Since I don't want my future children winding up as pregnant teenagers (or causing pregnancies in others), would they actually listen if I told them not to until they were older than 18 and not living in my house? Since they probably wouldn't wait until they were married, it might be wise to ask them to wait for something they might actually wait for. Thoughts?
Sex, sexuality, when elevated when respected, when modest -- are wonderful, delicious, live-awakening, inspiring.
While my youth was many years ago, when I was in high school and college, some kids had sex, some didn't, and as the kids got older and moved from high school to college, the number of virgins dropped precipitously. As far as it goes, it's true that if kids are really determined to have a bit of the old in-out (as Alex put it in A Clockwork Orange, they will find a way.
Where you're wrong, I think, is in thinking you can have no influence over whether they want to have sex or not, how much they want to, and with whom.
By raising kids with sound moral values, who know they are loved, and have real self-respect, you reduce the likelihood that your kids will have sex because they don't feel good about themselves and want someone to love them. You will reduce the likelihood they will have sex because they don't have anything else to do if they're active in school, athletics, music, church or any combination of the above.
None of these things will guarantee you kids won't have sex before marriage. If you're really lucky, your kids will wait until marriage. If your just pretty lucky, they'll wait until they're in a real relationship with another young person who respects them and isn't using them.
In any event, not to try is to increase the likelihood they'll be used by someone who regards them as simply a piece of meat.
I think about this for several different reasons. My brother and his girlfriend (now wife) got pregnant when they were 17. I know he loves his son, but I also know he will regret his choices from now until he dies (because he told me so).
I also watched many of my peers as they went off to college. Most girls made it their life's work to lose their virginity the second they hit campus. The frenzy of promiscuity was striking-- all these "good girls" competing with each other on who could be the biggest slut.
So, what will I do differently?
#1 I won't trust my kids. This was a value that I think is highly over-rated (and most kids will admit that they are able to get away with so much because their parents "trust" them).
They won't have cell phones, beepers, private e-mail, unfiltred access to the Internet until they leave home. They won't have locks on their bedroom doors. They won't be allowed to make or receive phone calls not in a common or family room.
My husband and I firmly agree that the most poisonous aspect of today's teen life is over-reliance on peer groups. We won't allow it. No hanging out at the mall, no sleep overs, no disappearing for hours at someone else's house.
All of this is predicated on the fact that we will be homeschooling and, of course, forgoing daycare in favor of *gasp* me staying home.
The behavior of todays teens is rooted in the fact that they are put in day-care from the time that they are infants, then sent to school, where they are encouraged to embrace a large number of after-school and extra-curricular activities. Most children are not raised by their parents-- they are raised by their friends and by television. As a result, their sexual behavior most resembles that of primitives instead of cultured citizens.
What I have outlined is extreme, but I don't think that you can break the strangle-hold that the American system of child-rearing has on people by anything less. You have to fight it vigorously, not in half measures. I think that there is plenty of evidence that there is no way that you can influence your children and teens once they have been weaned from you onto their peer group, so you must fight it from the very beginning.