WHO'S HOT THIS WEEK & WHO'S NOT!

1. SEAN PENN

Move over Jimmy Carter. The newest peacemaker and international conflict-solver has arrived. Actor Sean Penn, whose qualifications for peace brokering and making pronouncements on international relations include playing a stoned surfer in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, has landed in Iraq on an earnest fact-finding mission.

Of course, why Sean thinks the Iraqis are going to give him the real story when they've failed to do so for United Nations weapons inspectors and international diplomats of every stripe is a mystery. After all, to Sean's chagrin, apparently no-one in Iraq even recognized the washed-up Hollywood actor when he arrived in Baghdad.

Not surprisingly, that hasn't stopped the former Mr. Madonna. According to Reuters, Saddam's latest self-important "useful idiot" paid for a "$56,000 advertisement in the Washington Post in October accusing President Bush of stifling debate on Iraq." And without presenting any useful details on the subject, Sean's been further blathering on about how easy it would be for the United States to avoid war with Iraq -- though he did offer to do what he could to help both Iraq and the U.S. "commit" to not having a war.

"I will certainly do what I can to support that commitment to looking for other options," Penn said to loud silence at home. Most Americans have tuned him out already.

Oh well, maybe we can still look forward to seeing Sean in another Woody Allen box-office turkey next year. The audience in the United States for his next Woody Allen film will probably be about the same as it was for his political grandstanding these past few months -- close to zero.

2. AL GORE

Well, the man had tried everything else to get some post-2000 media attention -- growing a beard, shaving the beard, getting a personality transplant, writing another boring book with Tipper, even making a fool of himself on Saturday Night Live. With all the PR options exhausted, there was only one other thing Al Gore could do to make the six-o'clock news -- announce he was not running for president.

Of course, instead of the weeping and gnashing of teeth Al expected from the media and colleagues in the Democratic Party, his announcement was greeted with enthusiastic cheers, if not sighs of relief. It seems pretty well no-one could stomach the nightmare vision of another six-month-long presidential election campaign filled with robotic Al Gore stump speeches and another dose of the Gore family's clumsy charm offensive.

No, for once you're right, Al. It's time for you to go. You've had your fifteen minutes -- and then some.

Al....Al...? It's time for you to go, Al.... Will someone please get the hook!

3. TRENT LOTT

They say there's no such thing as bad press, and no one's getting more press these days than Senator Trent Lott. The man is everywhere, even on the black-oriented BET cable channel, thanks to Lott's offensive comments bemoaning the fact that Strom Thurmond wasn't elected President when the latter was running on a segregationist platform in 1948.

Of course, Senator Lott seems oblivious to the fact that almost everyone -- Republicans and Democrats alike -- thinks he should step down as majority leader. It's even rumored that Lott approached Condi Rice and Colin Powell for support and was turned down.

Not surprisingly, considering the dim light bulb that he is, Lott just continues on his "forgiveness tour" of the TV talk shows, while lamely defending himself by insisting that what he really meant was that Thurmond would have eliminated defense and budget problems now bedeviling the United States. How? By legislating that black marines were required to sit at the back of troop carriers when serving in Desert Storm or the Afghanistan conflict? Or barring "coloreds" from the executive branches of major U.S. corporations like black-owned BET?

Supporting Strom Thurmond's Dixiecrat presidential bid on the basis of his defense and finance policies is kind of like supporting Bill Clinton for his embodiment of family values. It's not exactly what the man is known for.

In truth, most Americans are embarrassed and offended by Senator Lott's words. Even President Bush came out strongly against them.

The $64,000 question is: When will Trent Lott himself will finally clue in?

2. STEVE BING

Steve Bing is the poor little rich boy (make that unemployed heir to his father's millions who calls himself a Hollywood producer ) who knocked up Elizabeth Hurley and then tried to deny paternity because of her alleged promiscuity, until DNA tests proved that he indeed was the unproud father of Elizabeth's new little son. Poor Steve was overwhelmed by all the bad publicity he received for trying to welch on his parental obligations, despite his sterling record in Hollywood of having offended no-one because he rarely did anything except vaccuously spend his father's money on fab new sports cars, water beds and curvy young starlets.

In order to garner some positive publicity for a change, Stevie announced that he'd pay 100,000 pounds a year, or $158,000 US, to support the son he fathered with Elizabeth Hurley. But the actress quickly responded that the money was ''not wanted or welcome,'' and that she would refuse it. Hurley's full statement read: ''It appears that one cannot stop someone trying to give you money. Fortunately one can refuse to accept it. This I have done.''

Nice try, Stevie. But next time you get a starlet pregnant, fess up and offer the child support immediaely, without first requesting DNA proof of your paternity and implying that the mother is a promiscuous slut.

3. LIZZIE GRUBMAN

Talk about your quick fifteen minutes. Notorious SUV hitwoman Lizzie Grubman is out of the slammer already after serving prison time for backing her sport utility vehicle into a crowd outside a trendy Hamptons nightclub, mowing several people down, and then fleeing the scene of the crime. Even though Lizzy was in such a tizzy she injured scores of innocent bystanders with her 'angry-little-rich-girl' temper tantrum, her wealthy, well-connected father was able to buy her a 'slap-on-the-wrist' 60-day jail sentence.

Now Grubman, 31, has left the big house after serving only 37 days of her 60-day sentence, thanks to time off for good behavior. Just another sterling example of the American justice system at work.

No doubt that other notorious Hamptons felon Martha Stewart will soon be contacting Grubman Senior to see how he managed to corrupt the scales of justice on behalf of his spoiled daughter, and to get Lizzie's lawyer's phone number............

Baghdad Sean -- the latest Benedict Arnold of the Hollywood set.

Another moron from the world of "Lets Pretend" who has no one that enjoys his own words and opions like himself.

I for one could care less what this moronic hasbeen has to say.

But next time you get a starlet pregnant, fess up and offer the child support immediaely, without first requesting DNA proof of your paternity and implying that the mother is a promiscuous slut. (even if she is.)

God Save America (Please)

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