Posted on 06/06/2003 7:55:04 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1
OK LADIES - LEARN THE RULES!!!!!!
The Rules developed by National Fairness to Men Organization. This time like the "United States Constitution" these rules are developed by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules for all women to live by! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Rules for Women to Live By
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
As a woman, my opinion of soap operas has always been that they give you brain damage. Give me a good action or horror movie, a good comedy, especially a spoof, a good documentary on the history channel, or ANY good sci fi series any day....NASCAR & football...heck, the Travel Channel has better programming than soap operas....
Maybe that's why I have always gotten along better with males than with females....I've always wondered, but have NEVER been able to figure that one out.
Wimp.
I'm 5'10", 335 pounds, and incredibly handsome (In a Jabba the Hutt sorta way) not just on the internet, but everywhere...
Uh...hubby and I do that: when I change the roll, it's 'over' and it had better stay that way. When HE does it, it's 'under'...so I simply switch it. We never argued about it...but it appears to be one of those 'things', because it's been happening for years...ah well...not something worth making a fuss over, though it gets on my nerves...I hog the covers and insist on cuddling up to him when he's sweating to death...we all have quirks that get on other people's nerves.
I feel kinda sorry for the guys, AS WELL as us normal women though: the feminazis get a HECKUVALOT more press and air time than any of us could ever hope for....
Normalcy=ordinary=doesn't get ratings or sell books. ANGST does.
Agreed.
Oddly enough, I guess I learned backward. It never occured to me to talk someone else into learning...I just kept messing around off and on until I figured out how to do it for myself...starting with one rule of thumb that I read in a magazine somewhere (good rule too; trust me, I know) DAMP hair. Not wet, or it'll tangle around your fingers, and not dry, because it will turn scraggly in an hour and make you look like you slept in it. When I HAVE tried to teach others (like my daughters) it was without much success. Somehow they do it in reverse, which actually looks kinda cool, but they don't like it. They make ME do it whenever they get the chance.
Hubby learned by watching me do it. He tried to do mine once, but his fingers are way too big....and speaking of long hair, his sister's is so long that it took BOTH of us to French braid it one time...which we'll never do again, 'cause though she looks nice in one, her hair is SOOOOOO long (below the buttocks) that when she swings around real quick, bystanders tend to get strangled by 4 feet of thick rope coming outta nowhere...
You're hubby dies your hair for you?? Cool. I never heard of a man doing that, except for beautician types. While I don't dye mine, from all I've gathered over the years, you're one very lucky woman. Your man sounds like a one in a million catch!
I see compassion is not you're #1 strong suit.
FOFLOL!! (**huggs**) You deserve it, even if you're lying through your teeth and are 6' tall and weigh 100 lbs in real life!
(**very shortly, I'm gonna have a teething, grouchy grandson for the night, and need to glean all the humor and relaxation I can**)
Giant, drunken Americans ain't so bad either. (Married to a 6'8" bouncer)
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