Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
Regardless how she would do in head to head debates, the press will spin everything in Hillary's favor. The New York Times' Blair scandle is just the tip of the iceberg as far as press manipulation of the news is concerned.
First, you have to buy into the idea that a man IS controlled by his groin. Most here apparently have or are, judging by the responses. Feminists have been trying to "dumb down" men for the last 40 years or so. Look at how men are portrayed in commercials and on TV. Dim-witted, blithering idiots that can only be saved from their sheer stupidity by the 'empowered" woman, the logical, brainy, has-it-all-together, "smart" one. It naturally follows then, that men are creatures who only operate on instinct, and their sexual drive is the most poweful force in the universe to them. That's what Feminists think, and they apparently have succeeded in getting men to think of themselves that way, too.
Real men aren't that way. A real man controls his sexual urges, they don't control him. A real man has self-control. A real man doesn't screw every woman in sight, even if he can and has the opportunity. A real man has respect for himself, respect for women, and respect for morality. Men are not what Feminists define them as, they are what God defines them as. A real man loves and respects God, His Word, and lives by it.
... I repeat, he's not very kind.
But if he would have lived with her, slept with her and shared her most intimate self and then decided she wasn't the one and rejected her at her deepest level that would be kind?
(btw, i like you FR homepage statement)
(eye roll)
Well said.
Physical attraction plays a part for both men and women, regardless of whether they are celibate or promiscuous. Whether or not it is less of a factor for celibates, I claim no real knowledge. My guess would be that it varies with the individual, the same as what is "attractive" varies from indivudual to individual. We've all seen couples that we can't help but wonder what each sees in the other, but that's because we have a different idea of what's attractive (to us) than they do.
I still say that if being celibate makes physical attraction more of a factor, then, in the case of men, you are actually reinfocing the idea that men are slaves to their sexual appetites, at least to some degree. I don't think that's necessarily true, nor should it be. Do I have a sexual appetite? Certainly! I was married for 16 years, and fathered 3 children. We all know how that happened. I've been divorced for 12 years. Have I had sex in those 12 years? Yes, and I've learned through painful reality that it isn't in my best interest to do so outside of marriage. That's why I support the idea of celibacy. Is it difficult to abstain? Yes! But I feel better about myself, and if things don't work out between me and someone I date, it doesn't hurt near as much, because there's no spiritual union to rip apart. Not only that, but I've found that the woman isn't hurt as much either, and several of those women remain good friends.
It's all about boundaries. Setting boundaries makes it easier to truly get to know someone, because having sex by the third date only confuses the issue. I don't buy this idea that people have to "find out if they're sexually compatible". What's to find out? When a man and a woman get married, they learn how to please their partner, what they like, etc., and are free to explore it, safe in their love for each other. The equipment is basically the same, with only minor variations.
What do you mean by "birth control"? If any of your co-fornicators use abortifacient drugs for that purpose then you may be participating in the creation of a human being who is then killed by those humanticides. Assuming for the sake of argument that you may not mind the death of such a very young child of yours, what would you do if one of your co-fornicators decided to hire an abortionist to chop up the baby at some time before birth? Isn't that "birth control", too?
Cordially,
Someone put it very well in another thread: Make sure the person you decide to marry won't bail out too easily. Relationships are a lot of work, and there are inevitable and serious problems. The people who are stellar successes are those who work at making it work well.
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