'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

And, if we are all brutally honest, we realize that we KNOW if the other person is Mr or Mrs. Right.... within a very short period of time. If they aren't... it is time to say, "next", with no apologies. Move on to something else.

I also believe that your mate will come to you. If you are meant to be married, you will meet him or her. If not, keep moving on.

A bigger mistake is marrying the wrong person, while letting the right person slip away. Take responsibility for the people that you do associate with, be highly discriminating, and your chances of finding happiness are that much greater.

[watchin]

I understand your frustration, and I commend your willingness to stay in the relationship you've commited to. I've dealt with this issue in my own life, as well as in counseling with many other couples.

The simplistic, blame-the-man answers here are pathetic. There are men reading this now who do their best to be model husbands, in chores, child care, compliments, consideration, etc. and find themselves nearly celibate. Meanwhile, the lazy, fat, hairy, womanizing drunk next door has a great sex life with a wife who can't keep her hands off him.

Let me just offer this observation: the person with the greatest needs is subject to the person with lesser needs. Not very romantic, I know, but true.

Lack of a sex drive puts a woman in a position of power. A strong sex drive makes a man "needy".

If your sex drive is far stronger than your wife's, she's figured out by now - probably without even realizing it - that she can get 75% of the housework done by holding out the "carrot" that things will get better if only ...

There comes a time when a man finally determines that all the effort, all the walking on eggshells, all the efforts to somehow make things work are a waste of time. If you stop trying, what's the worst that could happen? She'll get mad, and you won't get sex?

True unconditional love is virtually impossible over the long-term. When you realize that you get the same results whether you try or not, you stop. It's human nature. Most of us did it as teens - "if I'm gonna get in trouble anyway, I might as well have some fun" or "I tried my best and got an F. I can do that without even trying"

When you stop trying, your wife no longer holds that power. Better yet if you can stifle any outward expression of "neediness". At that point, the likelihood is that there will be a much-needed shift in the power structure of your marriage. That might make things better, since many women seem to be repulsed by a desperate man, and attracted to a strong man.

If it doesn't make you more attractive to your wife, it will, at least, help you maintain some sanity and self-respect.

[stands2reason]

Now that I think of it - we've probably crossed church boundaries as we're still enjoying each other with no possibility of procreation?

Not in Christianity.

[wardaddy]

Yep....once we know we want marriage and all that entails then we ought to be able to discern pretty quickly.

Pan_Yan did well!

I married again(#2) because I wanted to start a family again.

If not for that, I have doubts as to whether I'd have married again but you never know.

[Scothia]

LOL! I love the band practice idea, but quite frankly I wouldn't bring my kids anywhere near that excessively loud noise. It's no good for them to be near Daddy when they'll have no eardrums left afterwards! *grin*

Alternative to the eardrum-splitting idea: The whole family still gets into the band thing. Does he practice in a garage at a buddy's house? Is this buddy married? Do you know the wife? If so, it's easily remedied--henfest in the living room (I did this years ago when my own musician hubby was in a band.) If this is not an option, get a sitter and go yourself. Dress really nice and do a Yoko (well, don't break up the band, but you get the idea.) Get t-shirts made for yourself and the kids with the band's name on it. Have the kids make little posters about Daddy and his guitar or whatever and put them up at home. Tell him you'd like to make a tape for the kids (you can play it at less than painful-decibel level, of course.) The goal is for the family to gather together around what he's doing, not for him to be out there separating himself at every opportunity as if he were still 19.

You might find him resistant to this, as the band might very well be his escape from remembering he is a married father with responsibilities, and he may not want you horning in on it. On the other hand, maybe he's just a guy who loves doing music but is clueless, and would welcome a loving compromise.

The key is to not be threatening about it. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum about the band thing, even if he doesn't really want you involved. I'd save my "big guns" for the more pressing matter--the lounging at Mama's house looking at porn. That is unacceptable, and I hope you stand up to him about it.

[wardaddy]

many women seem to be repulsed by a desperate man, and attracted to a strong man

Yep....even Feminist gals....though they are loathe to admit it.

[Scothia]

**sexual congress
Two words that, were the world perfect, would never appear together.**

That just brought up a series of very unpleasant images.

So that's what those Texas Dems are up to in that motel in Oklahoma. I am just soooo naive.

[The Toll]

Watchin, I am currently dealing with this and I have been married now for 6 years. I think your comments have been a big help and have accurately expressed many of my own thoughts.
I am having one heck of a time staying faithful and things are at the very edge at this point. I thank you for your insight.

[stands2reason]

Do not think that women are the only ones who hold out on sex.

AMEN!!!!

[hopespringseternal]

All this emphasis on sex is causing people to lose their sexuality.

Women have been taught for a long time that sexual pleasure was forbidden to them, and that sex was their "job."

Catholicism, Victorianism, and now feminism (although somewhat obliquely) take this angle. A lot of the focus on female sexuality, specifically stuff like Cosmo, is about women using sex to get what they want, not about wanting sex.

That is why it is so public. If it is about pleasing yourself, and it isn't a job, you don't have to advertise it to the world. If sex is about getting what you want, advertising it is just good business.

The challenge for most husbands is convincing a woman to like sex just for its own sake, and stop using it as a power play.

[hopespringseternal]

Wise words.

Women are trained to be this way, to use sex to get what they want. The truth is they are cheating themselves out of the joy of sex as much as their suffering husbands.

[stands2reason]

If she can't have sex, it gets easier to not have sex.

BULL$#it. Quote any source.

[judicial meanz]

Quote:

"And, if we are all brutally honest, we realize that we KNOW if the other person is Mr or Mrs. Right.... within a very short period of time"

Answer:

We know you have good taste and excellent ability to choose the right person. You married a bubblehead!


(Former Submariner)

[Scothia]

A church is a great place to find a good woman. I would have never believed that as a young man.

Or, as my old pastor used to say, "Ya don't go fishin' in a mud puddle."

When my wife and I go to services here in Nashville....lol...I have to make my eyes behave.

Which is why I tell my beautiful 17 year-old daughter not to wear halter tops to church. Hard enough for the guys to keep their minds on what they're supposed to be there for. :-)

[Scothia]

Women are trained to be this way, to use sex to get what they want.

Well, I'm a woman, and no one ever taught me that, Sir; nor is my daughter taught that. Nor was any woman I know. What a broad, sweeping statement. How would you like my saying "Men are trained to only think with their genitals"?

The truth is they are cheating themselves out of the joy of sex as much as their suffering husbands.

It's immensely joyful with a loving husband. With a demanding boy-brat who can't think past his own wants, that's another matter.

[stands2reason]

Just once a week?

When I was young, I thought that being married meant you did it every night. LOL!!! I know....

[wardaddy]

Wow ...G-d bless you. I just perused your homepage...whew!

...that's all I can say.

[stands2reason]

He says I'm just jealous that he gets more free time than I do

And why should he? He's the one keeping you from having "free time."

[Scothia]

Thank you so much for the compliment, wardaddy. Coming from you, it is meaningful.

[stands2reason]

"this is what happens when you have kids"

That's you having children, right, not him. He doesn't have any children?!?