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The Iconoclast (Top Headlines) ^ | August 20, 2002 | Unknown

[clintonbaiter]

STAR OF X-RATED PORN FILMS TURNS DOWN LEAD IN CLINTON BIO-FLICK


Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is photographed giving "cigar-related" instructions to actors playing the president and Monica Lewinsky on the set of the new X-rated bio-flick, Slick Willie's Bluesi>. The ex-pres was paid $300,000 to act as a consultant on the film. However, international porn star Rocco Siffredi turned down the part of Clinton, claiming he was revolted by the graphic nature of the reality-based script

(Hollywood)-- Rocco Siffredi, international star of over 400 "Adult" films, confirmed today that he turned down the lead in Slick Willie's Blues, the $150 million film biography of former US President William Clinton scripted by David Cronenberg and directed by Wes Craven.

Although financial details seem to have posed no problem, the Ueber-Swordsman is reported to have been particularly revolted by the graphic nature of the script, which would have required him to simulate sex with overweight White House interns, Ling-Ling, a giant panda in the Washington, D.C. zoo, PLO Chairman Yassir Arafat, and most controversially, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Although Siffredi has been avoiding the press, this journalist was able to catch up with the publicity-shy porkmeister on the set of his latest film, Johnson's Johnson: LBJ Uncovered, an NC-17-rated film of the life and times of President Lyndon Johnson commissioned by the History Channel. When questioned about the reasons for turning down the lead in the Clinton film, Siffredi was blunt. "Look, I've got a reputation to worry about. Arab terrorists and zoo animals are one thing, but Hillary Clinton? C'mon, give me a break. Not even Strom Thurmond could handle that action. I'd rather do Madeleine Albright and Rosie O'Donnell at the same time while listening to Barbra Steisand sing The Way We Were."

In related news, Vivid Entertainment has just announced that it has optioned and is in pre-production for DICK: The Dick Morris Story, a no-holds barred bio of former Clinton political strategist and shoe fetishist Dick Morris.

William Grim, Iconoclast.ca

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YASSER ARAFAT BECOMES YASSER HEADROOM

AFTER FREAK MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT, PALESTINIAN LEADER'S MIND MAPPED ONTO COMPUTER


Masked members of the militant Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigades march with the computer-generated head of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat in Gaza City on Wednesday

JERUSALEM -- In a freak motorcycle accident yesterday -- which Palestinians are blaming on Israel?s failure to release tax money owed to the Palestinian Authority -- Yasser Arafat suffered severe head injuries and fell into a coma. However, fervid supporters quickly mapped the unconscious Palestinian leader's mind onto a computer so that he could continue to lead them in their glorious jihad.

The move could be a boost for Arafat's Fatah movement, which had been losing some steam in recent months after seeing fewer dead Israelis than expected. The computer generated Arafat, known as Yasser Headroom, is expected to host a new television show and appear in an Art of Noise video, both of which should help him disseminate his demand that Israel pull its troops from the West Bank and Gaza strip.

Meanwhile, the militant Al-Aqsa Martyrs have been carrying Yasser Headroom in numerous marches through Gaza City to rally support for the Palestinian Authority. Israel has made no comment on the marches, but insiders say the country's leaders have privately expressed concern about how they will be able to isolate Arafat, now that he is a semi-human talking head living in a television screen. Yasser Headroom is said to look and sound almost exactly like Yasser Arafat except that Headroom has a slight stutter, a boxier head, and a plastic head scarf. In Gaza on Thursday, Hamas spokesman Abdel Aziz Rantisi said the new flesh-and-blood-less Headroom "will make a great human shield."

Israeli forces say they will not hesitate to shoot a television screen if such action is warranted. In a formal statement, the military said that if it believes Headroom is recruiting suicide bombers or planning bombings, it will destroy his picture tube.

Marni Soupcoff

[clintonbaiter]

Braking news!

[Arthur McGowan]

...the script, which would have required him to simulate sex with...Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Obviously, a highly fictionalized account of the Rapist's life.

[Apolitical]

Even simulated sex with Hillary would have been too loathsome for Slick Willy!