Making children more confident in approaching adults, has actually made them less so

Jewish World Review ^ | March 6, 2003 | Betsy Hart

[SJackson]

Supposedly there used to be a saying, "children should only speak to adults when spoken to." But actually, according to sociologist Kay Hymowitz, that's something of an overstatement, at least in the United States.

Author of "Ready or Not: Why Treating Children as Small Adults Endangers Their Future - and Ours," Hymowitz explains that children have always been more independent here than in other countries. Even a century and a half ago visitors to the United States were regularly "appalled" at how American children, full of curiosity and vitality, so easily approached adults from overseas, peppering them with questions and conversation.

But, whatever the past tradition, these days it seems children don't speak to adults even when they are spoken to by them. If anything, it's the adults who are seen and not heard. I'm used to children who don't bother to say hello, look into my eyes, or respond to me when spoken to in any fashion polite or otherwise. I'm amazed at how even a neighborhood child playing in my home might ignore me, suggesting I possess no authority whatsoever. (Such a child changes his ways, at least while he's here, or he's not invited back.)

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A shrug of the shoulders and a mumbled "I don't know" passes for polite conversation from little ones.

Too bad. America's efforts in recent decades to make things "more egalitarian" between adults and children, perhaps in the hopes of making children more confident in approaching adults, has actually made them less so.

I recently noticed a child in my own first grader's class who was unusual. When I visited for lunch one day, he not only chatted and responded to me respectfully, but confidently drew me out and engaged me. That kind of confidence and those manners are learned. In fact one of the wonderful things about manners, says Hymowitz, is it gives a child something to "fall back on" in approaching others. Anyway, observing such manners in this young child made me redouble my efforts in my own home.

It's not just that kids need to learn "yes, please" "no thank you" and to look into the eyes of the person they are speaking to. It's not enough for a child to respect the particular authority held by the adults in his life, nor is it just forms for the sake of them. Though those are all good starts, engaging with others and showing interest in them, and with proper manners and respect, shows that one cares about the persons he's addressing.

And being able to do so with adults in particular can give a child a confidence he'll have for a lifetime.

So, back to the Hart household. My husband and I felt that our children weren't growing in that confidence - shall we say - as much as we would like.

What to do when you're swimming upstream? Have a good swim. In this case, role playing.

[William Terrell]

The full article.

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Making children more confident in approaching adults, has actually made them less so

Jewish World Review March 6, 2003 / 2 Adar II, 5763
Betsy Hart

Author of "Ready or Not: Why Treating Children as Small Adults Endangers Their Future - and Ours," Hymowitz explains that children have always been more independent here than in other countries. Even a century and a half ago visitors to the United States were regularly "appalled" at how American children, full of curiosity and vitality, so easily approached adults from overseas, peppering them with questions and conversation.

But, whatever the past tradition, these days it seems children don't speak to adults even when they are spoken to by them. If anything, it's the adults who are seen and not heard. I'm used to children who don't bother to say hello, look into my eyes, or respond to me when spoken to in any fashion polite or otherwise. I'm amazed at how even a neighborhood child playing in my home might ignore me, suggesting I possess no authority whatsoever. (Such a child changes his ways, at least while he's here, or he's not invited back.)

A shrug of the shoulders and a mumbled "I don't know" passes for polite conversation from little ones.

Too bad. America's efforts in recent decades to make things "more egalitarian" between adults and children, perhaps in the hopes of making children more confident in approaching adults, has actually made them less so.

I recently noticed a child in my own first grader's class who was unusual. When I visited for lunch one day, he not only chatted and responded to me respectfully, but confidently drew me out and engaged me. That kind of confidence and those manners are learned. In fact one of the wonderful things about manners, says Hymowitz, is it gives a child something to "fall back on" in approaching others. Anyway, observing such manners in this young child made me redouble my efforts in my own home.

It's not just that kids need to learn "yes, please" "no thank you" and to look into the eyes of the person they are speaking to. It's not enough for a child to respect the particular authority held by the adults in his life, nor is it just forms for the sake of them. Though those are all good starts, engaging with others and showing interest in them, and with proper manners and respect, shows that one cares about the persons he's addressing.

And being able to do so with adults in particular can give a child a confidence he'll have for a lifetime.

So, back to the Hart household. My husband and I felt that our children weren't growing in that confidence - shall we say - as much as we would like.

What to do when you're swimming upstream? Have a good swim. In this case, role playing.

Now over and over we have fun pretending that I'm the next door neighbor, the teacher, the doctor, or a friend who's dropped in for a cup of coffee. My husband might be the pastor, the scout leader or the dad from next door. We practice how to say hello, always using the person's name, how to respond, how to ask and answer questions, how to engage one another and show that we care about him.

A mumbled "I don't know" and a shrug of the shoulders, looking down at the ground while speaking, and not speaking when spoken to are always unacceptable (and always have been) in our home. And yes, we make it clear that while they have to respect their little friends too, the adults in their lives command an authority that their friends do not.

Then there's the game my kids have enjoyed for years. Before going to someone's home or on an outing with other adults, my kids ask to go over the "rules." I'll say, "now when you say 'hi' to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, be sure to look down at their knee caps, don't use their names, and scowl a lot. Remember, the goal is to make sure they think we couldn't care less about them." Even after a thousand times, this brings howls of laughter and "no mom, we have to look into their eyes and show them we care!"

Well, practice hasn't made perfect yet. But my husband and I don't mind that we are swimming upstream - as long as we are going in the right direction.

[ricpic]

How often do you hear adults say thank you and you're welcome in commercial transactions nowadays. Why should there be surprise, that the children of all those adults who don't even do that minimum, are any different?

[babble-on]

Everything was better in the old days. All children were model citizens who lived clean brave respectful lives. Kids. I don't know what's wrong with these kids today.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

My 4 yr old talks to everyone. Many adults and children don't respond to him. I have noticed many, children won't answer, even if I look then in the eye and ask a question. I too have had the experience where children ,at a party at my house, refuse to talk to me or any other adult. It is really strange.

[fporretto]

Miss Hart has a good point, though she might have expressed it more strongly. A code of manners, whose prescriptions are clear, simple, and rigid, allows a child to say to himself, "I'm playing by the rules, so I'm good." That is inherently confidence-building. When there is no code, the arbitrary, variable reactions of adults can easily confuse a child and leave him with nothing by which to judge his own conduct -- no way to determine whether he's in the right or in the wrong. This is especially important today, when adults are often quite as guideless and irrational as toddlers.

Social standards are protection for everyone -- and who needs protection more than children?

Freedom, Wealth, and Peace,
Francis W. Porretto
Visit The Palace Of Reason:
http://palaceofreason.com

[ChemistCat]

This is one of the things that changed much for the better when I put my kids in a private school. The other kids are respectful, polite, interested and interesting. They don't seem to think I'm an alien that will go away if they just ignore me well enough. I like them, they like me, and they help my children pick up healthy social habits instead of the kind that lead to prison.

[ricpic]

Why can't they be like we were;
Perfect in every way.
What's the matter with kids today?

[TxBec]

ping!

[ricpic]

Posted before I noticed your tag line. I'm sooooo mortified.

[Arthur McGowan]

This kind of behavior has everything to do with the experience most children have of being imprisoned for years on end in a roomful of people segregated arbitrarily by age, under the tutelage of an all-powerful adult who even has the power to tell you when you may go to the bathroom. This artificial, unnatural environment does untold damage. It stifles creativity, and instills deep feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness.

[FITZ]

A lot of times it's better if kids avoid interaction with adults they don't know. They are taught not to talk with strangers.

[Katya]

It's also one of the reasons I chose private education. The tradition in my children's school since kindergarten has been to greet their teacher on the way into the classroom, by shaking their hand and looking them in the eyes, and saying farwell with a handshake upon exiting the classroom.
I've seen a teacher stand still holding the child's hand very patiently,until they can meet their eyes. This small but very meaningful gesture has followed my sixteen year old to High School. He often comments that his new schools teachers are quite surprised when he goes over to shake hands.

[babble-on]

how about: "why do the kids put peas up their nose?"

I have to say that what annoys me about this article is that it is pretending to make a big sociological point, and using a sample group of one. I can do the same. One of my kids is very gregarious and deals very easily with adults. Another one of my kids is shy and doesn't often engage adults she doesn't know in real conversations. Each has always been that way. I am sure to my satisfaction that it is a result of their respective personalities, which they were born with, not their training.

[George W. Bush]

Harumph. Durned kids.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

You are preaching to choir . That is why I homeschool!

[Arthur McGowan]

I give thanks to God each and every time I hear about another homeschooler, just as I would give thanks to God each time I heard about someone escaping from the Gulag. Homeschooled American children are going to be running the world in ten to twenty years, provided the hordes of children damaged by the government schools of America, Canada, Germany, France, Iraq, North Korea, China, etc., etc., don't destroy it first.

[grasshopper2]

How often do you hear adults say thank you and you're welcome in commercial transactions nowadays

This is so true. Children learn from example and the example they see from adults in places like the supermarket, Kmart, the public library, and on the road, is often rude. This might be that in the past, people who interacted with customers were the proprietors themselves who had an economic interest in being polite. Also, in the past, people with poor social skills were often doing jobs in manufacturing that held no contact with the public. Now those lower level type workers are employed in jobs like at McDonalds or in customer service positions with your cable company.

Why is it that the women standing behind "customer service" counters in large stores are almost always gruff?

Children are influenced by the rude examples they see in public. And, they may develop an indifferent attitude as a result growing up hardened, expecting rudeness, so that they aren't disappointed when they encounter it.

[missycocopuffs]

Very interesting article...

To those who believe that the decline in manners has to do with public school education, let me point out that my home-schooled nieces have appalling manners and play behaviors; now aged ten and thirteen, they are improving, but it used to be that I couldn't stand to visit with them.

My DH and I recently visited with his aunt in D.C. area, and on our last day in the area, she hosted a large brunch in her very small home. At the brunch were five young girls from two different families. They played quietly upstairs, conducted themselves like young ladies, and were exceedingly polite. I had no idea that young children could be so delightful and engaging.

I witnessed another unusual thing while we were in D.C.: One night we attended a hockey game at the MCI Center along with my DH's aunt and his parents. We happened to make the acquaintance of a transplanted Michigander who hailed from a small city about four miles from where my DH's parents live. The gentlman and his wife were sitting two or three rows below us.

Shortly into the first periond, a man and what I assume to be his son joined the couple to watch the game. The boy was perhaps 10-12 years old. After they had settled into their seats, I saw the boy approach the gentleman, shake his hand, look him in the eye and actually conduct a conversation. Blew me away.

What is sad is that children actually displaying manners now shocks me.

[lepton]

allows a child to say to himself, "I'm playing by the rules, so I'm good."

"High Self-Esteem is simple: Do Good, and remember that you've done it." - John Milton (Or close paraphrase)