Posted on 04/17/2002 3:37:41 PM PDT by Tumbleweed_Connection
Men. Listen up. This one's for you.
I did a column about the article in Time reporting that professional women are repelling the men they're trying to attract — Holly Hunter's lament in "Broadcast News."
Three decades after feminism blossomed in a giddy wave of bra-burning, birth-control pills and unisex clothes, the female ideal of having it all is a risible cliché.
Women moving up still strive to marry up. Men moving up still tend to marry down. The two sexes' going in opposite directions has led to an epidemic of professional women missing out on husbands and kids.
After urging guys not to be leery of high-achieving women, I was swamped with 600 e-males. (And one from a bystander in this struggle-of-the-sexes: "Mary Ellen, a 60-year-old, one-kidneyed, unrepentantly aggressive, abrasive but cheerful horseback-riding lesbian who found true love in the Southwest.")
Some female readers are concerned that men might be engaged in a sinister Stepford plot to get rid of uppity alpha women by refusing to mate with them and pass down their genes to their daughters.
Many men wanted to defend themselves against the charge that their fragile egos resist a challenge.
"For months," writes Yeung-Seu Yoon of Toronto, "I have been sullenly wondering if there are any women out there who have I.Q.'s that actually exceed their body temperature. What I would do to meet a woman who treats her head as more than just a frilly decorative ornament!"
Kevin Johnson from Chicago: "A woman who has qualities that put me in awe is far more likely to make me think she is worth falling for."
Wright Salisbury writes "in praise of brainy women: Shortly after we were married, my wife tearfully confessed that her I.Q., at 178, was 45 points higher than mine, had been salutatorian of her college class, and was a member of Phi Beta Kappa.
"I was shocked, but divorce was out of the question. It has been terrible to live with, but there have been compensations: 1) Our children are a lot smarter . . . 2) She remembers people's names, places we have visited, and learns foreign languages the way I catch colds.
"Men, don't fear that cute little genius you have your eye on."
One guy sums up the male dilemma with a Joni Mitchell line: "You don't like weak women, you get bored so quick. And you don't like strong women, 'cause they're hip to your tricks."
But there were also many e-mails scorching career women as materialistic, choosy and self-absorbed.
"They want to find somebody who is as much or MORE: good looking, socially skilled and well-off," writes Mike "not Mormon" Dropkin of Sugarhouse, Utah. "What do successful men want? Typically, a good-looking women who is kind."
Steven Greenfield agrees: "I find that most successful women have little respect for a man who does not out-earn them. I am all too frequently made to feel as though I am the sum total of my résumé, which is embarrassingly slim in their eyes."
Anthony Santelli writes about career women in their late 30's: "Despite being older and less beautiful, they are none the wiser and as picky as ever. . . . The very men whom they had rejected are now happily married to women who are less picky. Worst of all, many of these men have gone on to have successful careers and now would meet these women's standards. But it's too late."
Patrick Partridge from Fort Collins, Colo., says, "Men instinctively know that career-focused women will not be as focused on them."
Ray Lewis admits that while smart women fascinate, "I do find them draining at times." He ended a romance with one because "I was worried she wasn't going to look after me as much as I would her."
Adam Rogers, who was unhappily married to two overachievers and undernurturers, observes: "I certainly don't want my home life to reflect the sorry state of American corporate life, where everyone thinks that he/she is so damned smart, and where very few really do anything of any consequence for anybody. . . . The more of them that are childless the better!"
And my friend Paul Costello opines: "While men say they appreciate and applaud equality, the price that it extracts from them makes them run from its reality. Face it, men are basically lazy. It's in our DNA. The bottom line? Men don't want it all and women do."
Awwwwww
NeverGore
Your first and primary role can be whatever you want it to be, but I would suggest that it should be in support of YOURSELF. You're not much good to anybody unless you're a complete person, with or without a mate. Then, when you've finally gotten to the point where you're self-sufficient and self-sustaining, any relationship you form is elective, not imperative, a bonus not an onus.
When I was president of a small, unstable, but growing company, I was stressed out and the woman I was dating at the time was not supportive at all of what I was trying to do...Two years later I was a success and I went to visit my now ex in my brand new Luxury SUV and she was dumbstruck with what she had missed out on. My self confidence at being successful had turned me into the guy I knew I could become once the fires were put out, but she had no faith in my ability to "just do it". Women, if you see a man who has dreams and is steadfast, its time to pitch your tent...A little trust in a man is more powerful than any antidepressent and can move a mountain...Unfortunately I did it without a womans help but it can be done with booze and pets. IMHO Cats rule, Dogs Drool!
Maybe those same women would have been unfulfilled divorced mothers if they hadn't taken the time to at least chase their illusion. I wonder how anyone could begrudge any person the right to make their own mistakes. Not every woman needs to pursue a career to be "self-actualized," but those who do would probably not be satisfied with the June Cleaver lifestyle you would impose on them.
By great good fortune, the woman who entered my life and is now my spouse, is a real Felicity Fahrquar. And she IS "younger, prettier and smarter" than I am. She edits every word that I write -- and it always improves the result. She keeps me on my toes. And she can cook some nifty things that are quite different from the Japanese stuf I like to cook.
I am delighted to be married to someone who can always "hit the ball back over the net." And she is delighted to be married to someone around whom she doesn't have to "hide the fact" that she's one sharp cookie.
To my experience, intelligence, ambition and success are about equally distributed among women and men. The only problem is, when you're part of the small percentage at the top of the heap you have to try real hard to find someone who matches most (but of course not all) of your interests and abillities. That statement applies equally to men and to women who are seeking a happy marriage.
I admit I was very lucky. She found me, from the wilds of South Succotash, Indiana. But even with serious searching rather than luck, it can be done.
I think Dowd is, as usual, projecting her own failures on large groups of other people/ IMHO.
Congressman Billybob
Click here to fight Campaign Finance "Reform/".
Click here for next column: "Why Are We Here?" - the Prequel.
Seven years and four children later, I am married to a very successful small business owner, respected community leader and beloved T-ball coach. I watch with glee as other men stop speaking to listen to my husband's opinion. His ex looks like she sucks lemons when we attend the same events and sniffs that he married a housemouse that can do nothing but breed.
The most profound disillusionment of my life was coming to realize how very rare kindness is among women. I really have never gotten over it. I now realize that what I always thought was kindness was just a common feminine pose, superficial and not even a little bit sincere. It's a dang shame, worse than the Santa Claus thing.
Now, regarding the common sentiment that men don't like strong women because they threaten their egos: who would want to come home to an adversary? Why would anyone want to live like that? I want home to be a place to recharge, a refuge from the vicissitudes of a brutal world. Why would I look for someone who "dares" me to love her?
Many women teach themselves the wrong things with their own actions. Women who act competetively or in an adversarial maner toward men will only attract men with ego issues, because who else would want romance to be an ego challenge? Why would a man with a healthy ego seek out that kind of stress? So these women "teach" themselves through their own experience that men have sick egos.
But don't tell them that ...
Of course, the proof of her smartness is obvious--she married me!
Don't get me wrong Ironjack, I'm no philosopher. I just ask questions.
Okay, rereading my earlier post, I find that I rambled without ever getting to my actual point. The issue has a tendency to cloud my reason.
Anyway, the point I was going to make was that "strong" and adversarial are only synonyms to feminists.
I want a strong woman, if only because a person has to be strong to be trustworthy. But I do not want a shrew or a b*tch or someone who always wants to argue.
I do not want someone who needs to bloat her own ego at the expense of mine. Oops, I mean bloat her self-esteem at the expense of my ego.
It is not healthy, it would certainly be clear to everyone that it is abusive if we were talking about men giving women a hard time in life, and I won't live like that.
Regarding the kiss-and-make-up aspect of arguing: it's cute to talk about that, especially in young lovers, but the cycle does not lead anywhere good in the long run. Sometimes you might make-up and f*ck a little harder than usual, some other times you might fight a little harder than usual, too. In reality it is very dangerous little game to play.
Oh, and I said I want a strong woman -- let me also say that I really need a smart woman. While smart can be dangerous and intimidating, I find that smarter women are generally more inclined to play fair, and a good intellect is a useful resource in a relationship. Besides it makes for more interesting pillow talk.
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