Life's Unanswered Questions

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Aren't all generalizations false? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!? How can you tell when your out of invisible ink? Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape? Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them? Did Adam and Eve have navels? Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip? Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window! Do fish get cramps after eating? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Do one legged ducks swim in circles? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's? Does anybody ever vanish with a trace? Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can someone "draw a blank"? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad? How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're nerver in darkness? How is it possible to have a civil war? If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green
or a lemon called a yellow? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? How many people thought of the Post-It note before it
was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why
are there locks on the doors? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
why not move 10 miles away? If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station
is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk? If a cat always lands on its feet,
and buttered bread always lands butter side down,
what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat? If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him? If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman? If a man speaks and their is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it? If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and
would anyone care? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If God sneezes...what should you say? If inert is to be stationary, what is ert? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from Holland called Holes? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"? If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum? If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the iside of the tube? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2? If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent? If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged
with battery? If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic,
wouldn't they call you first? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently? If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? If you bear a child, why do you have a cow? If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up? If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it? If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network,
should you plan a surprise birthday party for them? If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says
-- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear",
how can that be possible? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor,
will he complain? If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time? If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done? If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record? If you take a shower, where do you put it? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would
they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork? Is there a Dr. Salt? Isn't hot water already hot? Isn't it a little scary that a doctors work is called practice? Can you grow birds by planting birdseed? Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? Shouldn't it be some things in moderation? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? What came first the chicken or the egg? What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? What do sheep count when they can't sleep? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? What happened to the first 6 ups? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on? What was the best thing before sliced bread? What's another word for synonym? When people lose weight, where does it go? When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever
tempted to eat themselves? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Who invented accents? Who named everything? Who tows the tow trucks when they break down? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book
publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange? Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop? Why aren't there bullet-proof pants? Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to
the light side of the Force? Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually? Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do guys wear underpants? Why do people who only eat natural foods drink
decaffeinated coffee? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all
stuck together? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we have hot water heaters? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when
you can't drink and drive? Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does bottled water have an expiration date? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why doesn't superglue stick to its container? Why don't you ever see baby pigions? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is a women's prison called a penal colony? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the
part it is named after? Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that when you transport something by car,
it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship,
it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it's ajar,
but when a jar is open it's not adoor? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says,
"Open somewhere else"? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before
getting out of the water? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? Have ex-punsters been expunged? When you open a bag of cotton balls,
is the top one meant to be thrown away? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do orientals throw hamburgers? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when
you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk? The light went out, but where to? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on
money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward
, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you discover and an endangered animal
that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people
at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins? How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...
and something cold, cold? What is the speed of dark? Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a
pair of earrings, Why don't they wear a pair of bras? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? When sign makers go on strike, what is written on
their picket signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? How can there be self-help groups? Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is
prohibited there? Where are Preparations A through G? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're just sitting there,
staring at carpeting? Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

GREAT WISDOM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls

If chicken flavored Ramen noodles taste like chicken, and beef flavored Ramen noodles taste like beef, what do Oriental flavored Ramen noodles taste like??

Since the directions for shampoo use are "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" -- how do you know when to stop??

Why do people only have "trains of thought?" Wouldn't they think a lot quicker if they had "planes of thought?" (And isn't it too noisy to think anyway??)

I had a complaint about our local newspaper's articles. Reporters kept repeating themselves, by slightly varying the wording, even in the same sentence. I called the main phone number, expressed my concerns, and was transferred to someone in charge. She answered the phone, "Department of Redundancy Department!"

Speaking of newspapers, why do they call pre-published articles "copy?" Isn't that plagiarism?

I am still trying to figure out why a quarterback is valued more than an halfback?!

While we're talking football -- why do kickers score "field goals," when they only get the goal by kicking the ball out of the field?

Have you ever seen a lobster using a lobster fork? Or a pickle using a pickle fork?

And in the "I really mean it" department -- why do people insist upon using the phrase, "I could care less" to mean that they don't care? Read it carefully. That is not what it means at all! "I could care less" means that the person actually does care, because the possibility remains for that person to care less. The phrase is, "I couldn't care less." Now, that makes sense! ;-}

One more thing -- no one has ever listened to mindless "dribble" unless s/he was listening to someone absent-mindedly bouncing a basketball! A dribble is either controlled ball-bouncing done on a basketball court, or is just a small "bit" of something. The actual phrase in question is "mindless drivel." ("Drivel" meaning "senseless babbling.")

And -- if you want to holler at me about any of this, well, "I could care less about your mindless dribble!" *VBG*

;-}

I sent a sample of Life's Unanswered Questions for fun to my brother, but smart aleck that he is, he had no trouble answering them. Some of the answers were as funny as the questions. Here they are.

1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
SQUARE ONE
2. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
I DIDN'T KNOW GOD WAS AN ACTOR
3. How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
WHEN YOU GET LOST ON THE PAGE
4. Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote?
SO SOME CLOWN DOESN'T TAPE OVER THE DIRTY MOVIE YOU RECORDED THE NIGHT BEFORE
5. Can you get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you be treated?
LIBERALS BLAME ALL THEIR FAULTS ON SYNDROMES.
6. Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
MUST HAVE... CHINA CAMP, ROARING CAMP, CAMP WINNEMUCCA.
7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
NO, BUT WHAT FOOL WOULD BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE?
8. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
CAN'T SAY, I'VE NEVER TRIED IT.
9. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
IS A SHARK'S ASS WATER TIGHT?
10. Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
MAYBE, BUT THEY CAN'T VARNISH WITHOUT BRUSH STROKES
11. Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?
DON'T KNOW, DISNEY ALWAYS COVERS HER BOOBS WITH HER HAIR
12. Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
IF HE DOES, I BET THE RATES GO UP
13. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
ONLY WHEN SPEAKING,... HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE
14. How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
BECAUSE SLOW UP AND SLOW DOWN ARE THE SAME, BUT SPEED UP AND SPEED DOWN ARE OPPOSITES
15. How can someone "draw a blank"?
IN SCRABBLE
16. How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
EASY, VISIT TEXAS IN NOVEMBER.
17. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
TO SCOFF THE BAD GUYS, AND IT LOOKS COOL WHEN HE SMIRKS.
18. How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
TO SQUEEZE THE LAST BIT OF JUICE OUT OF IT
19. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
HOW DO HUNTERS READ THE "DEER SIGN"?
20. How do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
WHEN YOU FIND IT IN MY MOTHER'S REFRIGERATOR

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