Posted on 06/29/2002 4:07:33 AM PDT by xsysmgr
West End theatre staff have long had to deal with the bizarre demands of stars, from extra security to chauffeur-driven limousines. But nobody - until now - had requested a new penis.
The demand involves a scene in Charlotte Jones's acclaimed play Humble Boy, now showing at the Gielgud Theatre. A coarse, small-time businessman called George Pye returns drunk from a night out.
He wanders into the garden and proceeds to urinate - front of stage - over his neighbour's funeral urn.
It is a technically tricky two minutes of drama. But Dennis Quilley performed it each night for four months using a prosthetic penis connected by a tube to a water bag strapped around his body.
Leaving aside the odd complaint from a member of the audience, all went swimmingly until William Gaunt recently took over the role.
At the beginning of this week, a leaked email from the company manager, Digby Robinson, revealed that Gaunt was unhappy about having to use a second-hand prop for the urn-wetting scene.
"I have had to ask a prop maker to give me a quote to make a new prop penis," said Mr Robinson.
"He is not happy with the 'flow' of water and wants something more visible. I have appeased him so far but tonight the water bag has started leaking (Bill has been fiddling with it)."
The following day, another email brought a response from the producer, Matthew Byam Shaw.
"Can Bill really not still use Quilley's?" he asked. "If we have too much spray, we will have problems from the seats in Row A."
Concern for the welfare of the audience appeared to have been put aside when Mr Robinson replied on Wednesday: "As regards Bill's prop, the maker is endeavouring to make it more visible to the naked eye . . . the current penis is still leaking but I have asked him not to play about with it."
Communications took on a more urgent air after producers realised their emails were being leaked to the diary of a national newspaper.
On Thursday Mr Byam Shaw asked: "Have you seen the Guardian today?! What the bloody hell's going on down there?
"Tell Bill he'll have to make do with a water pistol if we continue this carry-on."
Mr Byam Shaw told The Telegraph yesterday that the debate over the faulty prop, while quite funny, had "got rather out of control".
He confirmed that the prosthetic had been custom-built for Quilley and that his successor was keen to have one of his own.
"Actors have very specific demands and, in this case, one man's penis is not another man's penis," he added.
Despite suspicions among staff that Gaunt engineered the whole problem on purpose, a new one has been ordered from technicians at the National Theatre.
"We hope to reveal it on Wednesday next week," said Mr Byam Shaw.
Reminds me of the time a buddy and I were fishing from an abandoned bridge...
It was getting late, and we decided to call it a day.
It was a long hike back to the Jeep, most of the way alongside a busy roadway, so we decided to relieve ourselves before leaving the relative isolation of the old bridge.
"Brrr..." my friend said as he began, "That water's cold!"
I nodded agreement and replied, "Yeah... And it's DEEP too!"
Water was not the only thing that was getting deep. :)
sheesh
Scouts Out! Cavalry Ho!
Whatever you do, don't eat the big white mint!!!
It's 'Art', mom! At least, that's what the old guy with the baseball mitt, in the front row of the Gaeity Burlesque in Detroit told me, when I was a youth.
Maybe it's just a reaction to "The Vagina Monologues".
Charlotte Jones's acclaimed play Humble Boy---I would have called it "The Penis Chronicles".............FRegards
(Shudders) I just believe that men shouldn't talk to strangers at the urinal. There' nothing worse than taking care of your business when the guy beside you looks over and says "Hi!" and I'd be freaked out for sure if you started in with your big white mint line...
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