Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.
Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!
I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.
I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.
The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Holdem from floppin
This poor Jewish tailor is working day and night, for moths on end, and still cannot make ends meet.
One day, as he is sitting in his shop, he feels he is about to loose hope and prays to G-d.
”Dear G-d,” he says, “I do not know what else to do: I work day and night --- not for myself but for my family, for, as you know, you gave me three wonderful daughters, for whom I am yet to find husbands. I work hard but cannot even buy them decent cloths; we barely have enough to eat. Please help me.”
As he is about to go back to his work, he hears a voice that says: “Wide lapels.”
Thinking this may be a sign from G-d, the tailor makes the next suit with wide lapels and sells it in just a few minutes. He makes all his suits with wide lapels, and his business picks up. He buys new dresses for his daughters and feels happier.
Remembering the source of this change, he speaks to G-d and thanks him for all the support that G-d gave him. As he is about to go back to work, the tailor hears a voice that says: “Pastel colors.”
From that night on, the tailor makes all dresses in pastel colors, and they sell really well. So well that he is able to marry off his daughters and even hire help for his shop.
He is still working long hours and one night hears: “Pleated skirts.” He follows that advice as well and becomes really, really rich. Being humble and pure of heart, he remembers to whom he owes all of this.
Working in his store one day, he prays and speaks to G-d thus: “Dear G-d, I was asking you to help my family, and you bestowed upon me more that I asked for. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am. You know that I honored you all my life, but allow me now to express my gratefulness futher. I would like everyone to know to whom I owe all of my luck. I would like to rename my store from “Guzman and Co” to “G-d and Guzman.”
Of a sudden, he hears a thundering voice: “No, not “G-d and Guzman.” Name it “Lord and Taylor.”
A blown ingine.
WHITE TEXT
WHITE TEXT
WHITE TEXT
WHITE TEXT
"Honey, I'm Home!"
This continued for a while, until someone got curious and asked them what they were celebrating.
"We found a puzzle, and on the box it said 'Two to four years.' But we worked on it together and finished it in only 25 days!"
LMAO Too funny!!!!
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
A man walks into a cafe for breakfast.
Waitress: Hey, honey, what'll you have?
Man: What's the special?
Waitress: Today's special is Cow Tongue.
Man: Yuck! I'm not eating anything that came outta another living creature's mouth. Just gimme a couple of eggs.
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