Posted on 05/15/2003 12:50:59 PM PDT by WaveThatFlag
Edited on 04/22/2004 11:48:54 PM PDT by Jim Robinson. [history]
A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.
(Excerpt) Read more at online.wsj.com ...
What about taking a walk ---30 minutes to 1 hour every day? Just walking can help with weight gain AND depression.
Not a bad thing in My book. However, I tend to look first for someone of positive moral values, then homemaking and intentions towards the raising of children, then appearance (OK, it seems superficial, but there has to be SOME attraction there). Anything else is icing on the cake. Although a negative attitude towards certain 'recreational' activities would definitely put Me off.
It wasn't me complaining about not getting enough sex because my wife thinks she is neglected.
From a Christian perspective I believe marriage is a three way contract, with God as the principal partner and the man and woman as equal-share minority partners.
Popularity with a particular single man (perhaps even based initially on that 'hmmmn, this lady seems to share a similiar attitude towards that 'one flesh' aspect') might actually be a very good thing - assuming that you and that man also share God's view toward the goal of marriage in general.
Batteries not included, some assembly required, your mileage may vary.
Marriage has been a God-send for me and my wife; hope you are soon similarly blessed.
"Self-imposed?" Self-imposed by whom? Are you still married? If so, who washes, drys, irons, and folds your clothes? Buys the groceries and then cooks for you? Vacuums? Dusts? Mops? Handles the kids? If your wife does any of that, do you "impose" her or does she "impose" herself?
I think what he means is that spending an hour having sex with your spouse is more important to the health of the marriage than spending that hour making the house a bit cleaner.
Thanks. I don't know what he means, but you give him far more credit than I did. Based on his other statements on this thread, I thank God I'm not the one married to him. No doubt he says the same about me. Whatever.
Your (green) statement above is something I agree with 100%, by the way. There are many couples who eventually find themselves on an endless emotional merry-go-round that's very hard to escape. My first marriage was like that, just like a million others are. Unless both individuals are willing to learn and willing to work on the marriage, chances are they'll be endlessly stuck on that vicious circle. It can be vicious, can't it? And in many cases, the one who is able to see there's a BIG problem eventually has to decide whether to stick it out or just move on. (Luckily for me, I didn't have to make that agonizing choice. When I accidentally caught him red-handed in the sack with his girlfriend, he pretty much made the decision for me. :-)
But back to the merry-go-round... What comes first? The woman who resents the hell out of her mate and buries herself in the housework to escape his endless (but quite normal) desire for sexual fulfillment? Or the husband who sits on the couch watching TV, guzzling beer and belching while his wife does all the domestic & child duties every night? Each one resents the other for not giving a rat's hiney about his/her needs. After awhile, the "chicken-or-the-egg" question of "what came first" is beside the point.
In too many cases, the couple ends up divorced because they couldn't find a way to talk to each other and tell the other exactly how they feel. It's sad, really, especially because it can be so preventable and "fixable." Unfortunately, though, it's not enough for just one of them to be willing to change to improve the marriage -- it takes two. It doesn't take two at first, but eventually. That's an important distinction, too. One of them can start making positive changes in self, hoping and praying that the other will reciprocate and become less hostile/resentful and make his/her own changes. Someone has to start or it will never happen. For anyone out there in that situation, my own advice is to put God at the center of the marriage. He can really do some amazing things when you depend on Him for guidance. But I digress...
One last thought... For anyone out there who is willing to listen, FReeping can be a major contributor to being stuck on the merry-go-round, whether we want to admit to it or not. (Ouch, here it comes!) Some people escape the unbearable situation by doing excessive housework. Some people escape by over-eating. Some people escape by working a lot of overtime. Some people escape by guzzling & belching beer with their beloved television. (You all know where this is going, don't you? :-) .....................
And then there are some of us who escape by sitting our fat asses down in front of the computer to talk to people who truly "understand" and "care."
For the record, the only reason I'm sitting here typing right now is because he's not home. LOL!
That's what I was trying to say. I hated to delve into to it too deeply because to some it sounds sanctimonious, but it's true. This is the way I conceptualize it:
That "three-way contract" can be represented by an isoceles triangle, with God at the center, uppermost angle. 
The man & wife are down below at the two remaining angles. The further that each of them climbs up the legs of the triangle to get closer to God, the closer they become to each other.
I had to participate on this thread even if I didn't read it....
What the heck. I suck at math anyway.
LOL! No, but if you're willing to volunteer the part...
;-)
After rereading that, it sounds pretty sanctimonious in itself. Rest assured I'm not preaching to anyone here; I'm just speaking from personal experience.
The only reason I brought it up is so that if anyone out there recognizes himself, maybe he can learn from my mistakes. My marriage stank to high heaven when I hung out here all the time. I won't bore anyone with the juicy details, but suffice it to say that the situation is much more pleasant now.
Now, where's my saran wrap and strawberry glaze? He'll be home soon. ;-)
But not if she gains weight?
A woman can attach all sorts of baggage to the act to the point no man will ever enjoy regular sex with her even when she is married to a complete saint.
Wow, that's quite a leap there. With how many complete saints are you acquainted, to have done such a comprehensive study?
You have just said, "I won't have sex with my husband unless he acts right."
I never said anything of the sort. My husband is a real man, not a boy-brat.
You may have reasonable standard with that statement but some women don't. They are unhappy people attaching a standard of happiness that they are simply incapable of attaining because of their discontented nature, and blame their husband for the results of their own personal failings.
Some women do that. Some men do that. No one should.
Not a bad thing in My book. However, I tend to look first for someone of positive moral values, then homemaking and intentions towards the raising of children, then appearance (OK, it seems superficial, but there has to be SOME attraction there). Anything else is icing on the cake. Although a negative attitude towards certain 'recreational' activities would definitely put Me off.
I have found that most conservatives - those I've met in my life and those I've "met" here on FR, are usually people of high moral values. Some aren't but I guess I don't pay much attention to them. But if I've made any mistakes in my life, it's in not putting God right in the middle of the relationship. I wait too long to find out where they are with God - and then it is a difficult "Sayonara". But trust me, for "recreational activities" - whether that's the stairmaster or bedroom, I do not have any distastes. Quite the opposite.
I'm in the process of moving, so have had to put dating off - when I tell a guy I've just met, and with whom I'm hoping to have some fun, that I'm about to sell my house and move, there doesn't seem to be any incentive to date me again. What ever happened to just having fun with someone who is compatible, for whatever time you have together? Why does everyone start to think about the "long term" and the "relationship" before you can just be friends?
OTOH, I'm hoping that after the move, I'll find lots of new friends in my new home state, Florida, and among them, there might be a special man. I'm the forever optimist.
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