Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

HIJACKERS SUPRISED TO FIND SELVES IN HELL
The Onion ^ | 9/26/2001 | The Onion

Posted on 10/01/2001 3:11:24 PM PDT by diotima

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell: 'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers

      JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

  Mohammed Atta
Ahmed al-Haznawi
Above: Mohammed Atta (top) and Ahmed al-Haznawi.

      "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With »
American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie »
Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake »
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule »
Point-Counterpoint: America's Response »
Talking To Your Child About The WTC Attack »
On TV Tonight »
 

      The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

      According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

      "There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

      "Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

      "I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

      Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

      "It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

      Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

      "Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS:
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-2021-27 next last
I hope this hasn't been posted yet....
1 posted on 10/01/2001 3:11:24 PM PDT by diotima (diotimafr@hotmail.com)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Lizzy W;Howlin;A Navy Vet; Ouroboros;RedWing9;justshutupandtakeit; chicagolady
ping
2 posted on 10/01/2001 3:13:12 PM PDT by diotima
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima
Worth reading again, even if it was posted already.
3 posted on 10/01/2001 3:14:14 PM PDT by OWK
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Inspector Harry Callahan; TheRightGuy; CARDINALRULES; AnnaZ; SUSSA; agitator; Commonsense;
ping
4 posted on 10/01/2001 3:14:57 PM PDT by diotima
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: OWK
oops....
5 posted on 10/01/2001 3:15:19 PM PDT by diotima
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: diotima
Bwahahahhaahhahahahahahah.
6 posted on 10/01/2001 3:15:31 PM PDT by Dan from Michigan
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Ms.Antifeminazi;LurkerNoMore!;usconservative;BillyBoy;Seeking the truth; IronJack; MinuteGal
ping
7 posted on 10/01/2001 3:17:08 PM PDT by diotima
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: diotima
Thanks for posting it. It is worth reading 10 times over. :-)
8 posted on 10/01/2001 3:19:52 PM PDT by areafiftyone
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima
What! NO VIRGINS!!! I demand to talk to Allah! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
9 posted on 10/01/2001 3:23:02 PM PDT by teletech
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima
Satan: Why so glum?
Clinton: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Clinton: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Clinton: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Clinton: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Clinton: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Clinton: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?!?
Clinton: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Clinton: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Clinton: No...
Satan: (grimaces) Oooooooh... You're gonna hate Fridays.
10 posted on 10/01/2001 3:23:49 PM PDT by Harrison Bergeron
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: all
Onion should get the Virgin figures right!!!It's 72 Virgins not 67 virgins.
11 posted on 10/01/2001 3:33:38 PM PDT by KQQL
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: KQQL
What do the terrorists care? They're in HELL remember?
12 posted on 10/01/2001 3:36:12 PM PDT by a_federalist
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 11 | View Replies]

To: diotima
"Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

Talk about Poetic Justice.

13 posted on 10/01/2001 3:37:02 PM PDT by Slyfox
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima

14 posted on 10/01/2001 3:39:30 PM PDT by TheOtherOne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: teletech
you only get 67 per this PR. Better to hope for 72, huh? The things we do for love....
15 posted on 10/01/2001 3:39:35 PM PDT by callthemlikeyouseethem
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: diotima
bump
16 posted on 10/01/2001 3:45:19 PM PDT by Centurion2000
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima
Some reading-can hardly wait for the movie.
17 posted on 10/01/2001 3:46:22 PM PDT by F.J. Mitchell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Bekki4Bush , PieroC , TaRaRaBoomDeAyGoreLostToday! , Pocat , NewChief ,muggs , nkycincinnatikid
BTTT
18 posted on 10/01/2001 3:56:08 PM PDT by ATOMIC_PUNK
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima
I hope this hasn't been posted yet....

It was, but some things bear repeating. (Maybe we should have put it in breaking news. According to this the terrorists are being broken -- over and over again.)

19 posted on 10/01/2001 4:00:17 PM PDT by No Truce With Kings
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: diotima



My friend just sent this to me as well...He ain't a bad artist...
20 posted on 10/01/2001 4:07:12 PM PDT by Demosthenes
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-2021-27 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson