Telemarketer reveals tricks of trade

MSNBC ^ | April 21, 2003 | Bob Sullivan

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

Perhaps you're right. I didn't bother. I only went by what is above and personal experience.

[VetoBill]

I told a telemarketer once I was currently in an armed standoff with the state police and asked if his company did any direct marketing for a good legal agency... I was in great need of good legal advice.

Other times when I am in no mood for long calls, and I suspect the caller is a telemarketer, I just answer the phone, "Hello. This is Pizza Hut! Take out or Delivery?" That usually stops the call dead ASAP

[rickmichaels]

I loath stupid, useless people (especially government parasites) who think they have some kind of mystical power over my life.

You've described the DemonRats to a T.

[jjm2111]

I love critiquing sales calls because I have to make them for my business.

[Ditter]

LOL That is great! My husband sometimes tries to sell THEM something. Like he tells them he raises dogs for food & tries to sell them some Golden Retriever steaks.

[Ditter]

My new cell # that I got last year had belonged to a girl named Cinnimon Davis. I got calls from her boyfriends day & night for a year. If I had been clever I could have told them she wasn't here because she had gone to the VD clinic for treatment. Lost opportunity. Some guy calls our house in the middle of the night & day asking for Lisa now. I think the next time he calls I'll have a good story for him about Lisa'a whereabouts. HA!

[jjm2111]

When telemarketers call, my brother always pretended to be slightly retarted and feigned interest in the product. Then he would ask the solicitor dumb questions over and over to spell the name of the product, spell the name of the company, ask what the product does, etc. until the caller got so exasperated he/she hung up.

I always asked for ludicrous applications of whatever the person was selling. Siding? I wanted my home to look like an Egyptian pyramid "Can you do that?" Security. I want trip wires and a fifteen foot tall concrete wall. Then hang up.

Another time I was on the phone and the call waiting beeped and it was a telemarketer she said in with false cheeriness, "Hellooo!!!" and I replied, "Goodbye!!!!" and switched the call back. She actually called back and said, "How dare you hang up on me!". I said to her, "Watch me do it again." and hung up.

[AppyPappy]

Caller: Hello is this Mr Ingram
Me: Yes. Who is this?
Caller: This is Paul and I cam calling for...
Me: Paul, do you know Jesus as your personal Savior?
Caller: [pause] Uhh. yes I do.
Me: Great. That means I'll see you in Heaven. Have a great day, Paul

(click)

Pretty much every telemarketer gets a chance to hear about Jesus when they call me.

[AppyPappy]

We used to get calls for a preacher. One day my dad told the caller that Reverend Ike had just left for the liquor store.

[phil1750]

So far today I've had three telemarketing calls at the business I own. I always use the same line. "What company are you representing?". When they tell me, I say,"Oh, I'd NEVER do business with that company." They then ask why, and I give them the obvious answer, "BECAUSE THAT COMPANY TELEMARKETS."

[jjm2111]

Also one fun trick is to return direct mailers business reply enevolpes with crap from the food crap, old coffee grounds, etc. Really evil.

[Mannaggia l'America]

You reply with a simple “yes” to eight or nine rapid-fire questions.

This wouldn't happen with me. When someone I don't know starts asking me questions over the phone, my answers are always "no", "no", "no".

[Junior]

I let my answering machine pick up. Everyone who knows me knows that if they start talking and I'm there I'll pick the phone up if I recognize who is calling. Otherwise, they talk to the machine.

[FourPeas]

If I have some time, I prefer to toy with them. I kept a guy on the phone for a full ten minutes a few days ago asking him questions about the security system he was offering to put in my home for "free". We already have one; Mr. FourPeas used to work in the security industry. I had him assuring me that he could send over a female technician, that their lawn sign was a "pretty color", and trying explain to me how it wasn't a privacy issue that they would put a microphone in the home so they could hear an intruder if the alarm went off. It was great fun. Of course, folding laundry *does* get boring sometimes.

Today while unloading the dishwasher, I toyed with a some foreign-sounding dude who wanted us to refinance with him. I had him repeating everything at least twice because he was hard to understand. I even got a lesson on equity from him after I played the stupid housewife.

My goal is to waste as much time of theirs as possible.

[Ditter]

I just had a call from a telemarketer 30 seconds ago. I am armed with all these great comebacks & it was a recording. Just Damn! LOL

[Charles Martel]

I just answer the phone, "Hello. This is Pizza Hut! Take out or Delivery?" That usually stops the call dead ASAP.

On occasion, I still use one of my grandfather's anti-prank call salutations: "Seventh Precinct, Sergeant O'Malley speakin'..." :^)

[wordsofearnest]

"Kelly's meat market, you can beat our prices but you can't beat our meat."

[Tunehead54]

My standard answer. "This is a restricted line. No incoming calls will be taken without prior arrangement."

---

When a call comes in with a blocked number I like to say:

"CIA. This line is secure ... tracing enabled. Go!"

For some reason they always hang up. ;-)

In San Diego (long ago) when calling any military installation it was always "Uninteligible ... non-secure line ... unintelligible ... sir? - Its where I got the idea ...

[Eagle Eye]

Male or female, I ask them what they are wearing and if they feel sexy in it.

Talk about interrupting their concentration!

[N. Theknow]

Fortunately, but ONLY in this instance, my business is in Connecticut. Connecticut has had a "Do Not Call List" in effect for about three years now.

Whenever any telemarketer calls and starts with his spiel, I say:

"May I have your name please."

This throws him off guard as he does not have this on the programmed dialog sheet in front of him, but he gives me his name. Let's say his name is Bill Williams.

"May I have the name of your company please?"

Again this throws him into an area of uncertainty as he has not been taught what to do in this case. Let's say the company name is ABC Services.

"May I have your company's address and telephone number please?"

Thrown completely for a loop and working for straight commission, he obligingly but grudgingly gives me the information. Let's say the address is 100 Main st. Phila, PA with a phone number of 215-555-1111.

Then I drop the guillotine.

"Well, Bill Williams with ABC Services at 100 Main St. in Phila., PA, phone number 215-555-1111 this just is not your day.

You see Bill Williams with ABC Services of 100 Main St. in Phila., PA, phone number 215-555-1111; Connecticut has a "Do Not Call List" and this number has been on that list for 3 years now. And the penalty for calling this number and trying to sell me something has just cost Bill Williams of ABC Services at 100 Main St. in Phila., PA, phone number 215-555-1111 the grand sum of $10,000.00.

Thank you very much for calling because I get a 25% reward! (I don't really but it helps explain my laughing when he starts fumbling and bumbling.)

Then the glorious sound one usually never experiences when dealing with a telemarketer, as they NEVER hang up and know you won't hang up either (which is their greatest weapon as we are taught at a very early age that hanging up on someone is very rude)....

Click.....BZZZZZZZZZ....

Hello, Bill?.....Bill?....Are you there Bill?

This works so well, I use it on any phone, anytime, anywhere.

I used it at my daughter's house in South Carolina last Christmas when I was baby-sitting my Granddog and Grandcat. SC didn't have such a list then but it sure threw the guy for a loop. Felt like I was holding up a cross to Dracula.

My Son-in-law has a new found admiration for me now.