[Kathy in Alaska]

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.  I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.  Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes.

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries.  After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets.  If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.  Since this is  Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.  Instead, we will be displaying a hedgehog like decoration, hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.  The little artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late.  The children will entertain you while you wait.  I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline.  Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming.  If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.  They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast.  In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method.  When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.  In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table - In a separate room - Next door.

I know you've all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers.  This will not be happening at our dinner.  For safety reasons the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.  I stress "private", meaning:  Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me.  Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress.  I have an electric knife.  The turkey is unarmed.  It stands to reason that I will eventually win.

When I do, we will eat.

Before I forget, there is one last change.  Instead of offering choices between a dozen different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints.  You will still have a choice - take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.  She probably won't come next year either.

I am Thankful.

[Kathy in Alaska]

WHAT A VIEW — As viewed from the deck of the guided missile frigate USS Ingraham, a full moon illuminates the nuclear aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson while conducting night flight operations. Carl Vinson is currently underway off the southern coast of California conducting training in preparation for their next scheduled deployment. U.S. Navy photo by Electronics Warfare Technician 2nd Class Christopher Ware

[Soaring Feather]

Martha Stewart vs. the Real Women's Way:

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow
in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream
drips.

The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream
out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place
an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even
decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up".
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while
you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with
me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for
weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the
stuff.

Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over
piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy
finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie
selections do not include brushing egg whites over the
crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut
it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason
this works is because you can't rub a lime on your
forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and
then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is
because you are now BLIND!

Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars:
Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non
slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip for the holiday
season......

Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover
wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?


Breathe Easy & Have a Great Day