Dodging Religious Door-To-Doors

Humor of the Day ^

[SAMWolf]

It's Saturday morning when, suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Everyone you know is either hung over or cleaning house. They all know better than to attempt any contact with you before noon anyway. It can only be one thing. Religious canvassers. Actually, that's two things, since, like snakes, they travel in pairs. You peek out the window, expecting to see two kids who look like IBM recruits.

Instead, you see a pudgy old lady in a faded print dress, attended by a skinny teenage girl with stringy hair and more freckles than a trout. The girl glances nervously at the slit in the curtain and quickly looks away. Girl Scout cookies? Raffle tickets?

Opening the door out of curiosity, you become the proud owner of a copy of their tract. It was the girl who fooled you. You never figured they'd bring a kid along. You rack your brains for some gracious means of escape, making a silent resolution that next time you'll follow your instinct to stand motionless in the middle of the living room hoping that protective coloration will render you invisible.

Rack your brains no longer! After years of similar experiences, we have developed several techniques for turning those agonizing encounters into hours of entertainment. Here are just a few of the great techniques you can use:

1. Listen for a minute or two with a polite but puzzled expression and then speak in a foreign language. Better yet, make one up. Brand names for electronic components serve as an excellent base for an impromptu language. I've found the following bit to be an excellent opener: 'Fritzen mitsuba micht sony leam spartinza. Nakamichi shpont olufsen takamine. Cheloken eraza fleecht?'

2. Before you open the door, put on a pair of Groucho glasses and pour some Pine Sol in a coffee cup. Then attempt to engage them in a serious debate, spreading Pine Sol fumes by blowing occasionally into the cup as if you are cooling it. See how long you can hold them. Try to remember not to drink out of the cup.

3. Pretend to be deaf. Point to your ears, shake your head, and make intricate movements with your fingers and hands. This can backfire if they happen to know sign language. In that case, switch to being blind.

4. Ask them if they are from the health board about the hepatitis quarantine. Offer them a sip of your coffee.

5. Tell them you are not allowed to talk to strangers until the assault case has come to trial. More effective if you come to the door with a knife or a baseball bat.

6. Using a cordless phone, call someone you haven't talked to for a while. Then go to the door and make gestures like you'll only be a minute. See how long they stay.

[scottiewottie]

In the Netherlands not only do the JWs hang out at train stations and open air markets, they go door to door. Since most buildings in The Netherlands are made of brick or concrete, they also bring chalk and will mark on the wall near someone's door a symbol that tells other JWs what tract was left the last time or not to visit that door. And yes, it was every two weeks, but if you were on the do not knock list you would not know this unless you paid close attention.

In the Netherlands the JWs did visit with LDS. We invited many of them inside our apartment, the majority were very polite and we had many good discussions with them. They do not consider themselves as "pushy", just doing what they are taught. If you persecute them in any way, they consider the rejection as a sign that their faith is being attacked, and this strengthens their resolve. Being kind, patient, and charitable with them catches them totally off guard. I call it the LDS approach.

[scottiewottie]

Certainly not LDS intruders. What you described would have been in violation of several missionary rules. If they were and were reported to the mission president, such bevhavior would sent them home early.

[TomSmedley]

I find that asking JW's why Charles Russel is buried under a mock pyramid is a good tool for clearing the doorway too.

Said I to a pair of Mormons one day, in an inspired moment, "I'll be glad to share my testimony with you of how good God has been to me, but I can't discuss religion with you. You see, you have an unfair advantage. I must tell the truth about my faith, and you are permitted to lie about yours!"

(paranthetically, the vast majority of LDS folks have better character than their deity; I've not known any Mormons who gatecrashed other folks' marriages by deflowering betrothed virgins, as their god is said to have done. And I've not met any Mormons who kept vast harems, as their deity is said to do on his seraglio planet Kolab!)

[StolarStorm]

How would you like it if members of EVERY church came to your door each weekend? Personally, I think that traditional churchs should get together and give the LDS and JWs a bit of their own medicine. After the 100th missionary stops by for a chat, you might have some awareness of the irritation that you bring.

[WIladyconservative]

I have a sign on my door that says the following:

No Soliciting
No Witnessing
No Canvassing
NO KIDDING!!!!

It really works! I've seen all manner of people attempt to come to my door, read the sign, and leave me in peace. Print it out at your leisure!

[xm177e2]

How would you like it if members of EVERY church came to your door each weekend? Personally, I think that traditional churchs should get together and give the LDS and JWs a bit of their own medicine. After the 100th missionary stops by for a chat, you might have some awareness of the irritation that you bring.

I think gays should get organized, and send 10,000 "Missionaries" to Utah to go door to door asking people if they want to convert to homosexuality.

[ChemistCat]

Yes, but my mother is absolutely convinced that they were, and after all, the LDS started it. :-(

I love my Lord and my faith, but sometimes I understand that we are given more to live up to, not less, and thus are more likely to fall short.

[AppyPappy]

You have been visiting the anti-Mormon sites, haven't you?

I remember swapping theology with a Mormon in College. Not only have they changed the theology in the last 25 years, they deny they have done it. Good people but tough to nail down on religion.

I'm a Presbyterian. I consider it my God-given perogative to criticize my denomination whenever I choose. I don't get that feeling from the Mormons. Their take seems to be "Whatever the church says, I agree". That's so foriegn to me.

[StolarStorm]

LOL! That might do the trick! But you must remember that JWes and LDSers know best for us all! They have a right to harass us.

[AppyPappy]

YES!!! PLEASE!!!! The Mormons would probably pay them to come.

[StolarStorm]

LDS isn't really a religon. Its a business using religon as a cover.

[AppyPappy]

I like all the Mormons I know but they almost seem to be trying to convince themselves that their beliefs are OK. The more I am around them, the more I think they want to dunk the secret stuff and the rules and become mainstream. But corporate HQ will never allow that.

One Mormon even confessed to me that their church was not "as LDS" as the big church in the neighboring town. LDS Lite.

[ChemistCat]

"I'm a Presbyterian. I consider it my God-given perogative to criticize my denomination whenever I choose. I don't get that feeling from the Mormons. Their take seems to be "Whatever the church says, I agree". That's so foriegn to me."

At regular intervals our Church's leadership, from Relief Society Secretary all the way up to the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, are sustained by the members. We're free at that time to oppose, and if we have good reason to oppose we can certainly do so. The cultural weight against doing so is pretty powerful, of course, but it does happen. I see at times a contradiction between LDS culture and LDS doctrine that is probably inevitable. If the contradiction gets too steep or one's heart cannot accept an element of either side, people go inactive or leave the church and join another church. We have that fundamental freedom of conscience. I stay in my church even when the culture is uncomfortable to me because I have a testimony that the essential things we teach are true, and those things are distinctive enough that no other church can satisfy them. People who misunderstand or want to distort either doctrine or culture (like Smedly above--I'm sure I've run into him before) can do so without affecting my testimony. I'm glad that some people can derive guidance and comfort from a faith that teaches us we'll have separate little clouds in orbit around God for eternity--if it helps them be better people, more power to them, but it doesn't ring true to me. To me the family is so fundamental to being human that I cannot imagine eternity without families and the continuity and activity that families provide. I cannot imagine a Savior or an Adversary coming into being without that family structure being part of the story. It's like spontaneous generation--total nonsense. Tom can attack it and that's fine, it doesn't hurt us any, but if a man can spare two years out of his life to go and ring doorbells, you have to give him a little credit for having your best interests at heart.

[wingnuts'nbolts]

I love your profile, it makes my heart sing!

[tracer]

You're right. That litle square with the folded-edge triangle containing little items inside would scare the heck out of me. Or perhaps my inadequate browser caused me to miss the point. (;-])

This entire thread has been a much-needed hoot. Thanks to all.....

[Whilom]

My wife actually did this. Two Witnesses came to the door, knocked politely, and my wife greeted them.

"We'd like to come in a talk to you," said one.

"Sure," my wife said, opening the door wide. "You get thirty minutes, then I get thirty minutes." They both blinked.

"What do you mean?" one asked.

"You get thirty minutes to convince me, but only if you give me thirty minutes to convince you," my wife said.

"What denomination are you?" one asked.

"Church of Christ charismatic," said my wife. Both visitors blushed.

"We'd better go on," one said. "We have other calls to make." And they vanished as quietly as they had appeared.

[StolarStorm]

I like almost all mormons as well. Most are great folks that are patriotic and hard working.

I even stayed in Salt Lake for a week with some Mormon friends and it was an enjoyable experience. I don't have any problem with the Mormon Corporation ...err Church I just wish they had respect for my right to have my own beliefs as well. By coming to my home to "recruit" me, they are in essence insulting my beliefs.

Mormons and JWs and others, feel free to believe what you want but don't send your sales agents to my house. I already bought Christianity and the warranty hasn't expired yet.

[tracer]

Long ago I didn't know what to seek out and am eternally grateful (lierally) that two of my Navy shipmates acted as ersatz "doorknockers some 30 years ago.....