Posted on 01/01/2002 12:07:51 AM PST by sweetliberty
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
I kind of gathered that, but it was new to me. Besides, a lot of the stuff that is posted on this thread isn't new, just good.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
ROTFL! Hehehehe.
Customer (CU): Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk (CL): Well, sir, that all depends.
CU: Depends on what?
CL: Actually, a lot of things.
CU: How about giving me an average price?
CL: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
CU: What's the difference in the paint?
CL: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.
CU: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
CL: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
CU: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
CL: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
CU: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
CL: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
CU: You've got to be kidding!
CL: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
CU: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.
CL: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.
CU: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
CL: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
CU: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
CL: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
CU: What?
CL: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
CU: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!
CL: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
CU: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?
CL: Yes, sir, it will.
CU: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
CL: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN-STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN-STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
VOTE DEMOCRAT or we will pull your file
Ignore the Media...Think for yourself.
STOP SOCIALISM.... IMPEACH CLINTON!
I THINK, THEREFORE I VOTE REPUBLICAN
"Annoy a liberal, Work Hard and Smile."
If Clinton's against it, it MUST be good.
It takes a village to raise an idiot.
Poor Bill...Stuck with Hillary!
Poor Hillary...Stuck with Bill!
Poor US...Stuck with both of em!
"Earth First! We'll log the other planets later."
Gotta Over Regulate Everything
After finishing taxes, I owed the IRS $1.46. I'm sure at least $500 was spent to file my check.
Ever notice how all the "CELEBRATE DIVERSITY" bumper stickers look the same?
PLEASE WORK HARDER! THERE ARE MILLIONS ON WELFARE COUNTING ON YOU.
"I'm not politcally correct I AM RIGHT"
FIGHT CRIME... SHOOT BACK!
Asking government to fight greed is like asking Adolph Hitler to fight racism.
AMERICA DOES NOT OWE YOU A LIVING.
"Clinton for President--Anything to get him the hell out of Arkansas!"
"Stop global whining."
VOTE REPUBLICAN ITS LESS TAXING
If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
"A Liberal knows as much about Economics as Hitler did about Human Rights."
Spotted Owls taste like chicken.
Be a hero, save a whale. Save a baby, go to jail.
Money's not everything, But it will keep the DNC in touch
Nancy picked the silverware. Barbra picked the China. Hillary picked the Cabinet.
VOTE DEMOCRATIC: It's easier than getting a Job!
If We're Not Supposed to Eat Animals, Why Are They Made Out of Meat?
I am Clinton of Borg: Your wealth will be assimilated!
I LOVE ANIMALS.....THEY TASTE GREAT
"Gun Control Is Being Able To Hit Your Target"
"Only an would vote Democratic."
CLINTON'S Motel 1600 Call 1-800-DNC-DONR
Don't blame me! - I voted republican!
Friends don't let friends vote democrat.
"Save a Tree: Eat a Beaver."
"POLITICALLY CORRECT? - bite me!"
DON'T FEEL MY PAIN! FEEL MY WALLET... IT'S EMPTY!
"If we're RIGHT, what are you?"
CLINTON DIDN'T INHALE; HE JUST SUCKS!
...you don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
bump....I'm glad I've only got a lemon operating system ("ME")....disclaimer: 'me' isn't however a lemon. : )
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