Posted on 10/26/2001 12:52:54 PM PDT by IowaHawk
CNSNews.com Guest Commentary from the ESU Daily State Budget Appropriation
(Editor's Note: Two weeks ago, we replaced David Burge's regular CNSNews.com satire with a column by his brother, Enormous State University peace activist Keanu Burge. Due to an overwhelming number of requests, we vowed never to run another Keanu Burge column. Unfortunately, Dave was hung over this morning, and we had space to fill. CNSNews.com apologizes for the hangover.)
The pathetic attendance at Saturday's Primal Scream for Global Sanity at the Quad proved that many in the ESU student community remain woefully ignorant of real world issues. Many on campus seem completely uninterested in stopping America's bombing lunacy, even for free veggie wraps and extra-credit points in Dr. Harmon's sections of Critical History 1042.
Let me clue you in, Mister "sorry dude, I can't rage against the AmeriKKKan war machine, I got tickets for the Springfield State game," it's time we start asking the difficult questions. Questions like, "isn't this all about oil?" and "who bogarted all my Kasha flakes?" (I know it was you, Jason.) But most of all, we must ask why America is hated around the world.
Why do they hate us? Well, duhhhhhhh.
They hate us because of our arrogance. All around the world, "Ugly Americans" are despised for their arrogant condescension, always acting like they are somehow "better" than other cultures. We in the peace community are always trying to patiently explain this to other Americans, but apparently they are too stupid to understand.
They hate us because of our paternalism. For much of the developing world, America is a despised father figure, an embarrassing bald 53-year old regional sales manager who "surprises" you during Parents' Weekend while you're completely toasted and listening to Radiohead at the dorm with the other developing nations, and then he's all like, "how are classes going?" and "seeing any girls?" and "boy, I sure wish I was still in developing nation college!" and you're like "shut up, Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of Sri Lanka." That is totally uncool, man.
They hate us because of our foreign policy. Anyone who reads the New York Times can tell you that the international community is troubled by America's dangerous isolationism, and also its interventionism. And I'm telling you, man - nothing irritates the international community more than our reclusive, meddlesome, negligent hegemony.
They hate us because we refuse to look at the issues. The issues facing us are important, and we must put them on the table, and then examine them. Then we must reassess these issues, but obviously not before we have discussed them. Just imagine all the peace we will have after we have thoroughly understood the issues through carefully investigative rethinking.
They hate us because of our obscene greedy culture. America consumes nearly 25 percent of the world's resources, which it refuses to share with the developing world. This, again, is like the despised father figure who drives around in a new gas guzzling Dodge Durango, and when the developing world needs more resources, it's all like, "what did you do with the last check I sent you?" like $300 is suppose to last an entire month. I mean, as if, Dad.
They hate us because of our intransigence. If we, as a nation, ever hope to be fully embraced by the international community, we must learn to compromise and be flexible. For instance, even though the so-called "terrorists" guys once wanted to kill all Americans, they now seem ready to live with five or six thousand. That means they're offering something like 99.99 percent of what we originally wanted, which is a pretty good deal when you really think about it.
They hate us because of our cultural imperialism. Whether it is "Baywatch," or gorditas, or indoor plumbing, America continues its shameful legacy of exporting our violent global corporate McCulture. And believe me, nothing offends the Afghanistanic people like religious xenophobia, sexism and homophobia.
They hate us because of our support of Israel. How many disco and pizza parlor bombings will it take before America wakes up and realizes that we are supporting the wrong people? Let's face it. Israel has a long record of oppression, much like those Jewish guys at the Hillel House and A.E.Pi who are always busting the grade curve in Western Civ. I mean, come on, man. Maybe some of the rest of us want to get into law school, too.
They hate us because of our racism. So you still think Americans are tolerant? Tell that to my Egyptian-Syrian neighbor Abdullah. Since the tragedy on September 11, he has suffered dozens of hurtful stares and insensitive comments. He has been so upset over this he has almost abandoned his dream of owning his own crop-dusting business.
I could go on and on, but you get the picture. If we want to know why we are hated, we need only take a good, long look in the mirror. Well, not me "we," obviously. You know what I mean.
Copyright 2001 Keanu and David Burge. Email iowahawk_98@yahoo.com
C'mon dude! If we didn't buy their damned oil, they would be sitting in tents roast camels or some such.
If we weren't involved they wouldn't even have camels left to munch on.
if we didn't gift them billions, they long ago would have ceased to be nations having returned to their transitory life of roaming the desert(those few that are left).
This boils down to the hatred for our support of Israel and our daring set foot on their holy soil. Sure it may be that they are envious. Sure it may be that they really believe the Mullah exists and they will win. Nope. I figured them out. They are here on our soil. It is time to root them out and hang the sorry counterfeit SOBs. And then get on with the rest of the world. Why are these people still here?
Besides, who cares if they hate us or not?
We now have the message they wished to send.
Now it is our turn to send a message by God and so Help me....Send them to their prophet and soon, "expletive deleted" 'em, feed 'em fish heads, the sorry 'B-st-ds', they can all kiss my 'expletive deleted' or kiss their own goodbye.
If they are not afraid to die for their country or their religion, we shouldn't be afraid to kill them.
dai
LOL. Same with the Iraqians, the Syriatites and the Iranish!
Because we tolerated X42 for 8 years with all his excesses and abuses, and yet Dims refused to impeach him.
Because we send money to every starving country, and they don't even feed themselves.
Because we have elections, and even when bitterly contested, the change is non-violent.
Because we have the inane ramblings of those idiots from Hollywood, the "It's All about me" folks, and still allow them to think they're important.
Because we even allow dissent, and the dissenters aren't killed immediately.
That we have freedoms that they can only dream about.
That as much as they hate us, and despise us, it's the country they all want to immigrate to.
hey whadU say to get your first comment busted man?
How Rude!!!! ;)
this is hilarious , BTW....
True story, I bet!!!
you must want to strangle him, in a big brother loving way of course!
He's ALMOST as funny as you! :)
and about that first comment, it may not be that you said NOTHING, it's the Way you said NOTHING!
gotta watch that!
"I Am A Patriot Too, Dude" holds a permanent place of honor in my Netscape bookmarks file under folder "personal", subfolder "distractions, subfolder "humor", proudly holding the number three spot. I believe it's between www.CNN.com and http://science.northern.edu/exponent/archive/2001/0131/editorial/0131-matson.htm but I haven't surfed to it in several weeks so I may be wrong about that. It might have been www.NPR.com for all I know at #2.
So when's this guy coming out with a book? I've got the photocopier all fired up, just waiting and burning the office's electricity until he finally does!
Moderator: Why was it deleted?
ANYTIME you see the byline IowaHawk or Burge, stop whatever else you are doing and read with care. Iowa says he doesn't do well on air, otherwise we should have him on.
I am fully satisfied that Iowa is an intellectual twin to Gary Larsen. It takes a special mind to think this stuff up.
Congressman Billybob
That line alone is a keeper. Great job.
Brilliant satire. This is the best one yet!
I know what you mean, because it's so dead-on the way those dopes think! I was getting aggravated too, but the laughs calmed me down!
IowaHawk's brother must post as IowaDove!
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