RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on hind legs and scratch with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up while doing it so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as "hampering." The following are the rules for "hampering:"
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book reads, get between their chin and the book unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach~out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.
4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump, too.
6) (I'd like to add a favorite of my own here, from personal experience) When a human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress!
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. Always follow your humans into the bathroom and chew on the shower curtain. Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often and don't forget guests.
Always play in the bathtub at three in the morning. Bonus points are added if there is water in the tub.
When possible, always play on hardwood floor or linoleum instead of on the carpet. Not only does this amplify any sound you make, the decresed traction also makes it more likely that you will destroy something valuable. Bonus points are added when you destroy something valuable at three in the morning.
Owner's expensive carpeted guitar amplifier cabinets make better scratching posts than the real thing. Try to get that carpet off there. Especially at three in the morning.
If there's a dog in the house, run up to it as if attacking it, then scamper away in order to get the dog to chase you. Repeat 152 times at around three in the morning, or until owner shoots randomly toward any noises he hears.
When using the litter box, be sure to scrape litter around for at least fifteen minutes after covering up your business, especially at three in the morning. Bonus points for digging without actually using the bathroom.
At three in the morning, wake up and begin crying to be let out. When you're let out, stand outside the door on the porch and whine to be let back in. Winner is the cat who gets let out/in most times before four in the morning without being killed by the owner.