Red Light, Green Light 1-2-3 (This is funny :)

Martin M. Bodek

[SCOOGIE]

Look at all Them Pretty Colors!

I miss the days when the length of beeps on my TV told me there was some sort of threat to my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Sigh, those were innocent times. Now Governor Ridge (Governor? Isn't he Director of Homeland Security? The man needs two jobs?) comes up with a brand new color-coded system. Seems he was doing arts-and-crafts with some color paper when he suddenly got inspired. Let's see what these levels of danger would be for select politicians:

Low Condition - Green

Bill Clinton: Hillary's not around. Engage Thrusters! Tom Ridge: President Bush is not around. Twiddle thumbs, play some Solitaire. Dubya Bush: Tom Daschle's mouth is sealed, no pretzels present. Al Gore: Everyone in the country seems to know how to vote. Hillary: Career looks good. Have threesome with Arafat family. Dick Cheney: Heart attack I. I will survive.

Guarded Condition - Blue

Bill Clinton: Bullcrap detectors locate Hillary. Disengage thrusters. Tom Ridge: President Bush rounding corner. Finish up game of Minesweeper. Dubya Bush: Tom Daschle has opened his mouth, staff purchases pretzels. Al Gore: Seems Floridians might need new eyeglass prescriptions. Hillary: Career looks shaky. Make love to Suha only. Dick Cheney: Heart attack II. Feelin' Alright.

Elevated Condition - Yellow

Bill Clinton: Hillary's coming. Man battle stations. Tom Ridge: Dubya peeks into office. Use George Costanza method of looking busy. Dubya Bush: Tom Daschle begins speaking, snack on some pretzels. Al Gore: People voting for Pat Buchanan instead. Hillary: Career in Jeopardy. Give Suha her ring back. Dick Cheney: Heart attack III. My Heart Will Go On.

High Condition - Orange

Bill Clinton: Hillary's here. Fire when ready. Tom Ridge: Dubya asks for progress report. Show him impressive FreeCell streak. Dubya Bush: Tom Daschle in middle of speaking, pretzels going down funny. Al Gore: Win Florida, lose Florida, win Florida, lose Florida. Hillary: Career in danger. Annul relationship with Suha. Dick Cheney: Heart attack IV. Heartbreaker.

Severe Condition - Red

Bill Clinton: Hillary's ticked. Warp speed. Make Kessell run in less than 12 parceps. Tom Ridge: Download Click-O-Mania and begin new addiction. Dubya Bush: Tom Daschle done speaking, require Heimlich Maneuver. Al Gore: Grow beard in response to depression. Hillary: Career in cesspool. Take Suha off speed dial. Dick Cheney: Heart attack V. Help!

[Z-28]

the lights help the dumbed-down populace understand better i think?

[SCOOGIE]

Watch it cause more confusion yet ......

[MetalHeadConservative35]

hahahahahaha good one scoogster! lol

im gonna put this one on my favorites list

[SCOOGIE]

I'm not allowed to peddle any web-sites, but this is going to be published at a certain unnamed web-site next week by a political cartoonist

[kAcknor]

Quote

kAcknor Sez:

From the "Top 5 List" @ http://www.topfive.com

Domestic security chief Tom Ridge recently
introduced a color-coded terrorism alert system.
For example, green is a low risk of terrorist attack.
We wondered what some of the other alerts might be.

The Top 14 Terrorism Alert Levels

14. Plaid alert: Britney is in her slutty-schoolgirl mood again.

13. Green alert: Friggin' hippies are plotting to further
destabilize the country by throwing yet another
distracting candidate into a tight election.

12. Purple alert: Jerry Falwell thinks your children are growing
too fond of a certain purse-carrying Teletubby.

11. Khaki alert: Gap employee pod people have hatched.

10. Pink alert: Please disregard. Ridge accidentally washed
the white and red alerts together in hot water.

9. Burnt Sienna alert: Expect possible acts of violence by
crayon-wielding school children.

8. Black/tan/beige/white alert: Michael Jackson is approaching.

7. Oatmeal, Forest, Seafoam alerts: Terrorists have been sighted
in the vicinity of L.L. Bean outlets.

6. Rainbow alert: Rosie O'Donnell has adopted another child.

5. Crimson with a Delicate Splash of Rose alert: That time
of the month for Martha Stewart.

4. Brown alert: For the love of God, do NOT go in the office
bathroom for a while.

3. White alert: Now entering a restricted-access country club.

2. Yellow alert: Senator Thurmond has just peed his pants.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Terrorism Alert Level...

1. Pale Green alert: Credible threat of hangover, with puke
cannon armed and ready to be deployed.

"tIqIpqu' 'ej nom tIqIp" (Hit them hard and hit them fast.)

Basic HTML help for new FR posters. <Ver 1.4>

[SCOOGIE]

EXCELLENT !!!!

[pulaskibush]

"Al Gore: Win Florida, lose Florida, win Florida, lose Florida."

The time he won Florida was when the socialist ABCNBCCBS news agencies said so. It was all downhill from there!

[maxwell]

BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA...

Crusty black alert: Hitlery is on the roll.

[MeekOneGOP]

ROFL! Thanks for post & ping!

[Constitution Day]

Love it! BTTT...

[NeoCaveman]

Thanks for the Ping

Hillary in a three way with the Arafat's pretty much merits a BARF alert, though.

[SCOOGIE]

AMEN !!!! Brokaw is the worst of the bunxh ... with Rather right behind!

[SCOOGIE]

See Posting entitled Hillary's Theme Song of FR. you'll luv it !!!

[maxwell]

No prob, bro... Any new dirt on that windshield wench?

[MeekOneGOP]

Nothing since last Wednesday when the Dallas Morning News writer Nancy Calaway e-mailed me back that she is still in jail. She said they're calling the jail daily to check if she's being released, etc. I check the DMN and the Fort Worth StarleGram............., er Star-Telegram, every day to see if there anything there. The silence by the lamestream media is deafening.

[SCOOGIE]

only more dirt on her oversized pants suits (: