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I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!
Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
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To: ChemistCat
A man left work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys -- spending his entire paycheck. When he finally came home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
121
posted on
11/28/2001 10:28:49 AM PST
by
Delbert
To: ChemistCat
First, the lawyer riff:
- What do you call a hundred lawyers up to their necks in sand? Answer: not enough sand.
- What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the sea? Answer: a good start.
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Answer: professional courtesy.
- What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm? Answer: the sperm has a 1 in 245 million chance of becoming a human being.
So the Devil appears to this lawyer, and says, "Take my deal, and I will give you everything you could possibly dream of!"
Lawyer says, "Like what? I can dream a lot."
The Devil says, "I will give you all the money you can ever want. I will make you the leading man in your profession. Your colleagues will all admire you, your opponents will all fear you, women will all desire you. You will have fame, power, and material possessions to blast the imagination."
The lawyer says, "What's the price?"
The Devil says, "Your soul."
The lawyer considers a moment. Then he says, "And what's the catch?"
Dan
122
posted on
11/28/2001 10:31:08 AM PST
by
BibChr
To: petuniasevan
lmao! thanks=)
Ok, here's one for y'all.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
To: ChemistCat
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down, the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?
124
posted on
11/28/2001 10:33:37 AM PST
by
Mackey
To: ChemistCat
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are each enjoying a pint of Guinness on the patio. A fly lands in each glass. The Scotsman just drinks it down, fly and all, oblivious. The Englishman casually flicks the fly away, and keeps drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly and holds it over his glass, shouting, 'Spit it out, you bastard!!'
To: Lazamataz
Come join the fun before the thread is deleted.
To: my_pointy_head_is_sharp
Q: How do you get Osama Ben Hidin out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
127
posted on
11/28/2001 10:36:01 AM PST
by
McGruff
To: Non-Sequitur
Let's not forget the opossum!!
To: Conservative independent
A man walks into a chinese laundry named McNalley's and asks the owner why if he is chinese did he name his laundry McNalley's? The chinese man explains that years ago as he entered the U.S. he was in a long line and the inspector would question each person, name, country of origin, etc. and the man just before him was asked his name, "McNalley" he said. So when they ask for my name I tell them Sam Ting. So they write McNalley.
I know. Sorry
To: ChemistCat
My mom had knee surgery a few years ago and had to have her leg in the same contraption. Be sure she keeps up with her exercises and does them the exact way the dr. and phys. therapist tells her to. My mom didn't understand a few of them and the dr. had to literally rip apart the scar tissue that had built up - it was horribly painful to mom. It worked though, and she was able to walk fine but the healing process was very painful.
To: ChemistCat
I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but I will certainly pray for your mom, and I have enjoyed everyone else's jokes.
131
posted on
11/28/2001 10:43:47 AM PST
by
kassie
To: cake_crumb
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
132
posted on
11/28/2001 10:45:11 AM PST
by
Mackey
To: A2J
BUMP
To: 11B3
Funniest bumper sticker I've seen in a while...
SAVE THE MALES!
To: kassie
... "I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but I will certainly pray for your mom, and I have enjoyed everyone else's jokes."
Long-faced hoarse-throated Bump. Ah, but you don't understand: On this thread, you only have to save a joke to tell a soul.
To: ChemistCat
What do you do with a Giraffe with three balls???
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Walk him and pitch to the Elephant!!!
To: ATOMIC_PUNK
Very good! Sure to get passed around. E-mail is a wonderful thing. 8-)
137
posted on
11/28/2001 10:55:37 AM PST
by
Tinman
To: hobblemaster
Jesus, this is a JOKE THREAD!
I'm sitting here, with tears of laughter streaming down my red cheeks reading these fabulous jokes, and see *your* story.
Now, THAT was funny!
To: lowbridge
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!!! :-) Nope.
To see a man lay a brick!
To: ChemistCat
Here's one you can even tell your grandmother...
Two guys alone in a bar. The first guy asks the other guy if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the second. "I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round, to Ireland." "Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks. The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink, to Dublin!" Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!" About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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