Single and Alone or the Holidays

self ^ | 23 December 2001 | grumpster"Ho,Ho, Ho" dumpster

[grumpster-dumpster]

For many single adults, the Christmas Season is a “personally uncomfortable” time of the year. The loneliness factor seems to grow by leaps and bounds… all the gift giving and “Holiday Spirit” and the general party mood can actually be quite overwhelming to the singe adult.

Now, normally I try to view life with a non-serious eye. I think it’s better to laugh at folly than be trampled by it. But this year was somewhat different…This year I discovered an active resistance to organizing a get-together for adults to share Christmas in a non-threatening, casual environment… Just a nice party where single Christians could all meet and socialize…maybe have a “pot-luck,” BYOB, hire a “DJ” and exchange small (under $5) gifts to one another on Christmas afternoon.

It’s absolutely unbelievable the amount of non-cooperation I received from the churches in my area. (I’m Catholic…but my idea was for a non-denominational event.)

- The Baptist’s said they couldn’t be part of any event where liquor was allowed…besides they had already invited the single members to share Christmas day with other families (Just what a single wants to do…sit around and watch someone else’s kids open presents.)

- The Methodist’s said they already hold an event for the singles…turns out to be a “youth-group” function (Just what a single adult wants to do…sit around with a 20 year-old discussing his/her weighty insights into life.)

- The Lutheran’s hold a “prayer/home-alone” dinner…with assistance from the “Youth-Group” so no booze allowed. (Another “winner” for the single adult…let’s toast good-cheer with Dr. Pepper.)

- The Catholic Church said : “It will interfere with the Bishop’s dinner he hold’s every year for people alone.” I learned that this dinner is for “the poor” (meaning bums in the area). Undaunted, I tried to volunteer to help out at the event but was told the “volunteers” would be high-school kids (I was in high-school 30 years ago…so I didn’t make the cut.)

Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not complaining about these churches trying to help out needy families, kid’s, the homeless, or whatever by having their own programs at Christmas and throughout the year… God bless them for their outpouring of love and generosity!

But; I am complaining about the way Churches treat single adults… Look, we’re not asking for money, or sympathy, or even for a “free meal”…but do you have to reject our willingness to volunteer and help out (Just try to be a single adult man and ask Mrs. Goodness N. Sweetness what you can bring to the “pot-luck!” She’ll probably tell you either “Nothing! Just Yourself.” Or worse; “Oh, just bring some soda or ice, maybe a bag of chips… Anything that will make you “feel” like your part of the family…which your not, of course…)
Can’t we just get an unused room to hold a get-together? And would it be too much trouble to “spread-the-word” about this event to the single adults in the congregation?

This is an open invitation for Single, Divorced, or Widowed Freepers, who are spending the Holiday’s alone to comment. What are your plans? Why aren’t you doing anything…or what are you going to do? Are you looking forward to Christmas and New Years day with the “family?” Would you prefer to be doing something else? Do your churches hold any events for single adults? Do your suggestions or initiatives get rejected by your church?

I would really like to know I there are any of you out there who are just as frustrated at the “lip-service” singles get…especially at this time of the year!

In all sincerity (really!): I wish each of you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[mostlyundecided]

To be fair, I am not mostlyundecided, I am her sister! She is having a party at her house and this site is bookmarked on the computer and it automatically signed her on when we clicked it and we've been having some fun reading the posts and coming up with answers, interesting site you have here! She said we could do this as long as we do the p thing and not run our paragraphs because that makes you mad.

mostlyundecided is - oh look at that! up dancing on the table! LOL Anyway, Merry Christmas All!

[mystery-ak]

I'll make it a little easier for you, I live in Central Illinois and have a 4x6 American Flag done in X-Mas lights in my front yard....I hope that helps!.....LOL

Merry Christmas and God Bless you...I will be thinking about you.....log on to FR, I'll be here.

[AppyPappy]

When I suggested decorating the place with a nice christmas tree, holly, wreaths, stockings on the mantlepiece, they threw me out of the synagogue.

Yeah but look on the bright side. You get to control the world.

[Lady GOP]

Thanks for asking! I'll be spending some quality time at Denny's enjoying the special.

Dude what a hilarious profile...rather pathetic post..but profile is too funny!

[lowbridge]

You get to control the world.

This is true ;-)

I heareby declare that all lonely single guys shall celebrate Festivus Day.

[NoControllingLegalAuthority]

I don't know where you live, but if you live anywhere near me, you can come to my house Christmas night. My girlfriend and I will be getting together and are inviting everyone we know that either doesn't have family or for some reason is not spending Christmas with their family. Thus far, it's only the two of us!

This is the best example of the Christmas Spirit I have come across this season. If my wife throws me out, I'll make the drive to Texas to join you.

Seriously, I thought your post was very kind. You can teach everyone something with a heart like that.

[taxbreak]

LOL!

I'm surprised your going to church.

I think of the mormons who claim that an unmarried man at 30 is a "problem" for the church.

I would go to Church but it distracts me when I look at the attractive laddies and wonder what they look like nude.

I mean give up!

Could it be that you are single because you are still attending church?

If single and over 30 just give it up!

If you want to make a change run a newspaper ad, solicit input, and organize a "secular" party next year.

(still laughing)

But honestly how can I get spiritual if I'm wondering how Ms so&so looks having an O?

[grumpster-dumpster]

I hear ya! A beautiul woman in church is a distraction... But I enjoy going to Church...God has been good to me so a little payback doesn't hurt!

[foolscap]

I am sorry to hear of your experience trying to get church organizations interested. I am not suprised. I find as a single woman that churchs usually have little idea of what to do with unpaired adults. Usually we are seen as an object of pity or even worse they try to fix us up with other singles they know. They seem to feel that is impossible for someone to be contented in a single state. They don't know what I do, that it is soooo much better to be single than to be in an unhappy marriage. I go to lots of dinner and am the only unescorted woman there. It dosen't bother me at all even if some regard me as some pathic spinster. Looking at most of the marriage I encounter, even in the church, I feel I have the best end of the deal.

[The Clemson Tiger]

I know what you mean.

Personally, I just go to work on Christmas Eve/Christmas - get lots done and don't get dinged with the 100 million questions I get asked when everyone's in the office.

Then I take a couple days off in Jan or Feb, and treat myself to a nice trip somewhere.

I have wonderful friends who are kind enough to take me in on Thanksgiving - and we have a great time - but Christmas just sort of underscores the fact that I'm alone.

Oh well, 'til I meet that right someone...

[TexanaRED]

Thank you! What a wonderful compliment.

I have spent alot of Christmases, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, etc. alone, so I know what it's like to be lonely.

I decorated my house like crazy this year and invited a few folks to come by for a small get together yesterday - a few said they couldn't come, a few said they would, nobody showed - so I have been there, done that! I spent the day outside in the sunshine with Dubya and Max (my dogs) and we had a great time AND I didn't have to clean up afterwards! (There's always a silver lining to any cloud!)

[FReepaholic]

>>...Just try to be a single adult man and ask Mrs. Goodness N. Sweetness what you can bring to the “pot-luck!”...<<

When I'm asked what I'm bringing, I always say: "An appetite!"

>>...I'll be spending some quality time at Denny's enjoying the special...<<

I'm doing Cracker Barrel this year.

[grumpster-dumpster]

I find as a single woman that churchs usually have little idea of what to do with unpaired adults.

Thanks for posting that foolscap! Maybe some church leader will realize this is a problem! Nobody in their right mind seeks to set themselves "apart" from their church, business, or social "family." Why most continue to insist the problem is with us is beyond me... The only problem is one of perception.

[nobdysfool]

I do know what you mean about churches not having much for single adults - at Christmas or any other time as far as that goes. I don't really know why that is. It would sure help alot of single folks that really get "the blues" during the holidays

I think the reason churches don't do much for singles is that they are uncomfortable with the whole idea of people being single, either by choice, through divorce, or death. Especially divorce. They get real uncomfortable and treat divorced people like they have a disease, and are contagious. It doesn't fit in to their perfect little by-and-by world. A divorced person is viewed as a sinner (like they're not...), and therefore "damaged".

Well, yes, divorced people do suffer "damage" and it's not just at the time of the divorce! I'm divorced, and yes, I was damaged, by the betrayal of trust, the lies, and the pain of splitting up a family. My reply to the so-called "christians" who treat me like a pariah is "I may be damaged, but you're self-righteous, and I can heal".

[Tall_Texan]

As a 40-something lifelong batchelor, I think I've tried just about all of these (home with family, home with parts of family, Christmas at someone else's family, Christmas at brother-in-law's family, Christmas in a group, Christmas by myself, etc). Each has a few good points but they're only as good as you make them. Sometimes being with your own adult family is the worst one, particularly when the dirty laundry can finally be suppressed no longer.

This Christmas, I volunteered to work because a) somebody has to and b) might as well be me. I typically work either Christmas or Thanksgiving every year and content myself of the time-and-a-half pay I'll be getting plus I'm allowing someone else to be home with their family instead of being at work. Usually, it's a slow day so its not too burdensome.

The killer for me is Valentine's Day. I'm the Los Angeles Clippers of love. I've been stood up on Valentine's Day more often than I've had successful dates (successful meaning we were still talking by the end of the night - nothing more). Those social singles things for that are downright horrible. You might as well give everybody a "Hi My Name Is LOSER" nametag and trade annoying character traits.

Compared to that, being alone at Christmas or Thanksgiving isn't so difficult to deal with. It's mid-February when the real depression sinks in.

[CheneyChick]

Anyone over 20 and not married is probably sinning. This is the reason churches dislike you.

Now that's a dumb thing to say........

[68-69TonkinGulfYachtClub]

It's mid-February when the real depression sinks in."

I sure can relate to that statement.

[McGavin999]

The worst part of Christmas if you're a single adult (with no family close enough to visit) is that everyone seems to think it's their duty to invite you to spend Christmas with them. First of all, it's never fun. As much as you love your friends, they are not your family and although they try, it's just not the same, you end up feeling more alone than if you had stayed home. The other problem is they start to fight over where you're going to spend Christmas. At one point, I was being invited in July just so they would not have you say you were going to someone else's house :o(. In order to keep from offending anyone, you pretty much have to turn down all invitations. I like your idea, it would solve a lot of problems.

[TexanaRED]

I hadn't ever thought of that being the reason, but I have a feeling that you are probably right. If that is the reason, then the pastors need to get it together. They are suppose to be shepherds and hurting people need the loving support from their church. Of course, IMHO, the majority of pastors are hirelings, not shepherds!

I quit going to a church because the pastor always treated me like there was something wrong with me. I asked to speak with him one day about something and he said that we either had to talk about it where we were (in a hallway with lots of other people around) or he could find his wife and we could go in his office. He wouldn't have a one on one with a single female because he was afraid there would be gossip. My thoughts were that there is something seriously wrong if a pastor cannot counsel a woman in his church alone without having to worry about everybody gossiping. We could have easily gone in his office and left the door open for all to see, but no one could hear. Sheesh! It was hard enough for me to even think about talking to him about this matter, much less with his wife or dozens of other people standing around. Needless to say, I was outta that church pretty fast!