Posted on 12/19/2001 4:38:10 PM PST by aculeus
Neither do I.
Carlin has looked pukey sick (like in "yuck!") from the first day he slithered onstage.
Wife: George, there's a man at the door with a mustache
Husband: Tell him, I've already got one!
One day he called his wife in to his room where he was in his sickbed and he made her promise that when he died that she would not put his name on his headstone ,so she promised him.
Then the man died and was buried and as he had asked, his name was not put on the stone, just the dates and a few words.
Now whenever someone walks by his gravesite they stop and look at it in confusion and say ,"thats odd".
Dispatcher: You need to cut the clothing away from the site of the wound and suck the venom out immediately. You understand?Roger: Yep!
Dispatcher: It’s essential that you begin immediately or your friend is going to die. You understand?
Roger: Yep!
Dispatcher: OK, help’ll be there 60-90 minutes, now hang up and get to it. Understand?
Roger:Got it! (Hangs up)
Gene: What’d she say?
Roger: You gonna die, man!
(English Joke - dry humor) Two guys sitting at the bar in the local pub. First guy to second, " 'erd you buried your wife last week?" Second guy, " 'ad to, dead you know."
THE GIFT HORSE
The Caluthians fight Earth for many years and finally come up with a daring plan to win the war. They build a giant statue in the shape of a Caluthian Swamp Horse and fill it with a thousand of their best imperial storm troopers. They place the statue on the Moon with a sign reading, 'GIFT.' Their ships jump into hyperspace and pretend to leave the solar system.
A few hours later, the storm troopers hiding inside the statue feel a lurch and become weightless. A long time after that, there's another lurch and they sense the gravity field of another world.
The storm trooper commander checks the controls and says, "Leave your spacesuit helmets off. Earth has exactly the same surface atmosphere as Caluthia!" The storm troopers wait until dark, then jump out of the statue. They find themselves in the middle of a city, so they fan out onto the streets.
One storm trooper points to the sky and says, "I didn't know that! Earth has a second moon, just like Caluthia!"
Another storm trooper reports to the commander and says, "Sir, up ahead is a government building. We should have no trouble getting in -- it's designed exactly like the imperial palace on Caluthia!"
The storm troopers attack the palace and break inside. A Caluthian who looks exactly like the emperor rises from his throne and shouts: "Stop this attack at once! You're on Caluthia! The Humans sent the statue back!"
The storm trooper commander scowls and says, "How do we know you're not a Human in disguise? Tell us something that only the emperor would know."
The emperor thinks a moment and says, "Okay, remember last year, when you fell for the same trick?"
That's also Monty Python.
I like this one better:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out on the range and the Lone Ranger gets bit in the genitals by a snake. He tells Tonto to go back to town and ask the doctor what to do.
The doctor tells Tonto that he needs to first suck out the snake venom.
Tonto comes back and the Lone Ranger asks "what did the doctor say?". Tonto says, "Kemosabe, the doctor say you die.".
After much research, they locate a doctor who specializes in replacing lost human body parts with animal parts. He tells them, "I don't have anything that will work for your situation except this baby elephant trunk..." She cheerfully says, "We'll take it!"
After the successful surgery, they get married. At the reception, the bride's mother sits directly across the table from the groom. During the dinner, he starts to think about the honeymoon and their subsequent marital activities, and feels an extreme pressure in his trousers. It becomes unbearable, and he reluctantly unzips his pants, releiving the pain.
The baby elephant trunk snakes up and reaches onto his plate of food before him, grabbing a baked potato before disappearing once again behind the edge of the table.
The bride's mother sees the whole thing, so she asks, with a curious smirk on her face, "Uh, can you do that again?"
He answers, "Well, yeah, but I don't think there's enough room up my ass for another baked potato."
So that's my favorite joke.
2 peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted......peanut [/groan!]
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