Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Who Here Has Lost a Spouse - How Did You Get Through This Experience?
self | 2/10/02 | self

Posted on 02/10/2002 2:23:45 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt

If you have gone through the experience of losing a spouse, (or someone you know has) could you please post on this thread about that time, any ideas or help for others going through this terrible experience?


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS:
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 201-217 next last
To: andysandmikesmom
mercy. tearful bump.
41 posted on 02/10/2002 3:35:33 PM PST by glock rocks
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: andysandmikesmom
I lost a 4-month old baby, but to lose an older child must be devastating.
42 posted on 02/10/2002 3:37:02 PM PST by potlatch
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
My husband died four years ago - our 21st wedding anniversary is the 21st of this month. He was very ill for years before he died. I know he was at peace with God when he died (he specifically told me that the night before he went into a coma) and that he is whole and happy now as he could never have been here in a mortal body ravaged by diabetes and kidney failure and a long list of associated disorders. The kids and I had to say good-bye to him - but we know Who greeted him on the other side and that he is Home.

As time goes by, the greatest block to happiness and productivity is regret. I could have done something more, something else, something differently, something better for Greg .... but ultimately, though I am still here, I am frail as any other mortal, too, and must look forward, not backward. Inward I find weakness - heavenward I find strength.

I trust that God has taken care of all the past as far as Greg is concerned. Peace is His gift to me, but sometimes I reject it to hang on to the familiar memories, which bring on regrets. My obligations now lie ahead. To rework the past in my head and heart is faithless - I must leave it all with God and walk on in faith that His Love covers me, and His protection will keep me and our sons safe from the enemy - the enemy is the one who sends the regrets.

My advice is Accept the Peace.... especially if it passeth all understanding Do you feel you have something yet to do, something should have been different, someone owes you something .... look carefully at the source of those troubling feelings. Do they come from Heaven? Are they standing on faith? Do you feel solid or shaky when you cling to them? Do they feed your fears? If so, then set them at the foot of the Cross and walk away - do not return to claim them again. Trust God with the big job of keeping your loved one, and trust Him also with the jobs of bringing peace to you and revealing the relevant truth in His time.

43 posted on 02/10/2002 3:45:28 PM PST by ValerieUSA
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
Some years ago lost here husband. They had been very close for more than 35 years. She said to me, Cornell's been dead for six months and I still haven't got over it.

The reply is, you won't for a long time, and then maybe even never, completely. As we grow older life becomes an accumulation of grief over people we lose and will never see again.

That's just the way it is, and there is no easy way out of it.

44 posted on 02/10/2002 3:51:40 PM PST by RLK
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
I lost my first wife in 1985 to a massive heart attack. She was 24 and we had been married over 3 years. You never forget the spouse and when the time comes to find another that person will not be them but a new love just as deep. When GOD closes a window in your life he opens a door to another path though it may not seem that way at the time. Everybody grieves and heals differently don't let anyone impose a time frame on it.

I was dating again in 4 months just out of loneliness. Two months after that I was remarried though neither of us intended to move that fast. Event's happened beyond our control and decessions had to be made quickly. GOD almost took my second new found love as well on a date. She went into quadriplegia while on a date and was dying going to the hospital. She made it through with a prognoses of quadriplegia from then an unknown reason later to be called Polio Relapse. We married after she was in the hospital for two months with four more months of hospitialization to go. She was the mother of two girls 12 & 14 at that time so I also became a stepfather to them. In short all odds were against us.

Now nearly 17 years later I can see answers to the why's and the blessings that came from tragedy in several persons lives. We have a good marriage as do our kids, we have grandkids, and despite her and my own disabilities we also have a co-dependence we did not have with our first spouses. Like I said it's different. Keep your eye's, ears, and heart, open to what may be the best yet to be. Don't worry the one you lost will allways be in your heart. Your purpose is to continue on here on earth. But sometimes the initial pain can be overwhelming. Just pray and let things happen as they do. Maybe not the best advice you'll hear but it worked for me and I would not trade places with anyone adversities and all.

45 posted on 02/10/2002 3:52:10 PM PST by cva66snipe
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
I wish there were something more that we could do.  We can write down our thoughts.  That's easy for us.  You are the one who will live through the pain.  But you can do it.  Many have gone before you.  If what we write down doesn't come easy for you, you'll simply have to work at it.  But don't for a moment think that what others have gone through, you can't.  Of course you can.

Time and acceptance are the only two things that can provide relief from the unbearable pain.  But you can delay that pain by doing other things that steal your focus until you are able to deal with it.

Those who have lost loved ones will tell you that at first some people may have to try to get through second by second.  Then comes minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day week by week, month by month and year by year.  You can gauge where you're at by how often the pain of your loss focusses your full attention on it.

Some people have a very hard time accepting what has taken place.  Coming to terms with that loss is very important.  Accept that God knows what is best.  Accept that you may be angry over this.  Don't ask too much of yourself.

Get involved with helping others.  Do something that will make a difference in someone else's life.  You must get your focus off your weakness.  You will deal with this problem over time.  You don't have to do it this minute, and in fact couldn't even if you tried.

You have a lot of people on FreeRepublic who share your grief.  They wish you well and extend their love to you.  Email them.  Develop new friends and talk to them about something.  What are your interests?  Find those who share your interests or develop ones that they exhibit.

Do whatever it takes to take your mind off this loss.  See a movie.  See five movies.  Go out to eat.  Join a club.  Join four clubs.  Develop new friends.  Do things with them.  Volunteer at your local hospital.  Volunteer at other places.  Then strike up a relationship with the other volunteers.  Please note that these are friends.  Don't try to strike up a new "relationship" immediately.  Your judgment will be compromised right now, so it's better if you just push for friendships.  You will need to talk about other topics than your loss.  Develop new interests that you can talk about with these people.

It may not seem like it now, but you'll get through this and lead a very happy life when you've come to terms with this loss.  Nobody should seek to minimize your loss.  What you have lost was very important to you.  Don't be afraid to grieve.  But don't let your grieving betray what you had with your husband.  He would not want to see you live in agony.  Determine to do something special in memory of him.  It doesn't matter what it is, even if it's just to live the happy life he would want you to, do it.

You can do this.  If all else fails get angry as hell and scream, "I can do this!" until you're too tired to do anything else.  Then accept that you can and will.

Don't be surprised when people say incredibly insensitive things to you.  Nod your head and realize that you are way above their mental station in life.  Take that as reassurance that you are a wonderful and insightful person.  Don't blame them for being unable to comprehend their own ignorance.

God will be with you every step of the way.  Whatever you do, he always will be.  His Holy Spirit has been a part of your life from the beginning.  That hasn't stopped.  And His angels are right beside you.  Talk to them.  They will comfort you.  Talk to Jesus.  He is listening.  And he is talking.  Be still and listen to what He has to say.  You will recognize His comforting thoughts and words of encouragement as they come to you.

46 posted on 02/10/2002 3:53:43 PM PST by DoughtyOne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: all
Just a note: thank you to all who are posting. I cannot be watching this thread all night and beyond so anybody who can who could watch the thread (as Chad Fairbanks is doing) for any inappropriate posts - and let the sidebar moderator know - I would appreciate it.

One more note: I have not experienced the loss of my dear hubby. But Mrs. Chief - (and others who have posted here already - with so many good posts) have!

I did lose my beloved mother - and talked about getting through that - and any loss of a loved ones is difficult to get through so all postings about how people "survive" such an experience are welcome.

But I specifically started this thread for Mrs. Chief - so please direct any words of comfort, help, encouragement, instruction, or specific experiences you had - both good and not good - while going through the loss of a spouse (or a child or other loved one) to her - These kinds of "helps" are what I was seeking and are very much appropriate and appreciated.

As so many have said - the pain losing a loved one is not something you can just breeze through - for most people. It is very very tough. And very very real. But people do survive and go on to live even with joy again.

Any helps along that road are welcome.

God bless and keep and nourish and help all who have experinced such losses - your words are so very important. I may not be able to reply to each of you - for Mrs. Chief - but I appreciate them and know that she does as well.

47 posted on 02/10/2002 4:00:36 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Joe 6-pack
Thank you again for that beautiful grahic and poem - and yes, I knew it was not you who penned the magnificent verse! :-) But they are very welcome just the same - both by me and by Mrs. Chief. She is the one suffering the loss - and others who have posted here also appreciate the poem. Thanks again.
48 posted on 02/10/2002 4:02:01 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: potlatch
I also lost my Dad ,who I adored. I never could imagine anything happening to the "guy" who could make everything right. Time is indeed the great healer. My children who were of an age to remember him have kept him with us. My daughter just gave her newborn son Pop-Pop's name as her son's middle name. Whenever something wonderful happens in our family I always say "It's Dad helping us out".I can't say i handled his loss well but after some time it does get easier.
49 posted on 02/10/2002 4:02:10 PM PST by surrey
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 38 | View Replies]

To: Sophie, In Chiefs Honor
Your words go right to the heart of the matter we are discussing. (Mrs. Chief - please check this particular post out especially).

Yes, how right you are - "And know for a certainty that the only way we get through loss is through grief".

How does one grieve - can a place like this help or is it a hindrance - what other "places" can one go to grieve - and not be so alone? thank you!

50 posted on 02/10/2002 4:04:22 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
We lost a baby in 89. My cousin who was head of a hospice program grave me much wisdom. One of the things she taught was that "We are all going on our path of life. When a tramatic experience occurs, it changes your orbit. You will never be the same person you were prior to this experience. So, don't expect yourself to be that same person."

I agree with the statement no one can know what it is like until you have experienced that loss- a spouse, a child, a parent, no one can know what it feels like from hearing about it from another.

Getting a couple of books on the subject. Several women have written books on widowhood. Many churches also have widow support groups.

God bless you as you walk through this.

51 posted on 02/10/2002 4:04:58 PM PST by notpoliticallycorewrecked
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
I lost my mom 18 mths before mt husband
52 posted on 02/10/2002 4:05:00 PM PST by In Chiefs Honor
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: stlrocket
Thank you for the linked poem - and the kind words. Mrs. Chief will also appreciate it, I am sure.
53 posted on 02/10/2002 4:05:13 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: In Chiefs Honor, Sophie
Hi, Mrs. Chief! You lost your mother 18 months before you lost your husband? OH! How terrible! I know someone who lost their husband (young - only 30) and their father within months of each other and I never understood how anyone could get through such a time of sorrow! But she did! It must be a great weight of loneliness feeling their loss - one right after another!!!! The person I know who went through the double loss - had four little children to take care of and didn't really have time to grieve properly. I don't know how she got through it. When children are grown - they can be a comfort - especially if they have children - your grandchildren - to bring over and give you company. But no one, no one, knows who has not gone through it what pain it must be!
54 posted on 02/10/2002 4:10:09 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 52 | View Replies]

To: notpoliticallycorewrecked, InChiefsHonor
So very sorry for the loss of your baby! Thank you for your comments - and I will redirect the blessings to Mrs. Chief. She is the one going through this - and others as we have seen on this thread.

This idea is good: "Getting a couple of books on the subject. Several women have written books on widowhood. Many churches also have widow support groups. "

Did any specific books help you with the loss of your child? Or any specific church or ministry or Bible verses? Thanks.

55 posted on 02/10/2002 4:12:17 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 51 | View Replies]

To: In Chiefs Honor
Hi there. I hope and pray that you can find some comfort in these posts that folks have written. There are many good, kind people at Free Republic who care. Take Care and be well!
56 posted on 02/10/2002 4:14:05 PM PST by deadhead
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 52 | View Replies]

To: winodog
I have never heard that idea before - that Grief is a gift from God - that is there to keep us from being an "empty shell" at these times of great loss.

And the tattoo idea is, well, another new one on me - but not a bad one!...depending on your inklings....:-)

57 posted on 02/10/2002 4:15:51 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 24 | View Replies]

To: ValerieUSA
Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of shade?
Oh! but God's love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.

And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with God's arm to lean on
Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still:
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will

There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth-
You shall rest in God's land.

When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home:
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!

A friend sent this to me when my father died. It was of great comfort to me , may it be to you as well. God bless and keep you through this sad time. You will be in my prayers.

58 posted on 02/10/2002 4:19:08 PM PST by In mourning for six years
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 43 | View Replies]

To: Freedom'sWorthIt
Goto < A HREF="http://www.widownet.com"> and look in the left hand column under online interractions, e-mail forums, or send a message to majordomo@fortnet.org and write subscribe widow end in the body and put nothing in the subject line.
59 posted on 02/10/2002 4:21:03 PM PST by DebMcB
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 31 | View Replies]

To: andysandmikesmom, In Chiefs Honor
Your post #27 brought me to tears. Thank you for revealing what you have gone through with the loss of your child. Your information is so very very helpful.

Glib statements - of wellmeaning friends - just don't cut it, do they? Words really are a loss at a time like this. But maybe accumulated "airing out" of the experiences of others will help Mrs. Chief and anyone else going through a time of deep loss.

I am glad to read that you made it through that time - even though you still remember your child every day. Thanks again and God bless!

60 posted on 02/10/2002 4:22:04 PM PST by Freedom'sWorthIt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 201-217 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson