Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."The lady attorney was not abstaining. Also, there is no mention that they dated exclusively. So, Mr. Celibate was actually dating a woman who was also dating other men and sleeping with them and he knew about it. She was willing to commit to an exclusive relationship that was celibate until marriage but he simply wasn't interested in marrying her. (Maybe because she was whoring with other men already and he was looking for a woman with more integrity than a bimbo/lawyerette?)
About 5 years ago, I was 27 and in that same boat. Then I met someone who didn't think there was anything wrong with a person like me. Only problem was she got a blood clot in her lung fourteen months later.
Still, I did get almost six months of marital 'perks'.
When we broke up, he got very pissy. Heck - he still has some of my stuff.
My attitude has changed over the years. Marriage is a contract, and there's always the chance that the relationship will fail. And it take more than one willing person to make things work out. I'm divorced, and although we had discussed a pre-nup, we never got around to it. And it was my idea.
I was a virgin when I married. So was one of my sisters, and we're basically in your age group. Most of my girlfriends in college were not, although I've met quite a few women since then that were abstinent until marriage.
I'm glad I waited, and I've always been grateful that my mother told me "a moment of pleasure isn't worth a lifetime of regret."
Of course, I've been called a "freak" before on FR for talking about this issue in the past.
I've come to the conclusion, after reading this forum for four years, that I have very little in common with most folks that call themselves "conservatives." This thread is just more evidence of that.
To each his own. That's exactly how several of my best relationships got started. One of them turned out to be The One.
Well, from what I remember, the reunions are the best part ;)
Glad to hear that you've got good genetics. Mine are terrible - all the men in my family drop dead like clockwork from stroke at age 65. So, I'll be posting here for a little more than 20 years, and its pouf he was gone ...
Erm, the males tend to die young in my family too, but the females tend to live into their late 90's. We just get more cranky and eccentric with each passing year. >:>
Sex as part of a serious relationship that might end in commitment is not "casual sex". Mr. Washington, in rejecting both kinds of involvement, has discovered that women regard him as...well, a creep on a power trip.
Your source for this data?
More likely, they would have EXPECTED it. And consequently respected it.
What is so strange about a person who chooses to have respect for himself, respect for women, and decides he's not going to be controlled by his groin? Why is that viewed with such disdain? He's actually onto something here. He's learned something that is apparently beyond the grasp of most people today, who are led about by their lusts, and think that if they can have sex, they should or must. Sex is a union of spirits, not just a union of body parts. He's figured that out!
Of course, women have been brainwashed to believe that men are nothing more than apes with a brain, and that the one thing that is certain is that he wants sex, wants it at his earliest opportunity, and will do anything to get it. If you ask me, women are the stupid ones for giving it up so easily. It's a lack of self-respect, and a lack of self-control.
Well, considering that for most men, their "member" is a navigational device, it's difficult for them to conceive of a guy who doesn't walk around all the time with his "member" in his hand...
That's what I got out of it, too. She couldn't control herself, and he picked up on that. If a man is going to respect himself enough to be celibate, it's not unreasonable of him to expect the same in a potential mate, and failing to find that, deciding that committment to such a person would not be a smart thing.
Ladies, the reason it bothers you is because deep down, you know he's right.
It's properly called fornication.
Assuming that your motivation is to find the right wife forever, making sure you are sexually compatible is as important as making sure you agree on children and handling money. Just last week, we celebrated our 25th anniversary. I credit the longevity of our marriage to our spending four years trying out every aspect of marriage before making the commitment - and to both of us trying out a lot of other partners first.
I'm sorry, but it is self-evident from what you have said that you do not, did not, and can never have the joy and intimacy of virignal marital love.
Cordially,
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.