An open letter to a brazen liar

Miami Herald ^ | April 21, 2003 | Leonard Pitts

[Cincinatus' Wife]

You're dead. Yeah, right. Tell me another one.

Two Iranian newspapers are reporting that you've committed suicide, but I don't buy it. I'll bet these words find you on the balcony of some chalet in the south of France, sipping something tall and cool while cursing the infidels.

You may not know it, Mohammed -- may I call you Mohammed? -- but you were one of the few things that made the late unpleasantness in Iraq bearable for us Americans. As the war dragged on, as we sank from the innocent optimism of the early days to the despair and doubt of three days later, it was only your daily press briefings as Iraq's minister of information that kept us going.

We'll always be grateful for that, Mohammed, always remember you as you were in your heyday. A beret cocked upon your manly head, a twinkle flickering in your lovely eyes, bovine excreta spewing from your lying mouth. Mohammed, you had an indifference toward truth that was downright awe-inspiring.

It was you who claimed U.S. troops had ''started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad.'' This, as your soldiers were showing a level of resistance usually associated with bugs and windshields.

You told us the Americans were not even within a hundred miles of Baghdad. U.S. Marines were relieving themselves in the VIP lounge of the local airport at the time.

Then, of course, there's your memorable declaration that ''There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!''; while behind you, smoke was rising over downtown Baghdad.

No one has seen you since April 9, when an American reporter asked about the imminent arrival of U.S. forces and you said -- this is vintage you -- ``I now inform you that you are too far from reality.''

You were not simply a liar, Mohammed. You were to the art of deception what Jordan was to basketball, what Hawking is to science, what Springer is to trash television -- a talent of such boldness, originality and vision that nobody else compares.

And I'm supposed to believe you'd be such a barbarian as to deprive the world of that gift? By taking your own life, yet? No way. Committing suicide would suggest you felt a certain shame. And the capacity for shame is, to say the least, inconsistent with my image of you.

You need to stop lying about dying and take a look at the big picture. You may not realize it, baby, but you're big over here.

There's a company selling a Mohammed doll. Your image adorns mugs, barbecue aprons and mouse pads. You've even got your own website (www.WeLoveTheIraqiInformationMinister.com), which speculates on how you might have spun some of history's most famous battles.

(``General Pickett's charge, God be praised, was a great victory. The Union infidels -- as usual -- were all slaughtered and General Pickett is now only hours away from Philadelphia, God willing.'')

Nobody appreciates a good liar like America. That's why -- don't laugh -- you need to get on over here. Granted, there might be some messiness, military tribunals and the like. But with a sharp defense attorney, that should be no problem. I'm thinking Johnnie Cochran.

There'd be a book deal, of course. A TV movie. A little face time with Dave, Jay and Katie.

After that, it's wide open. For a man of your talents, there'd be no shortage of career options. I can see you selling houses. (''The airport flight pattern does not go over this house. It is another infidel lie.'') Or running a Fortune 500 company. (''Our earnings will set yet another record this year. You must all buy more stock. Allah be praised.'') Or even holding high office. (``I did not have sexual relations with that woman. May God roast her stomach in hell.'')

As you can see, Mohammed, the possibilities are endless. Unless, of course, you're really, truly . . . dead.

Hee hee. Yeah, sure you are.

I do so love to watch an artist at work.

[Cincinatus' Wife]

I guess this explains eight years of Clinton.

[goldstategop]

Baghdad Bob is the Bob Hope of the Middle East. Every 10 years he should get to appear in an Exxon TV special.

[Cincinatus' Wife]

While the U.S. led war for Irai freedom is studied for generations to come, Bagdad Bob's work will be taught in Democrat spin workshops.

[Cincinatus' Wife]

Iraqi

[paulklenk]

You may not know it, Mohammed -- may I call you Mohammed?

If I were speaking to him in French or Spanish, I would definitely feel comfortable using the familiar "tu" form. "Usted" would be too formal.

[listenhillary]

Clinton Liebrary tour guide = perfect fit

[jammer]

I can see him as the anchor for CBS or ABC.

[The Wizard]

I thought this was to the times

[ricpic]

"As the war dragged on, as we sank from the innocent optimism of the early days to the despair and doubt of three days later...."

War dragged on? Despair and doubt? What planet do these "reporters" come from?

[lysie]

Ping.

[Freebird Forever]

You were to the art of deception what Jordan was to basketball, what Hawking is to science, what Springer is to trash television -- a talent of such boldness, originality and vision that nobody else compares.

......more like the art of denial

[anniegetyourgun]

Contemplate this....not only were the Al-Jazeera-watching-Arabs buying this guys lies, but so were some leftists in this country.

[arkady_renko]

No thanks. He was as evil as all of the other enablers. I'll pass on the canonization for this jerk.

A_R

[Use It Or Lose It]

Perhaps someone could enlighten me as to why Baghdad Bob's countenance never appeared in the deck of 55. The folks at Centcom had to know where this bozo was at all times; it was said our special ops had infiltrated the press in Baghdad and were probably within inches of him whenever he appeared on camera. Seems strange.

[bert]

Bagdad Bob is alive and well.

He was snapped up to do the first draft of the Clinton Memoirs. When that project is concluded, he will begin a series of seminars for the various leadership cells of the DNC on how to expand untruth into acceptable and palatable presentation for broadcast by ABCNBCCBSCNN and dessimination as Postaganda.

[sarasota]

I think it was because he is not considered a threat. He was just a pathetic mouthpiece, a puppet like the rest but without a place in the regime. I see he's married to a Kurd and rumor has it that they're protecting him.

[sadimgnik]

"As the war dragged on, as we sank from the innocent optimism of the early days to the despair and doubt of three days later...."

War dragged on? Despair and doubt? What planet do these "reporters" come from?

---

[sigh]


i·ro·ny
The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.

An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.

A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms at wit.




I know that irony is a slippery little sucker ... but why is it that so many people can't seem to recognise it when it bites them on the derriere?

A quick scan of this article shows it is dripping with irony ... so why should it suddenly go 'literal' - and then return to irony?

Hint: it didn't. The "despair and doubt of three days later" was juxtaposed with "the innocent optimism early days".

To quote Foghorn Leghorn, "Its a Joke, I say it's a joke, son!"



Sadim

[ricpic]

You may well be right. But consider the source. I kinda doubt he wrote those comments ironically. Never underestimate the true believer stupidity of your average dumb as a stump liberal reporter.

[Formermasslurker]

Did you read the whole article or did you stop at that line? He ends the piece by compairing him to Clinton. No Liberal would portray thier hero Billy like that.

[pgyanke]

I kinda doubt he wrote those comments ironically. Never underestimate the true believer stupidity of your average dumb as a stump...

Kind of says it all, really.