Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
I tried to quit smoking. Existed 23 days on the nicotine patch, and I'll quit again someday. Life shouldn't be a cross to bear, however I grew up like that. Life shouldn't be like that.
Well, yes...but quite often, despite the honest intention to pursue alternative methods of sex, sooner or later people ends up doing the traditional thing, and le voila, there is a pregnancy. in fact, it especially happens when people are trying alternative methods because they expect to use the alternative and aren't armed with birth control for that reason. Believe me on this.
I don't think the notion of finding "a man that will love them forever" is much a concern to most feminists.
Not on purpose.
The celibacy is on purpose if they are committed, traditional, conservative Christians. I'm not saying they like it.
And if Mr. Washington is having a difficult time finding women who appreciate his attitude toward sex, he needs to be looking for girlfriends in church. They won't all be chaste, but the chances of finding the sort of woman he wants will be higher than in the general population.
Heehee, maybe weird is the wrong word. Maybe we just think for ourselves :)
Unless of course the "man" in question is Andrew Jackson, Ulysses S. Grant, or Benjamin Franklin. Prefably Benjamin Franklin ...
Yup, there is something wrong. With you.
I suspect most men feel that way intuitively--but have been brainwashed out of it, as people have an equally strong inborn desire to feel they belong to a group--a society; our modern society tells men and women that following certain of their inborn inclinations is bad, so people repress those inborn feelings to fit-in.
This creates one of many innter-conflicts that account for the mental problems of moderns.
We have perhaps gone from the too prudish to the opposite extreme in the past 150 or so years.
In my opinion.
With enough dead presidents in your retinue, Diamond Jim will always be around at your beck and call ;)
Au contraire.
The next generation is nature's way of saying, "You should have kept it in your jeans."
Ah, yes. The legacy of the welfare state. The KKK couldn't have done more harm to the black family than that inflicted by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, the civil rights pimps and their limousine liberal "friends."
I would have to agree with that statement. Something that black women have to deal with is that many black men prefer to date outside their race while black women choose not to. Oprah Winfrey and Condoleeza Rice are 2 examples of sucessful black women who have never been married, and probably never will. Damn shame.
Seems the focus is a little askew. Being sexually active with someone can mess with one's head and heart and prevent one from thinking clearly. It also seems to push things into a pattern where it is something then expected from the relationship on a regular basis. There is a reason why the Lord said it should stay inside of marriage. IMHO
Or at least the compliment of being hit-on. LOL
Oprah, definitely. She will have marriage experts and proposals of marriage on her show when she has steadfastly denied Stedman Graham and she ever plan to make it official. But Condoleezza? I have never heard such a thing suggested before. Why wouldn't she get married except for the fact that her brilliance probably intimidates men, keeping them away from her like a force field?
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