1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:
The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
Let's Roll.
;^)
Some LOLs.
Since the directions for shampoo use are "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" -- how do you know when to stop??
Why do people only have "trains of thought?" Wouldn't they think a lot quicker if they had "planes of thought?" (And isn't it too noisy to think anyway??)
I had a complaint about our local newspaper's articles. Reporters kept repeating themselves, by slightly varying the wording, even in the same sentence. I called the main phone number, expressed my concerns, and was transferred to someone in charge. She answered the phone, "Department of Redundancy Department!"
Speaking of newspapers, why do they call pre-published articles "copy?" Isn't that plagiarism?
I am still trying to figure out why a quarterback is valued more than an halfback?!
While we're talking football -- why do kickers score "field goals," when they only get the goal by kicking the ball out of the field?
Have you ever seen a lobster using a lobster fork? Or a pickle using a pickle fork?
And in the "I really mean it" department -- why do people insist upon using the phrase, "I could care less" to mean that they don't care? Read it carefully. That is not what it means at all! "I could care less" means that the person actually does care, because the possibility remains for that person to care less. The phrase is, "I couldn't care less." Now, that makes sense! ;-}
One more thing -- no one has ever listened to mindless "dribble" unless s/he was listening to someone absent-mindedly bouncing a basketball! A dribble is either controlled ball-bouncing done on a basketball court, or is just a small "bit" of something. The actual phrase in question is "mindless drivel." ("Drivel" meaning "senseless babbling.")
And -- if you want to holler at me about any of this, well, "I could care less about your mindless dribble!" *VBG*
;-}