Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
Reminds me.. the other night my quite liberal girlfriend was reading a book by Germaine Greer and she read me a part of it.. something about how "Most women are not aware of how much men hate them".
At first I denied it, but then I thought about it.. might have some truth to it.
I'm talking mainly about people who have been in previous marriages, especially those of us who still have children at home. Why can't you understand that some folks want to enjoy the company of another person without the tax and legal problems? Well those are just a start of the potential problems. If a mature couple wants to have a relationship, then what kind of problem could you have with that?
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And you could have offered an intelligent reply.
Once more.
Just where exactly does it say that?
WELL, Big Mouth?
So9
Not necessarily. But again, what is the guy playing at when he "dates" a woman for six months and seems confounded by her expectation of the possibility of marriage? If he wants sexless companionship then he needs to make friendships with women, which don't include romantic evenings of wining and dining.
That's called courtship.
I'm not prepared to deny it, at least in a few (mercifully few) cases. Even ("he said ruefully ...") on FreeRepublic. And it works the other way as well; there are certainly some vicious, huevo-cracking, life-sucking harpies out there who hate anything in trousers. Boorish and rude behavior is practiced by both sexes, thanks very much.
So from what you say, you and Mr. Washington seem eminently compatible. Go for it! You'll have all the advantages of marriage (tax deductions, more friends, etc.) with none of that ee-vil sex stuff.
What you need is a traveling salesman or a truck driver ;) Bi-coastal or even bi-national relationships are successfully practiced every day. One party is on the road/in the air a lot of the time while the other stays at home or works. You get together only on a sporadic basis, which is what some people prefer (like my ex, for example).
Glad to hear that you've got good genetics. Mine are terrible - all the men in my family drop dead like clockwork from stroke at age 65. So, I'll be posting here for a little more than 20 years, and its pouf he was gone ...
You hit my funny bone!! You are so cute!!
Are you referring to Passionate Love as "eevil sex"?? :-P
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