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Pre Flight Announcement, 2002
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Posted on 09/19/2001 2:21:10 PM PDT by steve-b

Regrettably, the author did not sign this piece:

Pre Flight Announcement, 2002

"Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego. Before we take off, we'd like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft.

"Please do pay attention to the new security features.

"In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They ar fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, centered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds; after the last the slide will lock back. Depress the clip release button located above the grip on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target goes down.

"Your seats backs are equipped with kevlar armor, stay well down and aim over the top or around the side.

"Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns; please follow their lead in directing fire.

"If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our attentants know so we can reseat you in the 'cowards rows' at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts.

"For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and computer controlled antipersonnel mines. For this reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signalled all clear.

"Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will be activated to protect the cockpit.

"The hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and should be avoided during flight.

"Anyone creating a disturbance, caught tampering with the pistol cases or smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the rear floor hatch.

"Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Northwest..."


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS:
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1 posted on 09/19/2001 2:21:10 PM PDT by steve-b
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To: steve-b
LOL! I like it!
2 posted on 09/19/2001 2:24:32 PM PDT by wysiwyg
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To: steve-b
LOL LOL LOL
3 posted on 09/19/2001 2:26:06 PM PDT by goodnesswins
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To: steve-b
This was good for my only "out-loud" laugh today. Thanks.

Still in Manhattan and still being,

4 posted on 09/19/2001 2:26:48 PM PDT by Silly
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To: steve-b
If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our attentants know so we can reseat you in the 'cowards rows' at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts

ROTFLOL......can't you just see all these stupid Peace nic's sitting in the back singing....All we are saying...give peace a chance....."

OMG....that was funny!

Thanks for the laugh!

5 posted on 09/19/2001 2:27:34 PM PDT by thingumbob
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To: steve-b
You are on to something here!
6 posted on 09/19/2001 2:27:38 PM PDT by Aeronaut
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To: steve-b
Beats the normal dribble we hear everytime we fly. Let's try it!
7 posted on 09/19/2001 2:28:17 PM PDT by libsrscum
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To: steve-b
Do you think this can be in effect by next Saturday? :)
8 posted on 09/19/2001 2:28:51 PM PDT by muggs
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To: muggs
I loved the "cowards row",,,great!!!
9 posted on 09/19/2001 2:33:52 PM PDT by cajungirl
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To: steve-b
The following was e-mailed to me from a friend who received it from a friend who received it from a friend, etc. I thought it to be an appropriate post.

Here's hoping this is the start of a trend...

"Read this and recall why we call him/her 'Captain.'

The following is from a letter by a professional friend and her return flight to D.C. this week.

'I just wanted to drop you all a note and let you know that I arrived safe and sound into Dulles Airport tonight [9/15] at about 6:00. It was an interesting flight.

The airport in Denver was almost spooky, it was so empty and quiet. No one was in line for the security check point when I got there so that went fairly quickly, just x-ray of my bags and then a chemical test to be sure nothing explosive was on them.

Then I waited 2 1/2 hours to board the plane. What happened after we boarded was interesting and thought I would share it with you.

The pilot/captain came on the loudspeaker after the doors were closed. His speech went like this:

First I want to thank you for being brave enough to fly today. The doors are now closed and we have no help from the outside for any problems that might occur inside this plane. As you could tell when you checked in, the government has made some changes to increase security in the airports.

They have not, however, made any rules about what happens after those doors close. Until they do that, we have made our own rules and I want to share them with you. Once those doors close, we only have each other.

The security has taken care of a threat like guns with all of the increased scanning, etc. Then we have the supposed bomb. If you have a bomb, there is no need to tell me about it, or anyone else on this plane; you are already in control. So, for this flight, there are no bombs that exist on this plane.

Now, the threats that are left are things like plastics, wood, knives, and other weapons that can be made or things like that which can be used as weapons.

Here is our plan and our rules. If someone or several people stand up and say they are hijacking this plane, I want you all to stand up together. Then take whatever you have available to you and throw it at them. Throw it at their faces and heads so they will have to raise their hands to protect themselves.

The very best protection you have against knives are the pillows and blankets. Whoever is close to these people should then try to get a blanket over their head--then they won't be able to see. Once that is done, get them down and keep them there. Do not let them up. I will then land the plane at the closest place and we WILL take care of them.

After all, there are usually only a few of them and we are 200+ strong! We will not allow them to take over this plane.

I find it interesting that the US Constitution begins with the words "We, the people"--that's who we are, THE people and we will not be defeated.

With that, the passengers on the plane all began to applaud, people had tears in their eyes, and we began the trip toward the runway.

The flight attendant then began the safety speech. One of the things she said is that we are all so busy and live our lives at such a fast pace. She asked that everyone turn to their neighbors on either side and introduce themselves, tell each other something about your families and children, show pictures, whatever. She said "for today, we consider you family. We will treat you as such and ask that you do the same with us."

Throughout the flight we learned that for the crew, this was their first flight since Tuesday's tragedies. It was a day that everyone leaned on each other and together everyone was stronger than any one person alone. It was quite an experience.

You can imagine the feeling when that plane touched down at Dulles and we heard "welcome to Washington Dulles Airport, where the local time is 5:40". Again, the cabin was filled with applause.

Last night I saw a program with college students where one of them said that at their campus there are no more hyphenated titles, i.e., African-American, etc., everyone is just an American. No one will ever be able to take that pride away from us.'"

This speaks for itself.

10 posted on 09/19/2001 2:38:36 PM PDT by Real Cynic No More
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To: Real Cynic
Kinda hard to be cynical when we see or hear about this kind of thing happening...
11 posted on 09/19/2001 3:07:18 PM PDT by HiJinx
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To: steve-b
Best thing I've read in a long, long time. It's humerous, all right -- but's it's also dead-on true. That's exactly what I would really like to hear announced.

Thanks for posting that!

12 posted on 09/19/2001 3:07:57 PM PDT by The Other Harry
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To: HiJinx
"Kinda hard to be cynical when we see or hear about this kind of thing happening..."

You know, you're right. I hadn't thought about it. I created that screen name during the Clinton debacle. Bush Deserves Better. I'm Gonna Change it!

13 posted on 09/19/2001 3:29:28 PM PDT by Real Cynic No More
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To: Real Cynic
I created that screen name during the Clinton debacle. Bush Deserves Better. I'm Gonna Change it!

To "Phony Cynic"?

14 posted on 09/19/2001 3:59:25 PM PDT by steve-b
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To: HiJinx
Note the Screen Name Change. Thanks for the suggestion.
15 posted on 09/19/2001 4:54:19 PM PDT by Real Cynic No More
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To: The Other Harry
If it was announced for the first time without being made known beforehand, you'd be able to spot any would-be hijackers right away, unless they were wearing brown pants.
16 posted on 09/19/2001 8:22:16 PM PDT by steve-b
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To: steve-b
If it was announced for the first time without being made known beforehand, you'd be able to spot any would-be hijackers right away, unless they were wearing brown pants.

Yep.

17 posted on 09/19/2001 8:42:12 PM PDT by The Other Harry
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To: steve-b
We'd win.
18 posted on 09/19/2001 8:46:34 PM PDT by The Other Harry
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Comment #19 Removed by Moderator

To: steve-b
Nothing for the center section on wide-bodies? That's discrimination, and the ACLU will file a lawsuit.
20 posted on 09/21/2001 4:39:07 AM PDT by packrat01
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