By Marni Soupcoff
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Republicans are disappointed, Democrats amused, after President Bush's State of the Union address was mistaken by millions of Fox viewers for an episode of the network's popular reality television show, American Idol.
"Unless we begin to pay more attention to what's going on around us in the world, like what's going on in Iraq and what our own President looks like, we're going to be in serious trouble," House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., commented Tuesday night, after the initial buzz indicated that many viewers thought Bush's speech before Congress was actually an audition for American Idol. Added Hastert: "The President was not even singing. This isn't a good sign."
It's not difficult to see why viewers were confused, however. On most networks, Bush received harsh criticism for his performance and was picked apart by critics when his speech was over. Perhaps this is why many Fox watchers mistook Sen. Edward Kennedy, who accused Bush of rushing down the path of war and giving a lousy speech, for famously cranky and insulting American Idol judge, Simon Cowell.
"I don't know, he seemed very moody and sort of overly critical," one viewer said of Kennedy. "I thought he was just filling in for Simon."
If Bush succeeds in becoming the next American Idol, he will join fellow Texan Kelly Clarkson, who the won the show's first talent search. And if the President wins the contest, he will also receive a lucrative recording contract and a guest stint on Malcolm In The Middle.
For more of the wry writings of Marni Soupcoff, check out Marni's World
FRENCH STUNNED TO DISCOVER JERRY LEWIS IS JEWISH
By William Grim
PARIS -- Meeting in emergency session, members of the French Legion of Honor have voted unanimously to expel Jerry Lewis from their august organization since it has been revealed in Le Figaro that the American comic is Jewish.
"We feel deceived by Mr. Lewis," said Legion of Honor President Jean-Paul Rambeau. "Or perhaps we should say, Mr. Levitch," a reference by the president to Jerry Lewis' birth name.
"By expelling the so-called Jerry Lewis from the Legion of Honor, we're sending a clear signal to Israel," M. Rambeau elaborated, "That we in France will no longer tolerate the denial of civil rights to those poor Palestinians who just want to go about their daily lives, like all other ordinary people, with fifty sticks of dynamite strapped to their bodies attached to quick fuses."
The editorial staff of La Cahiers du Cinema, the distinguished French film journal that first conferred genius status upon Jerry Lewis, were incredulous at Lewis' outing as a Jew.
"Perhaps Jerry Lewis isn't a genius after all," said Francois Cointreau, managing editor of the magazine. "My God, the next thing you?ll be telling me is that Woody Allen is Jewish."
In related news, Al-Jazeera Films announced today that Shecky bin Laden, a noted Beirut standup comic and the star of the popular Arabic sitcom, "Grace and the Will of Allah," has signed on to star in a $50 million production of "The Nutty Professor of Middle Eastern Studies" that is being co-produced by Al-Jazeera and Miramax.
Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved.
HUNDREDS OF 'HOLLYWOOD MAIDS & MAN-SERVANTS AGAINST WAR' PROTEST IN WASHINGTON
By The Iconoclast
WASHINGTON -- Hundreds of Hollywood maids and man-servants opposed to waging war in Iraq rallied in Washington despite the frigid cold, demanding the White House back down and give U.N. weapons inspectors a chance. Domestic employees of such celebrated Tinseltown celebrities as Barbra Steisand, Martin Sheen and Susan Sarandon put down their dishrags, mops and dustbusters to travel to the nation's capital to express their opposition to war.
"I may just be a humble wetback who gets paid minimum wage to wait head and foot on that snotty Malibu princess who pays my meager weekly wages, but I know that world peace is preferrable to war," said Diego Fargeez the personal man-servant of Hollywood diva Barbra Streisand. "And besides I got a $250 bonus for coming here today, the most money her Phoniness has ever paid me in the 15 miserable years I've toiled for that dreadful woman."
Chanting maids and man-servants carrying placards reading "Al Gore Abhors War" and "Would Jesus Bomb Saddam?" began assembling early on the National Mall in Washington. Stepping out of huge stretch limousines and Lincoln Navigator SUV's, the dedicated domestic servants of prominent members of the Hollywood anti-war establishment lined up to voice their displeasure with the Bush adminstration and Bill O'Reilly.
"It's really important for us to show Europe and the rest of the world that even though we're not even paid a living wage, and we only get a day off every other week, exploited celebrity domestic help like us still have the courage to say 'No to war'," explained Maria Juanita Lopez, pantry maid at the luxurious Hollywood Hills mansion of Susan Sarandon. "Besides, that pompous witch would fire me if I ever revealed to her that I thought that George W. Bush seems like an okay dude and that it's time to get rid of that Saddam guy!"
Protesters said the recent deployment of U.S. troops to the Gulf, and widespread speculation that a Jan. 27 report by U.N. arms inspectors could serve as a trigger for war, had lit a fire under the domestic help of Hollywood's anti-war elite. "You'd be surprised the kind of bonuses we received for coming here," enthused Miguel Miguel, Martin Sheen's pool boy. "And staying at the Four Seasons, even if it is in the domestic quarters in the basement beside the furnace, is kind of a gas."
"Bush is counting on the fact that Hollywood's maids and man-servants have been lulled into complacency by their employers' prosperity and obscene wealth," commented Rosa Parks, Alec Baldwin's cleaning lady. "Hell, we never see any of that bread. So why should we be complacent. We need every penny we can get. And if some rich Hollywood honkies are willing to ante up with some 'cheese' for us black folks to say mean things about that nice Bush fellow, then what the heck, we're goin' to take the money and run -- to hell with George Dubyah Whitey and that Condie woman, even if they are right about the whole Iraqi thing!"
The all-day protest rally featured numerous speakers including actress Jessica Lange's chauffeur, Rob Reiner's butler, and Rosie O'Donnel's hairdresser. Police estimate an overwhelming turnout of as many as 320 Hollywood maids and man-servants during the day-long protest activities