Cowboy Guide to Life (Texas Humor Break)

18 March 2002 | Unknown

[PetroniDE]

1. "DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON!"

2. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

3. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

4. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

6. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

7. Always drink upstream from the herd.

8. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

9. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

10. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

11. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

14. If a someone says there ain't no God, tell'em to go tell the cow, she'll understand better.

[PetroniDE]

Too many dem thar democrats in Kali for ni a.

[MamaTexan]

congregate
past participle of congregare,
from com- + greg, (grex) flock

No thanks,
I try to avoid bird-brains like you....:)

[Cagey]

Post #11 might brighten your day also.

[laotzu]

Thank you Warren, for that sage California advice. The entire nation has always been grateful to California for its superior wisdom.

I had a dog named Warren once...

[Consort]

Old Chism Trail

Come and gather round boys, and listen to my tale
I’ll tell you all my troubles on the Old Chism Trail

(Chorus)

Come a ti yi yippie yippie yay yippie yay
Come a ti yi yippie yippie yay

With a ten dollar horse and a forty dollar saddle
I started in herdin’ these Texas cattle (repeat chorus)

We started up the trail October 23rd
Started up the trail with the Lone Star Herd (repeat chorus)

I jumped on my horse, grabbed hold of the horn
I’m the best cow puncher that ever was a born (repeat chorus)

My foot’s in the stirrup, my seat’s in the saddle
I ‘m the best cow puncher that ever rode a straddle (repeat chorus)

I’m on my horse and I’m goin’ on the run
I’m the quickest shootin’ cowboy that ever pulled a gun (repeat chorus)

Up in the morning before daylight
When I go to sleep the moon shines bright (repeat chorus)

A ropin’ and a tyin’ and a brandin’ all day
I’m workin mighty hard for mighty little pay (repeat chorus)....

[Redbob]

"15. If you find yourself north of Dallas, TURN AROUND!"

Make that "North of the Red River" and I'd agree.
- R (Denton County, north of Dallas)

[BlueMondaySkipper]

I had a dog named Warren once...

Once!!

[Flyer]

Make that "North of the Red River" and I'd agree

I thought I was being generous. I usually say "north of Conroe".

[Redbob]

Please do return to California; we're all darned tired of hearing how "we do things in California".
BTW, if it's so all-fired nice there, what are you doing in Texas?

[petuniasevan]

[Just A Reader]

ROTFLM*O!!!!! Best Redneck joke I've heard in a while!

[TheGrimReaper]

Let's not forget the Brits, while we're at it....

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken!"

[January24th]

Thanks for the ping!!

:o)

[phil1750]

I've heard that a Texan ain't nothin but a mexican on his way to Oklahoma.

[Sunshine Sister]

No no........you've got that all wrong. It's a look of pure disgust that you mentioned any thing at all to the queen of the house!

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

You need to be named an "honorary Texan" since you enjoy this humor so much..... and since you already own boots!

Thanks for the bump..... a little bit of home.....

[Sunshine Sister]

That was uncalled for!

[PetroniDE]

He has to deal with high state income taxes, liberal democrats, and Gov. Gray(out) Davis. Cut him a little slack.

[hunyb]

Them's fightin' words, Phil ol boy! ;)

[Sunshine Sister]

Okay............ It's a perfectly good waste of slack however.