GIMME SHELTER: The Hilarious Human Shields

The Iconoclast ^ | March 1, 2003 | Linn Anderson

[clintonbaiter]

GIMME SHELTER
Baghdad's Hilarious Human Shields

by Lin Anderson, Iconoclast Contributing Editor



War is hell, William Tecumseh Sherman observed, and indeed it is. But the world will long remember that, in the days leading up to "Gulf War II: S'Long Saddam," there was occasion for the tremulous smile -- indeed, for the occasional coffee-spewing guffaw.

Just as Bob Hope's USO tours raised the spirits of U.S. troops during World War II, Korea, and Vietnam, so a group of equally zany entertainers have combined their considerable talents to lighten the mood in our own dangerous time of conflict.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Human Shields!

Readers who have not followed the perilous journey of the Shields to Baghdad are readers who have most certainly missed one of the most intriguing and occasionally laugh-out-loud sideshows of the present Middle Eastern standoff.

Readers who have been following the Shields know exactly what I mean.

Now, I must stress at the outset that I am no stranger to the humane motivations of the Shields. You'll not find a person who has tilted at more windmills than I have, and thus I think I clearly understand their Quixotic spirit.

It does help to point out, however, that there is a slim margin of difference between a windmill and an F-16, as any Dutch citizen who has ever strayed onto a bombing range can attest.

For those who missed the meeting, it is the Human Shields' desire -- through the method of positioning themselves at key sites in Iraq -- to somehow prevent said sites from being bombed because they, the human shields, are positioned there.

This does not, however, mean that they are actually prepared to die if someone in a B-1 should happen to target their position. "I have no intention of being a martyr," Roberta Taman of Canada told the Associated Press. "I'm here because I believe that the world wants peace and that we can achieve peace."

Confused? Wondering why Roberta's put herself in harm's way when she has no intention of, as they say in Canada, "Biting the Moose"? Here's a handy explanation of the way Roberta's mind is working here: Roberta would set up shop at, for example, an aspirin factory in Mosul which is considered to be a likely target of Allied action since it produces an over-the-counter medication called "Asthrax."

As a result -- in the alternate semi-demented dimension Roberta habituates -- the crew of a U.S. medium-range bomber, punching in the coordinates for its run, would suddenly find the aircraft's cabin bathed in eerie flashing red light, and a piercing alarm rending the air.

"Captain! Telemetry indicates Roberta Taman -- a fully-licensed Canadian citizen -- is on the ground at that location!"

"Roberta Taman??? For Godsake, Lieutenant! Abort the mission! Now!"

"Roger, Cap! Good Lord, what the hell were we thinking?"

Ideally, that's how this thing would work -- in Roberta's fantasies anyway.

Who are these Human Shields, you're probably now asking? What is their -- as the traitorous French would say-- raison d'etre? Well, one of them, 72-year-old Elaine Martinez of Chicago, provided what I found to be a most telling and endearing answer: "You'd be surprised," Mrs. Martinez told the London Telegraph, "how many members of our team are organic vegetable farmers."

Yeah. That's certainly a wild shocker, Elaine.

The most celebrated of all Shields are the extremely lively and press-friendly group first introduced to the world back in January, when a story out of London reported that about 50 activists would be leaving shortly on veddy British double-decker buses for Baghdad, with the aim of -- er, well, um, standing around, I guess, and by standing around thus preventing war. Or something.

The group first made headlines by dropping by Downing Street and delivering British Prime Minister Tony Blair -- who has quite enough headaches, thank you -- a list of Iraqi sites where members planned to, um, defiantly stand around in the event of war.

"Officially, it is now known that Tony Blair has been notified that UK and US citizens are going to be in harm's way and will be killed by our own governments if they go ahead with this war, as they appear determined to do," announced Ken O'Keefe, Head Shield.

That may come as news to Roberta. I hope she gets the memo.

Now this Ken's a regular piece of work, right off the top. A former U.S. Marine and a veteran of the (first) Gulf War, Ken now says joining the Corps was "a shamefully ignorant act," except he's probably not saying that while hanging out at bars with names like "Rocky's Place."

Ken -- whom I have no doubt could, and likely will, beat me like a rib steak if he ever gets ahold of this column -- has teardrop tattoos at the corner of his eyes and has renounced his U.S. citizenship, as you might imagine. Ken maintains that he is a "citizen of the world," and also of Hawaii, which he declares is a sovereign nation.

Overall, it's quite an experience being Ken.

So, anyway, on January 25th, Ken O'Keefe and his group of enthusiastic activists -- each of whom ponied up 300 pounds for the trip -- left London hell bent for glory on three chartered double-decker buses -- a black one, and two of the more traditional red variety. One of the vehicles was decorated with a picture of the Beatles, whose music I have a hunch is not exactly burning up the ol' Mother of All CD Players there at Saddam's house.

But as a handy metaphor, you can't beat "The Magical Mystery Tour"......................

[driftless]

I imagine one cruise missile reducing a number of these idiots into atom-sized particles would help to make future shields/morons think twice about doing these stupendously stupid and traitorous actions.

[dark_lord]

Interesting. The Human Shields site now has this title: Human Shields : This was a bad idea, Let's go Home!

I think this is a spoof site.

[Search4Truth]

It is incomprehensible to me how someone’s life could be so devoid of truth, so meaningless, so purposeless, that they would want to travel 10,000 miles to risks their lives for a brutal and ruthless tyrant.

To my mind, this an attempt by the suicidal to bring some kind of meaning and purpose, to an otherwise meaningless and purposeless life.

The Left is the abode of the most pathetic.

[ward_of_the_state]

Hey Kenny, you traitor to your gender, Country, God, and sanity -- hold on reeeal tight to your pantyhose and that cup of Starbucks cappuccino.

Kenny needs a visity from R. Lee Ermey! What kinda grab-asstic attitude is this? Brings to mind the memorable "reach-around" quote from the Gunny in "Full Metal Jacket"!

[RWG]

I have no intention of being a martyr," Roberta Taman of Canada told the Associated Press...canada isn't even a real country and it doesn't even produce real shields. Or maybe the problem is the entire canadian population wears shields.

[Bob]

Hey Kenny, you traitor...

Kenny is one of the very few folks who qualifies for the title ex-Marine. All of the Marines that I've ever known refer to themselves as former Marines.

Semper Fi, guys!

[geedee]

Didn't we see some of these idiots in Afghanistan?

[JennysCool]

You might like this one! :-)

[Conservababe]

Kenny is not a human shield, himself. He created his own passport as a citizen of the world and was denied entrance to Iraq.

So, he is not in harms way despite organizing others to become shields.

[RnMomof7]

[Prosector] Q. [L]et's start with the teardrop tatoo [sic]. What is the significance or meaning of that tatoo [sic] as has been your experience as a gang intelligence officer?


[Appellant] A. . . . There are several meanings to the teardrop. . . . One is for loss of a homeboy or friend. One particular reason is for how many times you've been to the jail. And one time it is noted as this is the last time I'll ever cry

http://www.cca.courts.state.tx.us/opinions/73591.htm


It definatly has a criminal connection..the press has been had again

[Highway55]

Let us not loose sight of the fact that if these people are killed it could set back organic vegetable farming in the county.

[Terridan]

I thought at first, the tears referred to his "lost loves" back in jail... ;)

[Happygal]

OMG...HOW COOL is this!!!!!

[Vigilanteman]

Kinda like the Imans who encourage and abet suicide bombers but would never dreaming of becoming one, eh?

[Conservababe]

Yes, Kenny knew darn well that his passport would be denied and he could remain safe while sending naive others to their deaths.

And if you recall in the article, Kenny did mention dying.

I cannot help it, but I have to giggle when I read of the human shields.

[exmoor]

Public education at work.....please leave the DC School System out of this................

[exmoor]

I wonder what the application for a Human Sheild would look like.....If you have never taken Human Sheilding 101, don't make fun....

[A CA Guy]

Shields + Idionts = Shidiots. They are a bunch of shidiots.

[A CA Guy]

Make that Shields + Idiots = Shidiots

[Mr_Magoo]

Human Shield (noun)
A liberal mindless idiot who does not realize that by standing with our enemies they will be treated as an enemy and get thier collective asses shot (or blown) off.