'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER

[wardaddy]

Nice!

[GretchenEE]

FYI to anyone reading this who fits the author's profile: I believe this to be the best answer to the underlying problems addressed in the article. http://www.theophostic.com

I truly hope it helps someone.

Dr. Ed Smith's Christian ministry works for any problem, no matter how long-standing or stubborn it's been. It also works for anyone regardless of his or her level of faith, or total lack of it.

After developing this method, Dr. Smith no longer does marriage counseling. Instead, he works with the client to get to the root pain in the individual's life that is being triggered within a marriage. Once the initial conflicts are addressed, and the root pain removed (actually removed) the present-day issues disappear without a need for the endless, ineffective attempts to fix them. It's getting past picking the fluff off of dandelions, and getting out the thing at its root.

[Dianna]

There is a claim that viagara also will increase bloodflow to a woman's sensitive areas...

At $10 per, I think I'd rather smile and fake it! Now, if it would fix my hair problem...

[I_dmc]

Wonder if more and more of us working longer and longer days has much to do with this (often without compensation)?

[Scothia]

I only retreat to hyperbole when dealing with pontificating idiots.
O2

As you may have figured out by now, this man is very bitter towards any female who does not bow to his superior wit and wisdom.

I have been married for 28 years to an incredible man who does not feel the need to tear women (or other men, for that matter) down in order to build himself up. They do exist.

[Scothia]

I am not bringing my wife on my annual golf vacation with 20+ of my buddies. Sorry. Is NEVER going to happen.

LOL! And does your wife get to leave on an annual shopping vacation with 20+ of her female friends?

[Scothia]

Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your posts, wardaddy. Your wife is a very lucky lady.

[honeygrl]

How about the When-I-even-think-of-sex-one-of-the-kids-cries-in-the-next-room Syndrome? And If-the-kids-are-away-all-I-want-is-a-nap Syndrome? Are there therapists to fix those? I fear that even when they are old enough to go off to camp for a week, I won't get my energy back enough to think of sex until the week is already over.

[Scothia]

I read your story and was very moved by your suffering. You truly sound like one of the good guys, and I am sorry you had to go through this. I don't know if your wife went nuts because of postpartum hormonal wackiness, or she just took advantage of you...I guess in the long run, the whys don't matter as much as the fact that it happened at all. There are no good answers sometimes. I really hope you have found some happiness after this awful experience, and that you and your daughter have a good relationship.

[honeygrl]

"He had 4 wives and 23 children. "

Wow, he must have made real good money to keep up 23 kids! Just the thought of that many kids makes me tired.

[honeygrl]

"My dad...a great father never changed a diaper...but my mom had maids..lol "

My hubby's dad never did diapers either. He's a great dad though but in his house there was woman's work and man's work. Babies were not man's work. My hubby's mom though shared those ideas and both were/are happy the way it is. They've been married around 40 yrs now and still hug and hold hands. Now my poor hubby grew up with that being the norm in his house and was in for a real shock when he ended up with little me who is horrible at housework! I'm getting better at it though slowly and do agree that since he works then I should keep up the house and kids. The kids part I've gotten down pat but the cleaning part I'm still working on. He's patient though and realizes that I grew up with a mom who wore the pants in the house and a dad who did most of the housework. He's also waited until he was 31 marry someone to have kids with (his parents did it at 17) so he enjoys every minute of the babystuff and even does diapers occationally. It surprises me considering that his personality is identical to his dad. I can look at his dad and know that's exactly what he'll be like when he gets older. His mom and I get along so well too because we practically married the same man.

[honeygrl]

"Sometimes but not always. Women have infinitely more sexual power than men if they are uninhibited and comfortable.....way way way more. And some women just like to have sex for fun....even with men they love..lol It's not always poetry."

Totally agree with you on that! (in fact I agree with you on just about everything I think, even on other threads)

[Woahhs]

Most women seem to have a need for emotional "connection" in order to have enjoyable sex. A much smaller percentage of men have that need. For a large percentage of men, emotional connection is a bonus, but not a prerequisite, to enjoyable sex. For a large percentage of men, it is not necessary to be in love with a woman, or even particularly like her, in order to enjoy having sex with her

My only disagreement with your statement is you make this "emotional connection" sound like something that isn't subjective. (Respect me in the morning syndrome)

Also note how women try convincing men (with a high degree of success, using their generally superior verbal skills, I might add) that "their" view of intimacy is somehow superior to the man's view of sex, and MUST be deferred to.

[honeygrl]

"There is a claim that viagara also will increase bloodflow to a woman's sensitive areas...

Offered respectfully. "

A couple friends of mine (onemale, one female) were going to test that out once and even had a doctor friend who was going to give them each an Rx for the pill just to see what happened but I think they both chickened out.

[SauronOfMordor]

As someone said earlier...sex is more important to the marriage than many of those self-imposed chores. "Self-imposed?" Self-imposed by whom? Are you still married? If so, who washes, drys, irons, and folds your clothes? Buys the groceries and then cooks for you? Vacuums? Dusts? Mops? Handles the kids? If your wife does any of that, do you "impose" her or does she "impose" herself?

I think what he means is that spending an hour having sex with your spouse is more important to the health of the marriage than spending that hour making the house a bit cleaner

[hellinahandcart]

I'm asking this question to you and to all the men. Why would you want a woman to "consent" to sex if she didn't really want to have sex with you?

Not "a woman", his wife. And he doesn't really want her to "consent when she doesn't want it"---he wants her to want it. That is what makes him feel loved.

Pretty simple concept. Flies right over the heads of a lot of women, though. The man's sexual interest in her was an essential part of the romance, before the marriage; whether she realizes it or not, it is also a major part of what made *her* feel loved.

Ironically, when a woman who is no longer interested in sex gets her way, and the begging, wheedling, and cajoling for lovemaking finally stop altogether-- she'll die on the vine a lot faster than he will. And her resentment may be even greater than his.

I am a woman, btw, so please don't tell me I know zip about female sexuality.

[hellinahandcart]

My ex-sister-in-law has never remarried (no one out there is as unlucky/dumb as my brother was, apparently), but gee whiz, I'm starting to think she has a secret twin. Your tale of woe is eerily similar to his, except that he had two boys he cared for nearly single-handedly.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

This is a Friday night thread......it just got a kick-start on Thursday.......lol

Rush I KNOW you will add some Georgia wisdom to this thread........ Jersey and I may have to just sit back and learn somethin'.....

[hellinahandcart]

I need some inspiration! Please! Just a teeny tiny bit!

Can you get his mother on your side, or is she the one who "created the monster" in the first place? Just athought. But since she may or may not be any help, here's a teeny tiny bit:

Your kids are going to be old enough to wash themselves and do their own chores eventually. In the meantime, you need to reduce your exhaustion level before you can even evaluate your marriage properly (even if you opt for divorce, your workload is going to stay roughly the same). If something has to go, I say let it be cleaning. Do the bare minimum, and I do mean the bare minimum. Don't even waste time picking up the toys. They're just going to be out again tomorrow, you know.

A clean living space used to be frightfully important to me. Being a full-time working artist was also frightfully important to me. The problem was that I also had a full-time job and was trying to paint in the off hours and days. I finally realized I was never going to get anywhere trying to do everything perfectly. I now vacuum once weekly, and dust quarterly (I wipe the dust off the TV screen a little more often than that, but you get the idea). I really got past the need to wash the dishes as soon as I'd finished swallowing my food. In the grand scheme of things, and in the time scheme of things, it really makes no difference whether I wash that dish right after eating dinner, or right before I need it again to make or serve dinner. So if you're tired after dinner, learn to look past the dishes in the sink and not see them.

You can hire someone to come in once a week and do the big jobs like bathrooms and floors, for less money than you'd think. I'd do that too, except that since I am now a full-time artist I don't have any money to speak of. :P

The biggest time-waster in the entire world is ironing. I hope you're not doing *any* of that.

[ricpic]

A few bucks on the pillow might help. Or is that too crude?