Pentagon Announces New Weapon in War on Terror (Cuts Down on Civilian Deaths)

The Lemon ^ | 4/20/03 | The Lemon

[NYC Republican]

New "Nerf" Bomb Promises to be Most Harmless Bomb Ever Deployed

The new "Nerf" warhead can strike targets without damaging them.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Despite strenuous efforts to avoid civilian casualties, and even the use of non-exploding "concrete bombs", coalition forces still suffered criticism from other nations for those that were killed while liberating Iraq. To avoid this in the future, Pentagon officials today announced the latest weapon in the war on terror - the new "NESO" bomb.

NESO, which stands for Non-Explosive Safety Ordnance, is the latest advance in the race to develop weapons that will not piss off the UN when used by America. The bombs have a precision guidance system attached to a safe, sponge-like nose. This allows the bomb to be launched from miles away and still hit a target as small as an automobile, where it will then bounce off without harming anyone or causing any damage.

The UN Human Rights Commission quickly dismissed the weapon as "indiscriminate" and "excessive". Said one official, "What if some small child were to hear the American jets passing overhead and look up just as one of these horrible weapons came down. It could put someone's eye out."

The Pentagon has acknowledged this was a slim but possible scenario when using the new weapon. They were quick to stress that, "This is a war, and sometimes people get hurt in war." To deal with this risk, the next generation of NESO bombs are expected to have small parachutes that deploy shortly before impact, slowing the bomb down to safe speeds.

Other nations have derided the bombs, suggesting that they were simply a PR effort on the part of the United States to draw attention away from their other wartime excesses. Said French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin, "If they [coalition forces] truly cared about public safety, they would mark off an area targeted for bombing with warning signs and traffic barriers, to urge citizens to keep away during the attack."

US officials expect to deploy the bomb in late 2003. It has also been revealed that, pending the success of the NESO, they will be negotiating with Hasbro to acquire the Nerf "Super Soaker" squirt gun technology for use by ground forces

[NYC Republican]

Cute article, spoofing the media's constant focus on the (inevitable, unavoidable) civilian casualties during the war...

Found, courtesy of www.polipundit.com

[Coop]

Spoof? You mean this isn't legit?

[mtbopfuyn]

Naw, this will be the very thing Gore will pounce on for his next run. He'll find the green and blue ones hazardous to babies and animals if eaten. You can't have yellow ones because it would be too indistinguishable with MREs. Not to mention birds will tangle in the parachute strings. How soon will they biodegrade or will they fill up landfills for eons? Nope, very, very bad idea. ;-)

[NYC Republican]

Great post... Hysterical.

[Yo-Yo]

Maybe we can just get the Army to play paintball next time. No, on second thought, you could put an eye out...

[RaceBannon]

Am I logged on??


First, Safer Bullets!

Now, Safer Bombs!!

Jocylen Elders would be proud!!

[LurkedLongEnough]

ping

[WOSG]

Indeed, Liberals cannot be satifized, they are themselves a self-parody, for example:

"We need safer bullets" --- Clinton's Surgeon General, whatshername, that whacked out Arkansas black women who was fired for encouraging kids to ... oh never mind!

[green team 1999]

a new cluster bomb will drop thousands of marshmallows raining on top of the enemy,the shock will incapacitate the troops,and if they eat too many marshmallows will get sick.

[CROSSHIGHWAYMAN]

I've been loading up with the stock .......TASR.....

record earnings.....good-looking chart.....safer product.....the future of law enforcement?

[trebb]

Why not - during Nam, they were hanging our guys up and skinning them alive. And the world decide that our M-16 loads violated the Geneva Convention as a cruel weapon...

[LisaFab]

As Jocylen once said, "You know, we're all gonna die from some darn thing someday!"

Thanks for the ping.

[Dubya]

Thanks for the ping.