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Cowboy Guide to Life (Texas Humor Break)
18 March 2002
| Unknown
Posted on 03/18/2002 11:00:38 AM PST by PetroniDE
1. "DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON!"
2. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
3. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
4. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
6. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
7. Always drink upstream from the herd.
8. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
9. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
10. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
11. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
14. If a someone says there ain't no God, tell'em to go tell the cow, she'll understand better.
TOPICS: Free Republic; Political Humor/Cartoons; US: Texas
KEYWORDS: cowboys; humor; texas
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To: Warren
Too many dem thar democrats in Kali for ni a.
To: Warren
congregatepast participle of congregare,
from com- + greg, (grex)
flockNo thanks,
I try to avoid bird-brains like you....:)
To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
Post #11 might brighten your day also.
23
posted on
03/18/2002 11:35:48 AM PST
by
Cagey
To: Warren
Thank you Warren, for that sage California advice. The entire nation has always been grateful to California for its superior wisdom.
I had a dog named Warren once...
24
posted on
03/18/2002 11:38:51 AM PST
by
laotzu
To: PetroniDE
Old Chism Trail
Come and gather round boys, and listen to my tale
Ill tell you all my troubles on the Old Chism Trail
(Chorus)
Come a ti yi yippie yippie yay yippie yay
Come a ti yi yippie yippie yay
With a ten dollar horse and a forty dollar saddle
I started in herdin these Texas cattle (repeat chorus)
We started up the trail October 23rd
Started up the trail with the Lone Star Herd (repeat chorus)
I jumped on my horse, grabbed hold of the horn
Im the best cow puncher that ever was a born (repeat chorus)
My foots in the stirrup, my seats in the saddle
I m the best cow puncher that ever rode a straddle (repeat chorus)
Im on my horse and Im goin on the run
Im the quickest shootin cowboy that ever pulled a gun (repeat chorus)
Up in the morning before daylight
When I go to sleep the moon shines bright (repeat chorus)
A ropin and a tyin and a brandin all day
Im workin mighty hard for mighty little pay (repeat chorus)....
25
posted on
03/18/2002 11:41:13 AM PST
by
Consort
To: Flyer
"15. If you find yourself north of Dallas, TURN AROUND!"Make that "North of the Red River" and I'd agree.
- R (Denton County, north of Dallas)
26
posted on
03/18/2002 11:45:48 AM PST
by
Redbob
To: laotzu
I had a dog named Warren once...
Once!!
To: Redbob
Make that "North of the Red River" and I'd agreeI thought I was being generous. I usually say "north of Conroe".
28
posted on
03/18/2002 11:48:37 AM PST
by
Flyer
To: Warren
Please do return to California; we're all darned tired of hearing how "we do things in California".
BTW, if it's so all-fired nice there, what are you doing in Texas?
29
posted on
03/18/2002 11:48:50 AM PST
by
Redbob
To: Warren
To: 11B3
ROTFLM*O!!!!! Best Redneck joke I've heard in a while!
To: PetroniDE
Let's not forget the Brits, while we're at it....
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken!"
To: otterpond
To: Just A Reader
I've heard that a Texan ain't nothin but a mexican on his way to Oklahoma.
34
posted on
03/18/2002 12:20:32 PM PST
by
phil1750
To: PetroniDE
No no........you've got that all wrong. It's a look of pure disgust that you mentioned any thing at all to the queen of the house!
To: Cagey
You need to be named an "honorary Texan" since you enjoy this humor so much..... and since you already own boots!
Thanks for the bump..... a little bit of home.....
To: Warren
That was uncalled for!
To: Sunshine Sister
He has to deal with high state income taxes, liberal democrats, and Gov. Gray(out) Davis. Cut him a little slack.
To: phil1750
Them's fightin' words, Phil ol boy! ;)
39
posted on
03/18/2002 12:38:47 PM PST
by
hunyb
To: PetroniDE
Okay............ It's a perfectly good waste of slack however.
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