'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[WaveThatFlag]

A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

[judicial meanz]

She has seen a Ppychiatrist, and it has helped some, but she hasnt stabilized yet. It will take a lot of time to do so.



Thank you for your kind words. I surely apppreciate them.

[Aquinasfan]

Bump....but men and women "express" differently. Women like to be heard. Men want to talk about resolution.

That's the truth... Can we skip the hysteria stage and proceed to the solution?

[RMDupree]

Yessir. I hear ya!

[Aliska]

You sound very jaded and cynical about the natural dynamics between guys and gals.

Maybe I am because I am older now. Yes, I am cynical.

The best relationships start out as friendships which deepen into love. When you throw sex into the mix too soon, sometimes that's all you get. I always wanted more than that.

Look at all these desperate people on the internet looking for sex . . . and hoping to find true love (as if they would know what it is or even want it). All the dating services. The newspapers have pages of people looking for someone. What the hell is the matter with us?

[goodnesswins]

LOL....in my marriage it's WHOSE fault is IT first? We laugh now about it, but that's how my husband was raised....whose fault is it first, then look for resolution. I've finally learned to say everything is MY fault....and then we get to resolution really fast. Laughing of course.

[jellybean]

Indulging in a night of real romance, starts with the intoxicating aroma of food.

Having just emerged from a very frustrating, lonely invovlement, it would take much more than just the aroma of food to spark my interest again.

[Go Gordon]

but when you marry you're cut off from any alternative if the spouse doesn't hold up their end.

Be careful, I think that stuff is still illegal in 18 states.

[Aquinasfan]

Everybody else is enough to make me high-tail it for the hills though.

Not like what you see on TV, is it?

I could talk about my sister's pathological husband who she's in the process of divorcing, but I don't think it would help.

[Aquinasfan]

Do you have any kids? They give new meaning to exhaustion!

Doesn't affect men in the slightest. We're like the Minutemen, ready to go in a moment's notice.

[DeathfromBelow]

Want to find a good man, you'll have better prospects in church than a bar. And I can tell you some women dress sexier in church than in a bar. Playboy is only now beginning to see that if some of it is covered up, it is sexier.

Don't assume though that because he is in church he is a good catch, get to know him then decide.

[Aquinasfan]

#577 good post.

[justshutupandtakeit]

My late wife was the light of my life. Any man who has had such love has not lived in vain. Bless you and yours.

[wardaddy]

Old...are you middle aged or something...even older?

That probably is an appropriate course for someone older and looking to avoid getting hurt. Be friends first.

But, for me....I have never done that. The sexual attraction is my first motivation and hopefully I'll find that there is more to be attracted to.

If I were single and friends with a girl I was attracted to...I'm gonna take the plunge and deal with the rejection if it happens.

It's not just guys who think like that. My wife tells me she could tell withing 30 seconds of meeting a guy if she would ever sleep with him if everything else fell together.

Your idea is prudent I know but it's just alien to me....and I have a lot of women friends...some of whom are indeed attractive but I'm very married so my perspective is simply one of admiration.

All this dog and pony show between guys and gals get SO MUCH easier as you get say past 30 or so....in my book. Most folks know what they want by then and are ready for it and don't want to waste time.

No girl should move in with a guy (religious considerations aside) unless there is a ring on her finger and a tentative date set. Anything else is just playing house.

[Aquinasfan]

"this is what happens when you have kids".

It's well past time for hubby to grow up. I wish I had some fix for you.

The only thing I can think of is to stop "enabling" him in any way. I don't think punishing him by witholding sex is the way to go. I think it would be better to leave his laundry in the hamper, go away yourself for a weekend, etc.

[justshutupandtakeit]

I have seen them.

[Aliska]

I'm not looking for anyone any more. And I'm not good at giving advice because people want to make their own mistakes.

I know a younger girl who has several things going against her and it is really hard to listen to her wishing to find someone. She is probably better off single, but when you have hopes and dreams like that, it is impossible to give them up.

[wardaddy]

A church is a great place to find a good woman. I would have never believed that as a young man.

When my wife and I go to services here in Nashville....lol...I have to make my eyes behave.

Tans and sundresses....and usually good fairly conservative minds...what more could you ask for?

[k2blader]

Look at all these desperate people on the internet looking for sex . . . and hoping to find true love (as if they would know what it is or even want it). All the dating services. The newspapers have pages of people looking for someone. What the hell is the matter with us?

I think it's ultimately a spiritual problem.

A while back I was reading an article which claimed the greatest human need in life is to be appreciated. I tend to agree. People seek out appreciation from each other, often in the strangest of ways. Sex is just one of those ways.

However, it never ceases to puzzle me why some prefer to pursue such fleeting fleshly adequacy over an infinitely satisfying relationship with a personal Savior.

[af_vet_rr]

Look at all these desperate people on the internet looking for sex . . . and hoping to find true love (as if they would know what it is or even want it). All the dating services. The newspapers have pages of people looking for someone. What the hell is the matter with us?

I'll take a guess on this one :

People have always been looking for someone. Society has changed though. Many don't live around friends and family, they don't know many others in their community that can help them, so they have to figure out another way to meet the right person.

Those of us who are older, how many of us met our spouses through family or friends when we were young, or through some kind of community gathering. The last thing a single person may want to do is meet up with an unknown variable.

People are forced to use the personal ads, the internet, etc. trying to find somebody they can match up with, because they don't have a parent or an aunt or uncle or the family friends down the road who can say "Oh, I know just the person for you".

Just a guess. I don't see a problem with somebody taking out a personal ad or whatever, I feel some sympathy for them, that they don't have somebody who can introduce them to somebody that they maybe compatible with.

[stands2reason]

Ever try holding a woman to that?

You know, it ain't always the woman...