ON FRANCE AND WAR (HUMOR)

Yahoo Message Boards | 05 March 2003

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"

---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."

--David Letterman

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"

---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."

---Rush Limbaugh,

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."

---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."

--Norman Schwartzkopf

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

ROFL. One of the best posts about France I've ever seen.

[WSGilcrest]

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."

--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

[cavtrooper21]

More cheese eating surrender monkey humor!!

[SC DOC]

[WSGilcrest]

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's Fool" by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

[ABG(anybody but Gore)]

Ping!

[rellimpank]

--the first joke is an oldie but goodie--I read a variation of it involving a private, a lieutenant, a pretty girl and an elderly woman in my grandad's American Legion magazine in about 1949 or so--

[Dacus943]

Okay guys... Who said "France, she is always there when SHE needs us!"

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

Hahahahhaaaaa. Oooh...mercy!

[Jack of all Trades]

I just got this one from my wife via email.

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you; I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

Oh, oh, oh....ROFL!!!!

[metalboy]

FRAAAAAANCE!!!

[metalboy]

Not to get off the subject, but has anyone ever seen this?? Beautiful! http://www.counterclintonlibrary.com/

[omni-scientist]

Another French national anthem candidate:

"With a Little Help from (Our) Friends"
by the Beatles

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

Surely you have something else to contribute to this thread...?

[RikaStrom]

ROFLMAO.... I don't know where your wife got it (see if she remembers); it's making the rounds. My mother sent it to me from Idaho, last week.

Did you know coffee on the keyboard is a bad thing?! LOL

[Jack of all Trades]

Here's an old one from my inbox.


U.S. Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld apologized today for referring to France and Germany as an "Axis of Weasels."

"I'm sorry about that Axis of Weasels remark," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "I didn't mean to dredge up the history France and Germany share of pathetic compliance with ruthless dictators." The Defense Secretary said he was "way out of bounds" with the comments. "I should have known better than to remind people that these two nations--which live in freedom thanks only to the righteous might of America, Britain and their allies--that these nations are morally and politically bankrupt, and have failed to learn the lessons of history," he said.

"It really was an inappropriate thing to say--you know, the Axis of Weasels thing. I really should not have called them the Axis of Weasels. I think it's the 'Weasels' part that was most offensive...you know, when I said that France and Germany form an Axis of Weasels. Of course, I'm so sorry." The Defense Secretary continued, "I want it to be known that no other man holds the weasel in as high a regard as I do, and I'll be the first to point out the crucial role this noble creature plays in our ecosystem. I went way over the line comparing the weasel to a bunch of rude, unwashed, leftist Euroweenie surrender monkeys who change their underwear once a month whether they need to or not."

"And I just did it again, didn't I? I just insulted the monkeys. I'm quitting while I'm ahead."