of unemployed college graduates with degrees in Ivory Poaching.

19 posted on 06/28/2003 2:03:46 PM PDT by f.Christian (( Shock -- revelations (( designed universe )) ... AWE --- you haven't seen anything - yet ))
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To: f.Christian
bttt
20 posted on 06/29/2003 11:32:25 AM PDT by f.Christian (( Shock -- revelations (( designed universe )) ... AWE --- you haven't seen anything - yet ))
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