If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
We refuse to answer.
Ducking and running now...
Posted on 06/06/2003 7:55:04 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1
OK LADIES - LEARN THE RULES!!!!!!
The Rules developed by National Fairness to Men Organization. This time like the "United States Constitution" these rules are developed by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules for all women to live by! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Rules for Women to Live By
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
I'm not worthy to walk in your rather large shadow...
Maybe that's why I have always gotten along better with males than with females....I've always wondered, but have NEVER been able to figure that one out.
I'm the same way. I don't watch soap operas (including the ones that seem to have invaded prime-time television), I loathe and despise shopping and only do it when necessary, (can't remember the last time I was in a mall) I have NFL season tickets, I dread wedding and baby showers (all that squealing and giggling...aaaauuuggghhhh!) and have many more male friends than female friends.
And I am very feminine and even have that long hair these guys seems to be so insistent upon.
Go figger.
Q: How can you tell when an Australian woman is having an orgasm?
A: Why does it matter?
Ducking and running now...
My hand is up...you just can't see it.
But we are always available to help them work it off! :-)
Shake shake shake you're booty.............!!!!
I don't HATE shopping, per se....but like to go find what I want, and spend the minimal amount of time possible finding it. I like to find great gifts, but tend to look at the challange of great gifts in the same way I do while working. It's a question of research. The faster you can correlate and concatenate info, the more effecient the success....
I cannot STAND women who spend all day strolling through stores looking at everything...for no reason in particular...and MIGHT come home with one item, or not, depending. My mother and sister and law do that...they invite us along...we make excuses not to go.
Last year, they offered to take us out to 'lunch' for our anniversary. Anticipating a huge meal of seafood, neither of us ate breakfast...
'Lunch' finally materialized after 9 hours of driving to and hiking through every store from here to the restaraunt, with a total of three items bought by both mother and sister in law combined. UH...the meal was great, but Hubby (a diabetic) and I (hypoglycemic...the REAL kind) agreed: it was not worth the trip.
By the time we finally got home from 'lunch' that night...we fell into bed, exhausted and with NO feeling of 'gee, that was fun'. We'd rather invite a few people and do barbeque.
When a free, all-you-can-eat seafood meal is not worth the trouble to HARD CORE SEAFOOD LOVERS....well, you can guess we'll probably even pass on THOSE now if they come from two shopaholics like that.
</rant mode OFF>
My hand is up...you just can't see it.
Mine too! See Post #242. Shopping is boring. I hate it, hate it, hate it.
Red
Red
Red
In the mall, Hubby and I split up. This makes the trip quicker, easier and more effecient. He goes one way, I go the other. We pick a spot to meet at, at a certain hour. We do not deviate from the (discussed, agreed upon as reasonable for acheiving the endeavor) schedule.
If we discover, upon comparing our purchases and correlating them to the people on our gift list, we can always do a second trip later. Had to break Hubby of the 'ALL CHRISTMAS SHOPPING DONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE' habit for that, but he saw the practicality in the suggestion.
Why would a woman want to be married to a gay guy?
Oh, believe me, I've gotten that give the early gift and excuse thing down to a fine art. LOL
Red
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